I don't hate darkness

I needed darkness to understand my light
I needed weakness to learn how to fight
There, trapped in chains and broken on the ground
Darkness has taught me that I can be found.

He came and found me many years ago
And walked beside me through sun and rain and snow...
He said He came as Light here and that if I believe
Darkness just cannot hold me and that I can walk free.

I have His light within me, even when I am found here
Though darkness tries to hold me, I hear Him "Have no fear!
Have you seen mountains falling or the hills be removed?
But even if you'll see them, My love will shine on you."

So no, I don't hate darkness and weaknesses and all...
And when I'm landing here I know it's just a fall.

I know darkness can't hold me.
I know I can get up.
I know I'm not alone here.
I know there is no trap.

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10

"I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness." John 12:46

Prayer for a fallen warrior

I look at him, sweet Jesus
The little boy I use to know
He seems so trapped in here
His life...this massive pack of snow

He thinks that we forgot him
And don't remember how
We used to laugh togher 
And cry and share that bond

He thinks this world will end him
And there's no point to fight
That's why I ask, sweet Jesus
Please give him all the might

Please bring back the little warrior 
Who refused to give up
Who could see the deception
And used to fight the trap

Who looked at me and told me
"Never will I give up
I refuse to go under
I refuse to get trapped". 

A personal testimony

I grew up in a communist Romania, under Ceausescu, a terrible dictator whom I was meant to call father of my nation. I still remember how when I was nine years old I was dancing around our flat when they shot him and his wife. It might sound horrible but unless you were there, you can't possibly understand how it felt even as a small child to feel safe for the first time in your life.

I am the oldest child of four and grew up in a poor area of Cluj-Napoca, the capital of Transilvania in a two bedrooms flat (one of which was actually the lounge:-))). I know what it means to pray for your bread and to think for the rest of your life that Christmas smells like oranges because that was the only time I could queue for hours with a coupon in my hands and get 6 oranges (one for each member of our family). I had my first pair of trainers when I was fourteen and I was so happy that I went to bed with them and refused to take them off. I had my first pair of jeans when I was sixteen. It carried on being my only pair of jeans until I was eighteen. I used to wash them a few times a week and put them on the radiator so that they would get dry and I would be able to wear them again the next day. In spite of all this I had a happy childhood with amazing grandparents and siblings. With a mum who told me all my life that she did not bring me into this world to be a victim and that I have to be strong, who loved me and inspired me and with a father who loved me as much as he knew how.

When I was eight I started to teach myself English by repeating time and time again "This is a wall. This is a pen. My name is Emanuela..." I dreamed of England all my life and was determined to speak English better than anyone I ever knew. My English teacher noticed my passion and invested a lot in me. I won many competitions in the area with my essays and works and I was proud that I was good at something. For a long time that was all and England was nothing but a distant dream. Then I became friends with a very special person who impacted my life at a time when I saw little hope for my future. He encouraged me a lot not to give up on my dreams and to believe that there is no limit to my potential. I wanted to believe him, but at 23 I was still in a two beds flat, in the same poor area and hardly had money to buy a bus ticket. That person was to become my brother-in-law:-)

Many days I would lose hope completely, but my mum has not brought a victim in this world and I had to be strong so with God's help I learnt how to encourage myself. I created a board with pictures from several big cities in England and with the UK map. I put it on the table next to my bed and would look at it to remind myself that I should not give up on my dreams. One day hopelessness paid me another visit and I ended up on the carpet in tears, starring at my board which at that point in time might as well have shown me a picture with the moon. But my mum has not brought a victim into this world and I had to be strong, so I looked straight at a picture on that board and said out loud "One day I will walk on those streets." I knew I had no chances to do it on my own because back then I needed a visa and in order to get a visa I had to have a substantive bank account to demonstrate credibility at the embassy. Furthermore, I had previously applied for a visa and they rejected my application for the same reasons. But somewhere inside me that was my dream and I knew if God kept it alive all those years He will make it come to pass and no embassy will ever stop Him.

Fast forward nine years. I am married with an Englishman. I have not only visited England, but I live here for over 7 years now. But more important, this Monday I was getting home from work and whilst walking on the street I stopped in my tracks and remembered the day I sat on that carpet in my two beds flat, in a poor area of Cluj with not a single penny in my pocket and said out loud "One day I will walk on those streets." The picture I looked at that day was of the city I was walking through this Monday. I started to cry, turned around in a circle and looked around myself as if I was asleep for the last nine years and I just woke up to see my dream come true.

Let me tell you what God did. He took that girl who had no chance from a far away country and not only gave her her dream but He made sure she works now in one of the most important buildings in the second largest city in England for an organisation which over 300 years old where she is respected and appreciated and cared for and nobody cares where she came from or how much money she grew up with.

One of my friends told me this week "Emma, God is enlarging your territory". I took it as I always take phrases like this. They sound to me like some over used Christian affirmation that you're somehow meant to understand like a secret handshake. But for the first time in my life I understood what that phrase meant. My dream was to visit England. That in itself would have been a miracle to me. That was as much as I could dream on that day when I was crying on the carpet. But God enlarged my territory. He showed me what His version of my dream looked like and let me tell you, it is far beyond anything I could have ever possibly imagined.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry...He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LorD and put their trust in him. Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord... Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us, None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, Lord, as you know^. I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help, I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly." Psalm 40

Wingless bird

A bird knows it exists for one purpose- to fly. They know it from the moment they’re on the edge of the cliff about to fall or take off. So they spread their wings and do what they were always meant to do- fly.

Man’s greatest inner desire is to find meaning and purpose. The answer to the question that haunted us throughout the ages- why am I here?

I am a seeker. I sought all my life and I assume I will carry on the same way. But so far, the only answer I keep coming across to pretty much all my big questions is- Because He loves us. Why am I here? To hopefully always find this answer to all of my questions. 

Why am I here? To understand I am so loved, in the middle of this unloving world. I exist to be loved. My sister keeps saying that if God would stop thinking of us, we would cease to exist, and I agree with her.

Ever since I was a little girl I heard this verse in church “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

And it feels amazing when good things happen to you, things that seem to confirm this verse 100%. But how about when things don’t go according to plan? When what you hoped for, doesn’t happen? What do you do?

I seem to see two reactions in people and in myself.  We either doubt our love for Him- “Perhaps I didn’t loved Him as I should’ve, or believed Him as much as I should’ve” or we doubt His love for us- “Perhaps I’ve done something wrong and God is upset with me” And I know when church going people read this sort of thing they have at least two verses about how we get things by grace not because we deserve them, but if you are honest with yourself when you are in that place, these are thoughts that cross your mind.

It always seems to take us a while to ask the question “What is for my good?”
This week I came across one of my favourite verses in a different translation, exactly when I was asking myself this question. "But as for me, the nearness of God is my good." Psalm 73:28

I understood then, that He loves me so much, that He would do anything, move anything, change anything, deny me whatever He has to, only to keep me near.  And once again, my answer to my question was- Because He loves me.

I exist because God thinks me into existence. And He thinks of me every millisecond not because He would be a little bit bored without me, but because He loves me. Same way birds exist to fly, I exist to be loved by God and to answer to His love with mine. These days I have this thought that no matter what happens to me, if I want to see it, I will be able to find His love behind anything that come along. And if I don't want to see it,  I am but a wingless bird that cannot fly…

Tell me what God feels like. I'm starting to forget...

"Soon after her brother was born, little Sachi began to ask her parents to leave her alone with the new baby. They worried that like most four-year-olds, she might feel jealous and want to hit or shake him, so they said no. But she showed no signs of jealousy. She treated the baby with kindness and her pleas to be left alone with him became more urgent. They decided to allow it. Elated, she went into the baby's room and she shut the door, but it opened a crack-enough for her curious parents to peek in and listen. They saw little Sachi walk quietly up to her baby brother, put her face close to his and say quietly, "Baby, tell me what God feels like. I'm starting to forget." 

Dan Millman taken from "Chicken soup for the soul" by Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

"I tell you the truth, you must change and become like little children. Otherwise, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. The greatest person in the kingdom of heaven is the one who makes himself humble like this child." Matthew 18:3-4

I had a chat tonight with a dear one of mine who is going through a hard time. One of those times perfectly described in Psalm 88, when you think God forgot about you and no matter how much or how hard you pray your words bounce of the ceiling and hit the floor like a boomerang, never actually reaching their destination. I tried to tell my dear one, that when things don't make sense it is always the same battle line, the one that always was and always will be- Can your God be trusted? And if you dare to adventure yourself and confess "yes", then you hear straight away in your heart "Prove it!"

Why is it so hard to adventure and answer yes? Because just like Sachi, time on this earth and especially time apart from God, makes you forget how God "feels like". What do I mean by "feels like"? If you ever met Him you know exactly what I mean. That warmth that overwhelms you all of the sudden in the middle of the day when you expect it the least. That smile on your face and peace in your heart in the middle of a messy situation. That perfect hope described in Psalm 88 that made the Psalmist still carry on praying even when he thought God was against him. That's what God feels like. If one would ask me to describe how God feels like in one phrase I guess it would be "God is a smile on my face when I really should be crying."

Both you and I know we are here temporary and both you and I know what the battle line is. So as I said in other postings on this blog, if doubt takes you to court for lack of evidence and screams at you to "Prove it!" then I guess my dear one, I am the little baby tonight trying to remind you how God feels like.