Dilemmas of a Christian girl

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD" Jeremiah 29:13-14

In my article "Bat Melech-Daughter of the King", I was telling you how I can talk to Bat Melech for hours about what Adonai is doing in us and the way we see things around us.

I had a similar conversation with her last night. Amongst other things I was asking her why can't I be a normal Christian girl, why do I have to ask myself all these questions and be obsessed with finding out. Why can't I just go to church, read my Bible and have fellowship with my brothers like everybody else?..."What's wrong with me, Chris? Why can't I be like the rest?" She asked me: "Do you really want to be like the rest, Emma? Is that all you want? To be accepted? From everything you ever read in the Bible show me one man or woman who walked with God and did not end up alone because they were not like the rest?" I couldn't. I know it's true. If you choose to walk on this road, there will always be pain. It's something every seeker goes through. Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived said: "For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;the more knowledge, the more grief." (Ecclesiastes 1:18)

But I want to know Him. That's all I want in this life. More than being accepted, more than being happy, more than belonging to a nice congregation or be a famous or have things. Above all this I want to know Him and only Him. The problem is nowdays, just God doesn't seem to be enough. It's God plus programmes, God plus show, God plus miracles and wonders. He just doesn't seem to be enough for us anymore. And it breaks me. At first I was furious, than I turned rebellious, now I'm only sad.

Why these reactions? Because He said "Seek Me and you will find Me." He didn't say "Seek Me and you will find miracles and wanders. Seek Me and I'll show you all that I can do. " He just said "Seek Me".
Yesterday, I saw on a pastor's Facebook wall who's meditations I read with great joy: "Christians do not read their Bibles anymore. Any thoughts what I might suggest to improve this?" Over 400 Christians replied, some saying:change your translation, write down things...all very good ideas. But my feeling whilst reading this was that we're trying to heal a broken nail when the hand doesn't work properly. The fact that Christians don't read the Bible is just a result of something far worse. They're simply not that interested anymore, or they are discouraged and apathetic. If all you hear is "pray hard, believe with all your heart, wait on the Lord and you will see great miracles and signs", you begin with all your heart expecting the miracles you keep hearing about from the pulpit, but when they hardly ever come, then what?
Why doesn't God perform great miracles anymore? Because He wasn't loved any more than He is right now when He was doing them. Start with Israel at the bottom of the mountain that was shaking with His presence and finish with Yeashua's death. The disciples were walking around healing people, but each of of them was killed. Seems to me this signs and miracles card did not work to well in our history. Why then are we so obssessed with this now? I hear more and more often these days "I want to see the Glory of God!" That's fantastic! Me, too. But what do you want to see? "I want to see Him doing something amazing. I want Him to shake my nation. I want the whole world to see my God." I want that as well. But then I looked inside myself and I asked "Why, Emma, why do you want to see Him doing all this? Be honest, how much is it because you care about those who don't know Him and how much is it because you want to be proud of Him. Something like: "Check out my God"?

When I found the answer to these nagging questions, I began down this route which involves a lot of pain and a great deal of frustration. He came endured all He did for me, never gave up and now He is not enough? I want to see something in order to believe?
If I am the only one who thinks like this, so be it. This is not the first time I make myself vulnerable, and I truly don't care how people see me. But if there is one more person out there thinking the same way, maybe you want to find some answers to your questions as well.

Why can't we just be proud of who He is right now when He changes people, when He mends broken hearts and gives people a fresh start, without trying to add on to what He is in order to try to convince people. Apostle Paul preached Christ and Him crucified (1 Corinthians 2:2) Period. He turn a whole world upside down by preaching Christ. Why are we coming up with programmes, shows, nice buildings, flashy evangelists...What's this all about? And please don't tell me "The times have changed, Emma. The message has to be relevant to this generation." Really? What else does someone who lost all hope need to hear than what you can tell him- "I once was lost but now I'm found, was blind but now I see?" He called us to be His witnesses. That means tell your story, why do you follow Him? You don't have to tell your pastor's sermon or the four laws of salvation, just your story. He said "you will be my witnesses", but we seem to become less and less that whilst we become more and more professional entertainers. This also breaks my heart...

If I learnt something from all this seek God adventure is that the Glory of God is in hidden things: "It is the glory of God to conceal a thing, but the glory of kings is to search out a thing." (Proverbs 25:2)
When Yeshua came He had nothing that would've drawn anybody's attention: "He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him." (Isaiah 53:2b). He just came and spoke of the Father and loved us until the world could not ignore Him anymore. When Moses asked Adonai "Show me Your glory", Adonai could have done absolutely anything, but He chose to say His Name: "And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." (Exodus 34:6-7) God thinks His Glory is His Name, the way that He is. But we don't seem to be impressed about that. Why?

I am not against signs and miracles. I yearn for them just as any other. But if I never see a miracle in my life, I am not bothered. Whatever miracle He would do from today onwards won't beat in my books what He did in me so far. I think He hides His Glory and Power, for the same reason a rich man looking for love, does not advertise that he is rich- He wants to be loved for who He is not for what He has or what He can do. He says "Seek Me. Follow Me. Love Me." We seem to be telling Him "Show me Your Glory. Just heal that cancer. Just make that disabled person walk, Lord. Just let those around me see who my Gos is." I know there is pain and need in this world, trust me I was not brought up on a bed of roses, but we tell the whole world "Christianity is not a religion, it is a relationship". Is it?

You know what my problem is? I can't ever be anything else but a Christian girl. You know why? Because I am in love with the Jewel of Christianity, and I can't turn my back. I know I will never be able to do it, otherwise I would convert to Judaism tomorrow.

So I sit here with my dilemmas, carry on in my journey and call Bat Melech when it all becomes a bit too much: "Remind me again, why are we Christians?" "Because, we love Him, Emma. Because He loves His bride and if you want to find Him, you know where He's hiding? In each and every one of them."

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3

"To whom will you compare me or count me equal? To whom will you liken me that we may be compared?" (Isaiah 46:5)