Wingless bird

A bird knows it exists for one purpose- to fly. They know it from the moment they’re on the edge of the cliff about to fall or take off. So they spread their wings and do what they were always meant to do- fly.

Man’s greatest inner desire is to find meaning and purpose. The answer to the question that haunted us throughout the ages- why am I here?

I am a seeker. I sought all my life and I assume I will carry on the same way. But so far, the only answer I keep coming across to pretty much all my big questions is- Because He loves us. Why am I here? To hopefully always find this answer to all of my questions. 

Why am I here? To understand I am so loved, in the middle of this unloving world. I exist to be loved. My sister keeps saying that if God would stop thinking of us, we would cease to exist, and I agree with her.

Ever since I was a little girl I heard this verse in church “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

And it feels amazing when good things happen to you, things that seem to confirm this verse 100%. But how about when things don’t go according to plan? When what you hoped for, doesn’t happen? What do you do?

I seem to see two reactions in people and in myself.  We either doubt our love for Him- “Perhaps I didn’t loved Him as I should’ve, or believed Him as much as I should’ve” or we doubt His love for us- “Perhaps I’ve done something wrong and God is upset with me” And I know when church going people read this sort of thing they have at least two verses about how we get things by grace not because we deserve them, but if you are honest with yourself when you are in that place, these are thoughts that cross your mind.

It always seems to take us a while to ask the question “What is for my good?”
This week I came across one of my favourite verses in a different translation, exactly when I was asking myself this question. "But as for me, the nearness of God is my good." Psalm 73:28

I understood then, that He loves me so much, that He would do anything, move anything, change anything, deny me whatever He has to, only to keep me near.  And once again, my answer to my question was- Because He loves me.

I exist because God thinks me into existence. And He thinks of me every millisecond not because He would be a little bit bored without me, but because He loves me. Same way birds exist to fly, I exist to be loved by God and to answer to His love with mine. These days I have this thought that no matter what happens to me, if I want to see it, I will be able to find His love behind anything that come along. And if I don't want to see it,  I am but a wingless bird that cannot fly…

Tell me what God feels like. I'm starting to forget...

"Soon after her brother was born, little Sachi began to ask her parents to leave her alone with the new baby. They worried that like most four-year-olds, she might feel jealous and want to hit or shake him, so they said no. But she showed no signs of jealousy. She treated the baby with kindness and her pleas to be left alone with him became more urgent. They decided to allow it. Elated, she went into the baby's room and she shut the door, but it opened a crack-enough for her curious parents to peek in and listen. They saw little Sachi walk quietly up to her baby brother, put her face close to his and say quietly, "Baby, tell me what God feels like. I'm starting to forget." 

Dan Millman taken from "Chicken soup for the soul" by Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

"I tell you the truth, you must change and become like little children. Otherwise, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. The greatest person in the kingdom of heaven is the one who makes himself humble like this child." Matthew 18:3-4

I had a chat tonight with a dear one of mine who is going through a hard time. One of those times perfectly described in Psalm 88, when you think God forgot about you and no matter how much or how hard you pray your words bounce of the ceiling and hit the floor like a boomerang, never actually reaching their destination. I tried to tell my dear one, that when things don't make sense it is always the same battle line, the one that always was and always will be- Can your God be trusted? And if you dare to adventure yourself and confess "yes", then you hear straight away in your heart "Prove it!"

Why is it so hard to adventure and answer yes? Because just like Sachi, time on this earth and especially time apart from God, make you forget how God "feels like". What do I mean by "feels like"? If you ever met Him you know exactly what I mean. That warmth that overwhelms you all of the sudden in the middle of the day when you expect it the least. That smile on your face and peace in your heart in the middle of a messy situation. That perfect hope described in Psalm 88 that made the Psalmist still carry on praying even when he thought God was against him. That's what God feels like. If one would ask me to describe how God feels like in one phrase I guess it would be "God is a smile on my face when I really should be crying."

Both you and I know we are here temporary and both you and I know what the battle line is. So as I said in other postings on this blog, if doubt takes you to court for lack of evidence and screams at you to "Prove it!" then I guess my dear one, I am the little baby tonight trying to remind you how God feels like.

Never leave you...

"Never leave you, nor forsake you...though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you" (Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5, Isaiah 54:10


Anything but insane-Emma- 13.07.2011

I'm sad today, dear Abba
I'm sad and not sure why
Is this feeling for real
Or once again a lie?

Do I have real reasons
To feel so low and sad?
Or am I manipulated
And spoken lies instead?

Because all that I'm hearing
Tries to convince me again
That maybe You forgot me
And I'm a bit insane

That maybe all I'm feeling
All that I ask and seek
Are nothing but emotions...
Fantasies of a freak.

Will You come, dear Abba
And tell my heart the truth?
All I want is Your whisper
I don't need other proof.

Will You come, dear Abba
And kiss my heart again?
Remind me I'm Your daughter
Anything, but insane.

Come once again and tell me
What you said on that day
That mountains might be shaking
But you won't go away


The hardest thing for a rejected heart to accept, is that it won't happen again.
"Yes, they might love you know, but you just give them a bit of time. They will abandon you same way the others did before." The same two all familiar phrases that haunt you every time someone shows they care. It's hard enough to believe when the person is there next to you, even though you see their eyes and hear their words spoken time and time again.

What's harder is when you can't even see The One telling you He won't leave you. You feel Him and His love and care all around you like a warm blanket on a cold day, but what if it is all just wishful thinking? I think this was my hardest battle with myself. I fought this battle for over ten years and I still do.
This week I didn't feel to well physically and it affected me emotionally as well. Those dark thoughts mentioned in Psalm 94:19. I was laying there in bed thinking "What if after all this, I get before Him at the end and He tells me to go away because He doesn't know me?" Oh, of course I reminded myself of all those verses where He promises time and time again that He won't abandon us, that He never rejects those who go to Him for refuge. But it didn't help. The nagging "what if" would not budge. And as always when emotions fail me, logic is my last weapon. I was surprised to find this thought in my heart, my answer to the "what if"- "Even if He would reject me after all this, I was happier looking for Him all around me, than I ever was when I didn't. If at the end, this proves to be in vain, at least my heart knows that I found in Him the only way I know how to truly live, be myself and be happy. After all this...even if...He would still be my only choice in this life."

Why am I writing all this making myself once again ridiculously vulnerable? Because I know at least two people out there right now who go through the same battle. And this is for them- He didn't leave you!

Philip Yancey, one of my favourite authors, once wrote "I know only two alternatives to hypocrisy: perfection or honesty." In all honesty I will always acknowledge that I can't achieve perfection in anything that I try. Not even follow my God, no matter how much I love Him and no matter how much I want to. It is hard not to question and doubt, and I don't even think He wants us not to. It is only after fighting doubt and fear to let go completely, for years, that you find yourself one day in the midst of the very same nagging thoughts, choosing God not out of emotions or "because", but "in spite of" like the most logical thing in your world.

All my life, my own father abandoned me when I needed him the most. The hardest thing for me to accept was the "never"part of God's promise "Never leave you". But through all this years I came to understand that "Never" same as "For ever" are words from His world. Words that only an eternal God can speak. Words which are outside of the limits of my current existence. Never means never- not here and now and not there and then. I came to understand that I can't be separated from Him because of this"never". That for as long as I look to Him, He will never look away. No matter how many questions I ask, or how many doubts consume me. Every promise I ever made God I broke! But because of that "never" every promise He ever made me He kept and all along the way I heard His whisper in my heart "Never leave you..." People ask me whether I have any proof that God exists. My strongest witness is my own experience. I don't need other proof.



Im Telech (If you leave- translation from Hebrew)

If you leave, who will hold me like this
Who will hear me at the end of the day
Who will sooth and comfort me, only you know how to

And if you leave, who will I wait for in the window,
in a holiday dress, to come and hold me like this, as you come home.

When you leave, I will go to out to the sun in the golden field, morning and evening.
The moon, will light up my face which dreams only of you all day long.

When you return, you will carry me with both arms,
from the field to the river, wash my face
and tell me words, as only you know how to.

Kindness...

"For I desire mercy, and not sacrifice, and the knowledge of God rather than burnt-offerings" Hosea 6:6, Hebrew Bible Mechon-Mamre

"...there is no truth, nor mercy, nor knowledge of God in the land." Hosea 4:1, Mechon-Mamre

"And let us know, eagerly strive to know the LORD" Hosea 6:3, Mechon-Mamre

"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge..." Hosea 4:6, Mechon-Mamre

The Hebrew word translated by mercy in the verses above is Chesed (Hesed). It is commonly translated in English by kindness or loving-kindness. Translators find it hard to translate this word in other languages because it is difficult to convey the true meaning. This word is mainly attributed to God's kindness or goodness and that is hard enough to describe because it is not common to human race. Whilst reading the verses above I noticed a pattern, a pattern the apostle Paul tells us how we can prevent in Romans 12:2 "Do not change yourselves to be like the people of this world. But be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to determine what God wants for you. And you will be able to know what is good and pleasing to God and what is perfect."

When you get to know what Paul describes above, what do you actually know? I think you know God, you know what chesed means. That goodness and compassion that remains good and compassionate even when it has nothing to gain from it or even when it goes against ones interests. That is the main characteristic of God. When you truly know that, you know Him and that knowledge does something in you. Firstly, because He is chesed with you, you want to be chesed with others. That extravagant kindness that appears in ones life when they deserve it the least. His chesed creates chesed in you and it fulfills His purpose from the beginning- to create humans in His likeness. I believe throughout our history God's complaint with us was always the same "You don't know Me. If you truly knew Me it wouldn't be so easy for you to leave Me and abandon My ways."

What happens if you don't listen to Hosea's warnings and Paul's advice?

As always Israel is my teacher. She knew from the beginning she had a different kind of God than the nations around her. But somehow Israel always wanted to be like the other nations. God set for her very clear guidelines on how He should be approached, but the purpose of the guidelines was always the approach- "draw near". Still, since Israel was so focused on the nations around her, she ended up copying them. She focused more on the guidelines than on Him. She slowly ended up worshiping Him in the same way the nations around her worshiped their gods- sacrifices to please them, rituals to satisfy them...This way she failed to draw near, she failed to know Him. If she did, she would've noticed all He actually wanted was a restored relationship in which Israel willingly gave herself just as He gave Himself by calling Himself her God.

It pains me to see the same things in many churches today. It doesn't matter the denomination, the principle seems to remain the same. Because of the level we've reached in the realms of technology and communication, the gods of this age are money, power, influence, fame and glory to a degree unequaled in our past. I look around myself and I see how "saving souls" turned into a competition between congregation sizes. Numbers is what matters because numbers bring donations, donations bring bigger buildings and bigger buildings bring fame and influence. We don't have sacrifices. We replaced them with programmes...But if you're approaching "the numbers" one by one, you will many times hear the same verses and the same phrases, which if you happen to dig deeper very few can really explain.

The other day, I saw a chain of messages on a Facebook page of which I am a member. The owner added a status requesting the brothers and sisters to listen to the desperate pleas of a sister of ours. She was asking us to help her. Her daughter is dieing of cystic fibrosis and she is the mother of a two year old. Our sister was telling us how she raised all the money she possibly could to cover for the treatment but it was still not enough. One after the other my brothers told her how they will pray for her. Others demanded healing in the Name of Jesus, whilst others were claiming it done. I was sitting there going through the messages and this verses came into my mind "My brothers and sisters, if people say they have faith, but do nothing, their faith is worth nothing. Can faith like that save them?A brother or sister in Christ might need clothes or food. If you say to that person, "God be with you! I hope you stay warm and get plenty to eat," but you do not give what that person needs, your words are worth nothing." (James 2:14-16)

I got angry in my heart. I felt like writing the verse and tell them "I hope you will remember this and the tears of that woman next time you look at your $20,000 car parked on your alley". But that was not the love in me talking. One person wrote "Look, I don't want to sound like a jerk, but make sure you don't just pray, you also ACT." And then another wrote "Can you please give us details on where to send the money?" So, I calmed down. I remembered perhaps I should not look at them through the perspective of their $20,000 car in light on some of the theories we hear in some churches today (if you're sitting there asking yourself what churches is she on about open God Channel)

What's happening to us? Are we losing sight of His chesed again? Do we fail to know Him again because we are too focus on copying what's around us?

I am not here to judge anyone. These thoughts are mainly for me. I pray God will bring them in my heart everytime I go and waste money on something more expensive and I forget all the faces I saw in the Romanian villages I've been through. I am part of His Church, I am part of my brothers and sisters. Perhaps that's why I can't keep my mouth shut. I wish I could only write about smiles, love, butterflies and flowers. I wish I would live in a world that would not give me any other topics, but regrettably I don't...
I really want this to be a road sign for me on a personal level. If I am focused on copying what's around me rather than on being changed within, I am convinced I will end up in the same place. A place where there is "no truth, no chesed (goodness, kindness, compassion) and no knowledge of God" (Hosea 4:1)
A place where I forget that He is chesed- Good and Compassionate even when He has nothing to gain from me. A place where I forget myself to be chesed, because I loose sight of His good, pleasing and perfect will for my life.

To Israel...

"Jerusalem, the nations will see your goodness, and all kings will see your glory. Then you will have a new name, which the Lord himself will give you.You will be like a beautiful crown in the Lord's hand, like a king's crown in your God's hand. You will never again be called the People that God Left, nor your land the Land that God Destroyed. You will be called the People God Loves, and your land will be called the Bride of God, because the Lord loves you. And your land will belong to him as a bride belongs to her husband." Isaiah 62:2-4

"Israel!", my heart is crying
"Israel", I hear inside
Israel, this love consumes me
But I'll never try to hide.

I'm wearing your Star with honour
I have pledged my heart to you
I will walk this road besides you
For I know it to be true.

I have seen the way He loves you
With a love that cannot die
I have heard His loving whisper
"They're the apple of My eye"

I will say it until forever
Every time I'll meet your sons
Israel, I am so sorry
We fed your children to the guns

I am sorry for all the mothers
For all the children and all the fathers
For every Jew that ever died
And paid with their lives for a lie...

I will walk this road besides you
I will stand and fight for you
Israel, you might not know me
But I know His love for you.

So far today, 4,308 Christians pledged on facebook to pray for Israel against rocket attacks- I am one of them. I am convinced in the same way a daddy holds his child close and covers their head with the palm of his hand to protect them, that's how Abba stretches His hand over Israel to protect them. The palm of His hand is their best anti-rocket shield. The time has come for us to acknowledge the verses above. They are and will always remain "The People That God Loves". I am one among the nations that the prophet talks about who sees this. I pray you get to see it, too. But if you choose not to, I won't hold it against you. You see, they don't need us, that's how Great their Defender is.

When fear comes

I'm really scared, Abba
I don't know what to do
My mind and heart are shaking
That's why I call to You.

You asked me why the fear?
Why do I shake within?
Why is my heart so troubled?
Who told me I won't win?

The shortest answer, Abba?
"Forgive me, I forgot!"
Who brought me all the way here
And told me "You fear not!"

Please forgive me, dear Abba
And calm again my soul
I know You brought me here
I know You'll take me home.

Remind me what's important
Don't let me loose the sight
I can't cave under pressure
I cannot loose this fight.

Tell my heart how You hold it
How precious I'm to You.
I might not understand this
But you know what to do.

Your Emma

"I am the Lord you God, who holds your right hand and I tell you, "Don't be afraid. I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

Lessons from whitewashed walls...

Nothing is wasted, everything is a lesson learnt even if it is a lesson on how not to be ever again.- Emma's journal

"It is because they lead my people the wrong way by saying, "Peace!" when there is no peace. When the people build a weak wall, the prophets cover it with whitewash to make it look strong...I will tear down the wall on which you put whitewash. I will level it to the ground so that people will see the wall's foundation. And when the wall falls, you will be destroyed under it. Then you will know that I am the Lord." Ezekiel 13:10, 14

I am reading the book of Ezekiel these days. It is not a very popular book with many, because they see it as doom and gloom. But I believe it is grossly misunderstood. I love the way God's personality transpires through His words. I see how when He feels something that one emotion doesn't actually control everything. I discover mercy and and love, even though He's angry and hurt. I love the way He's described in His glory even though I struggle to imagine how I can snuggle fire and light. I love His justice, His goodness, the way He uses anything to communicate no matter how ludicrous it might appear, all in the hope "maybe they will listen..." He's really angry with Israel but still I feel a longing after them that makes me cry and I can't explain it even if I would try really hard...

Whilst reading the verses above, I found myself remembering all the ideas and sermons I heard throughout these ten years. Things I really believed in because I trusted the people who said them to me. The way I put my faith in what I heard and how crushed I was and angry with God when they didn't prove to be true...

Ideas such as God punished Job for being afraid and that is why all those terrible things happened to him (he would offer sacrifices after his children's parties "just in case" they sinned against God- Job 1:5) The person who preached this went through a lot of effort to add large quantities of whitewash on the idea by "supporting" it with verses out of context, so to me it appeared like a strong wall. It did however fall to the ground when I realised I was living in fear of being afraid. I had such a twisted image of God because of this idea, simply because it made Him appear like God- The Punisher, sitting somewhere ready to strike at the first glance of fear in my heart. All of the sudden verses that started with "Do not be afraid..." became to me the threats of an angry General instead of the comforting words of a Father. But I am grateful to Abba, for exposing the "foundation of that wall" in spite of all the hurt it caused me, because this made me see how He truly is.

Or ideas such as "the prosperity theory". Reduced to its basics this theory sounds something like this- you give X amount of money and God gives you back more. I am absolutely not saying that is you bless someone, God will not bless you back in return. What I am saying is that "God's bank" does not run solely on a monetary system. God might own "the cattle on a thousand hills" (Psalm 50:10) but what if He chooses to give me a sheep instead? Believe it or not sometimes you will give money and God will give you back a good word from someone when you need it the most, or a verse in the Bible you could honestly say you never saw last time you read that chapter, and that verse will become a treasure to your heart that will support you when you're about to fall. I remember people would turn around to me and tell me things such as "Believe for that amount, do not limit God (as if a human can ever do that). You gave, so God will give you back." In other words "Don't worry, love, He owes you one." So I would focus so much on the amount that I would fail to see the blessings He was actually pouring over my life.
Again, I am not saying if you're in need of money God will not help you. I wrote a posting on this blog on how I ended up with a cheque through the door exactly when I needed it, and this happened more times than I can remember ever since I was a little girl. Even though I grew up in a Christian family, I didn't always follow God. When I was a little girl in communism we didn't always have plenty of food. We were four brothers growing up and I remember once my mum gathered all of us and asked us to pray because we didn't have any more bread. We were praying and someone rang at the door. When my mum answered there was this gentleman with a very large plastic bag. He said his boss who was the manager of a bakery sent the bag to my mum to thank her for something my mum helped her with. When my mum opened the bag it was full of bread, and a variety of other wonderful mouthwatering things. My mum asked God for bread and He sent us a bag full of wonders. I was never able to forget that moment in all of my years of "rebellion". He knows exactly when we need something and He's never late. I guess what I am trying to say is more often than not the "prosperity theory" manages to distract God's children from His beautiful Face to His giving Hand. And not just any type of giving, but giving on our term.
I am not against money at all, I just want to remember that from all of Abba's blessings, money are not the most important and precious one, simply because I can't take them with me when I leave this place.

There are many other ideas I once believed and they proved to be whitewash. I don't believe my faith in these ideas was a negative experience even though many times it proved to be a painful experience. I have learnt many important lessons. Such as, if my heart is sincere, even if the idea or theory is wrong, God in His faithfulness will expose the foundation and make me grow. Because of this, I don't feel threatened by challenging things I hear, or things I don't initially agree with. I give them a fair chance, because I have the freedom to ask questions in order to make decisions I alone have to answer for. One of my most important lessons was question everything you ever hear or see. Go to the original translation, read the whole chapter, verify the historical context, ask God to open your eyes and your mind and only after adopt what you've just heard or seen , if it's still standing up as a theory.
We live in a day and age when ignorance has no excuse. Blaming the preacher for convincing you to believe something is a bit pathetic in my view, considering all the tools at your disposal if you want to know the truth.

I am grateful for the sermons and ideas that caused crisis in my life. In spite of the pain and confusion I felt back then, at the end of every dark tunnel I found myself in Abba's arms and I discovered amazed that as long as my heart is humble and sincere before Him, I simply can't get lost.