I need You

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Honest truth I heard this verse all my life, but boy did it take me forever to understand it. I am not sure I completely got it now, but I'll keep searching. What's so hard to get? How can you be strong when you are weak? Why would I delight in weakness? Who wants to be weak? Did he just say "delight in persecutions"? What is this man on about?
As soon as I started walking with Him, I thought God wanted me to be strong, as the English say "stiffen that upper lip" and stand tall. And He does, but not if I try to do it on my own. That is pretty much impossible. Why? Because, I try to be strong and stand tall in a world I can't see. I can absolutely feel it, the same way you feel the wind, but I can't touch it with my hands and I can't see it with these eyes. So to make it in this world on my own will have the same success rate of a blind man trying to walk on a wire.
I thought I knew how to make it, that's why I did not understand the verse above. For my mind this verse was madness but my heart wanted to believe it. After a few good years of attempting on my own, I got it- I can't do it. I need Him.

When you discover God, and all that love, warmth, beauty, security and acceptance come over you, you find yourself so in love that you want to know everything and do everything He tells you to. So you grab that Bible and read and keep reading. And because of the tinted lenses you look at it through, you start treating the Bible as a list. You tell yourself: "I love Him, so I'll do this and this and this..." And you try and keep trying, and all the time you see you can't really make it. You get frustrated with yourself and agitated and at times lost. But you grow... I think God is amazing in allowing us to go through this process. I don't think He is frustrated with our failures and our limitations, as I thought for so long. I think He looks at us with the same love a father looks at his child who is determined to master the art of walking.
A brilliant pastor who passed away in 2008 and absolutely influenced my life, pastor Carl H. Stevens, once said: "When I do a lot, God does little, but when I do little God does much." I get it now, pastor Stevens, I can't make it on my own, no matter how much I love Him. It's not my love that will help me succeed, it's His love.

"That I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living." (Psalm 116:9)

I picture this journey of mine like a movie or a computer game (bear with me, I haven't lost it yet). My movie is about a girl who one day is called by her father and is told:"My dear, you have to go to a foreign land. It's a different land than ours. When you'll get there you will forget everything you've ever known about your home, about who you are and about me. You will have to travel through this land, learn about it and leave your mark on it. If at the end without knowing anything and having your free will, you still choose me and your home, you'll come back victorious. Don't be afraid, I will never leave you, not forsake you. I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go."
I remembered it all, but now I still have to continue my journey and make sure I will return victorious. Why? Because sometimes, I feel like Super Mario walking on this thin wall, with all the little monsters jumping around me trying to get me off the wall. Little monsters such as pain, suffering, doubt, ignorance, unanswered questions, blindness...
That's why I need Him, because for as long as I hold His hand, I might loose my balance, but there's no way the "little monsters" will get me off the wall. He's my guide in my blindness, He not only knows by heart the world that I can't see, but He knows how to take me back victorious.
"Why would a loving God send you on such a journey?" Why not? He certainly didn't send me anywhere He didn't go first. He took this journey and He showed me it can be done. He went back victorious. And so will I:-)

Adonai, I need you! I need you because the storms inside me obey your voice still. I need you because my fear is still afraid of you. I need you because when I get lost you know where to find me. I need you, because for as long as I look at You, I will never forget who I am. I need You to make it back home.

Your Emanuela.