So, I keep going...

I woke up this morning at 5,30, as I usually do these days, with a desparate desire to tell Him how I feel.
If I look inside myself these last few weeks everything is a contradiction. I feel defeated, yet I know I'm not. I doubt and yet I see Him doing again things I can't deny. I feel lost but somehow at the same time I feel held tight like in a warm snuggle.

So, in trying to describe all this to Him, I manage to write my first poem. It's in English so bare with me. Anyone who knows me is aware I am mentally incapable of riming:-) I am sharing this with you for all those who feel the same conflict I described above. As always, my message is the same- you are not alone. And something else, He knows...He knows how hard it is, so close your eyes, take a deep breath and keep going.

So I keep going

Surprised by joy, amazed by grace
I walk this path of mine
And I am struggling everyday
Between the mundane and devine

Once in a while I see Your Face
I stretch my hand- You're gone
I die a little bit inside
Still, know I'm not alone...

I tell myself "Do not give up!
He didn't- for your sake.
Keep going, daughter, you'll be fine
There is a purpose to this race."

So, I keep going, though I'm not fine
And though I ache inside...
Because You said I have a place
That Your home's also mine."

Bat Tzion

Why do they tell me to praise Him?

"Remember to praise His work. Men sing about it. Everybody has seen it. people look at it from far off. God is so great! He is greater than we can understand!" (Job 36:24-26)

"Look to the sky and see. Look at the clouds so high above you. If you sin it does nothing to God. Even if your sins are many they do nothing to God. If you are good you give nothing to God. He receives nothing from your hand. Your evil ways only hurt a man like yourself. And the good you do only helps other human beings." (Job 35:5-8)

Any good parent and mentor knows that praise builds confidence in a child. This seems to remain applicable throughout our existence. Somehow it provides nourishment to our minds and souls or to use one of the expressions in English that greatly amuses me- it boost our confidence.
If you search through the Bible and look at the lives of the men and women whom walked closely with Him, they strongly advise you to "praise the Lord!" or "To sing praises to the Lord!" as if they discovered the best kept secret. It seems to be a must if you want intimacy with God.

Because of my inquisitive nature, my next question obviously is "Why?"
Does He require my praises for the same reasons I require His- to boost my confidence? Why am I asked so often to praise God?

Well there is the obvious reason- God is far Greater than I am and He deserves to be worshiped. I know that already, because the majority of Christian songs now days seem to contain this phrase as if there is nothing left to say about God. And that's fine, but that's just not good enough for me. God is far more than a Great All-Powerful God who diserves worship. All the religions around me will tell me the same about their gods. The major difference is that my God has a heart. A heart big enough to contain us all. And that heart is what I am after. That is why I read, seek, ask questions... Whenever I read the Bible, whether His words are sweet and comforting or harsh, I try to see His heart behind the words, same way you do when someone is speaking and you're looking into their eyes.

So the question remained in me everytime I would come accross verses that would tell me to look around me at what He created and praise Him. Is it because He needs my praise? Would God still be Great if no one would notice His Greatness?

I found my answer this week in something very simple and sweet. My mum tried her hand at gardening this year. She planted flowers, apple trees, cherry trees, vegetable and strawberries. Out of all her hard work, strawberries brought the most imediate result. Beautiful, big, jucy strawberries now cover her plot. A crop good enough for my mum to make jam.
Because all of us are away from her either in a different country or a different city, my mum got her camera out and sent us pictures of her strawberry crop. Why? Because we are away from her in a foreign land and she wants to get us involved in her world, for the sake of our relationship, to keep alive the closeness and intimacy our family shares. My mum has enough people praising her crop, from neighbours to relatives and visitors. But she sent us pictures because she wanted to share her joy with us.

I understand now it's the same with God, my Abba. He's sorounded by angels and creatures I can't even imagine when I read their description. They stand before His face and the only thing they can say when they look at Him is "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty!" Beat that, Emma:-)
God put a little bit of Himself in everything that He created. So when I take the time to look around me and notice, I actually acknowldge Him. Praising God is for my sake not for His. In one of her last articles my sister wrote "What I know is that I am always before His eyes, to compensate for the fact that I can’t see Him. He always listens to me to compensate for me not being able to hear Him. He always holds me to compensate for me not being able to touch Him. He is always near to compensate for the distance that I feel. He always comforts me to compensate that I feel Him against me. He is my Father to compensate for the fact that I feel orphaned. He is my road to compensate for me feeling lost.. He is my everything, to compensate for me not having anything…"

As far as God is concerned, He is already near, loving me and comforting and guiding me. It is I who needs reminders. Praise is nothing else than acknowledging God. When you acknowldge Him in what you see around you, something beautiful happens to you. All of the sudden that is not just a flower, that is a flower created for you. You feel loved and cared for and your imediate reaction is thankfulness. When asked how he met God, Philip Yancey said that he was so moved by the beauty sorounding him that he desperately wanted to thank someone. I know that feeling well. When I take a walk through Abba's Garden I want to thank Him for loving me, even though He gains nothing from it.