"The psalmists tell of panting with an open mouth, of thirsting for the living God, of longing for God as parched earth longs for water. They sound like letters from a lovesick lover and at the core that's what we seekers are. I tell myself that God is inclining an ear to my prayer, and over time I learn to believe it because I can see that God, like most of us, cares mainly about being loved, believed, trusted, honoured." Philip Yancey- "Prayer- Does it make any difference?"Yesterday morning in my time with God this verses came to my mind "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." (Genesis 1:27) and then "God said to Moses, "I am who I am . This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' " (Exodus 3:14) I guess it all happened because I asked God so much lately "Who am I, Abba?" Whatever, brought these verses to my mind, they made me realise that perhaps part of the reason we are created in His own image is that no other creature can introduce itself as God does "I AM"... I am Emma.
As Yancey says "we are unequal partners God and I" but if I go after Him, no matter how much I notice these differences between us, He will change my heart and open my ears. I know we are different God and I- I know. I know we belong to two different worlds right now- the seen and the unseen. But I also know that He became human for me. He wanted me so badly that He came after me.
At some point in April my sister wrote an article called "Anyone who will be ashamed of Me..." In this article amongst other things my sister tells of her journey into understanding what He gave up for us. She tried to look at The Passions, but she said she grew so accustomed to seeing Yeshua as a victim hanging on the cross, that it didn't move her too much. Until she realised He was changed within His nature for us. He choose to come as a human and as The Son of Man, a part of Yeshua will forever be Man. A part of Him is forever changed out of love for us. My sister was asking herself what kind of power or what kind of love could push someone to do such a thing? She was comparing it to a part of her soul being transferred in a bird's body, knowing she will forever be part bird, and to do all this out of love for birds.
I can't see His sacrifice or His love the same way anymore. He did all that for me. And now I am Emma and I belong to I AM WHO I AM, because nobody could ever love me more than this.
In days like today, I have to agree with Yancey, I do feel like a lovesick lover, but I know that if I want to be with Him one day the only way is straight ahead.
I miss you, Adonai sheli, like a refugee in a foreign land- I miss You.
They ask me "Do you feel Jesus? Can you feel the Holy Spirit? Yes, I can. But there's always always a degree of pain involved in feeling Him, because I know the feeling doesn't last. I stretch my hand to touch because I know in a few seconds, minutes this world will snatch me back from feeling Him and at that point for just a short moment I wish I could go home so that I would never have to feel that pain again. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. When He was here, He longed for the Father, He said: "the glory I had with you before the world began." (John 17:5b) "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world." (John 17:24)
Apostle Paul longed after Him: "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21)
A long chain of longing hearts is my company, but at the same time I know that because of these sweet moments and that pain mixed together, I would never be able to forget God. "How can you say that, Emma? You never know what might happen to you." True, but for as long as I get to keep my mind, I know now, I would not be able to forget Him. This used to be my greatest fear. That one day something so horrible would happen to me, that I would willingly forget Him. I would use my power to choose and forget Him. Now I'm free from that fear, because I realised that if I am "tattooed" on God's heart, He's tattooed on mine, too.
Not that I necessarily wish to remember this, but I was twenty and very drunk at parties with my friends and still somehow I would end up locking myself in the toilet in the middle of the party and remember the God my mother and grandmother told me about. I would feel drawn to Him, as if I would miss Him, even though I didn't know Him. Back then I did not know what it meant to be with Him- all this warmth and love and acceptance and safety I feel when I think of Him. I can't forget God even if I want to, because in one way or another I thought about Him all my life.
Sometimes I think it madness the way I make myself vulnerable here. "Why" I ask myself, "why would you do this to yourself?" Because if God willing, what I wrote here today, convinces even one of you to think of Him and "give Him your warmest smile", I don't care how many people think me crazy, it was worth it.
E
No comments:
Post a Comment