It's suppose to be a relationship

"I have learnt one absolute principle in calculating God's presence or absence, and that is that I cannot. God invisible, sovereign, who according to the psalmist "does whatever pleases Him," sets the terms of the relationship. As the theologian Karl Barth insisted so fiercely, God is free: free to reveal Himself or conceal Himself, to intervene or not intervene, to work with nature or outside it, to rule over the world or even to be despised and rejected by the world to display Himself or limit Himself. Our own human freedom derives from a God who cherishes freedom. I cannot control such a God. At best I can put myself in the proper frame to meet Him. I can confess sin, remove hindrances, purify my life, wait expectantly and- perhaps the hardest of all-seek solitude and silence. I offer no guaranteed method to obtain God's presence, for God alone governs that. " Philip Yancey- Reaching for the invisible God

I mentioned before, that I am walking with God for 9 years now, and to be honest I probably tried pretty much all that has been suggested to me by preachers, leaders, mature Christians, books and especially the Bible, on how to approach God and how to "get in His presence". This is one of the most common phrases a non-Christian will hear when going into a church, and rightly so, because He is our goal after all (or He should be), we want to be with Him. But I am learning now, I went about it the wrong way. A Jewish friend of mine told me this before, but I sort of put it in the "lets agree to disagree" box and left it there. He told me "You know, what bothers me about Christianity? You want to approach God but in your own way, on your own terms." I asked myself a lot lately "How come, some people find it easier to approach God than others? Why does it seem almost natural for some and is a permanent struggle for others? Why some just go and tell Him everything in an honest natural way and others need structures and formulas which still leave them sometimes with empty hands and hearts?"

I think I am slowly getting my answer. It seems to have a lot to do with some people's desire to control the dynamic of the relationship. What do I mean? "God only does things this way, He only comes after three songs, preferably two praise and one worship, or if the women heads are covered (which by the way I would like, if we would actually cover our heads for real)"

Somehow I discover it all has to do with humbleness. With accepting we are about to enter His world, a world we can't see and know hardly anything about. That He is the One that invited us there through Yeshua, and as such He decides what He wants to share with us. Yet somehow enter this world of His believing in our hearts that He'll never miss a date.

You see, what's on my heart lately is how gracious He is with us to allow us to be who we are in our relationship with Him. Do you realise He knows everything there is to know about us, but still shows up to what I call "our dates" almost eager to discover us, and for us to discover Him? This thought leaves me in awe, because were I in "His shoes" I would be at least bored about my date.
Why then do we limit Him so in our approach? Why don't we allow Him to reveal Himself? I know God wants to be discovered by us, the same way I know I breath, otherwise He would have never initiated THIS. Yeshua would have never come and He could have started everything all over again. But how curious are we to discover Him? Are we fascinated by His Person, or do we simply treat Him as our Therapist, or our Bank or our Doctor? These thoughts challenge me, make me want more...so much more.

Yesterday, I read a quote in Yancey's book and everytime I remember it I start to cry: "God is like a person who clears His throat while hiding and so gives Himself away." Minster Eckhart
The verse of my life is "You will seek Me and you will find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. I will let Myself be found by you." (Jeremiah 29:13-14) This is the one thing I keep telling myself all throughout this journey. Yesterday I had to face the daunting question "How will I know I found Him?" Somehow in my naivety I thought at a certain point in my life I will reach this constant stage of spiritual maturity and be somehow unshakable and unfazed by life. Somehow I thought finding God and reaching that stage were connected. But yesterday I realised, as I am limited I have to face the reality of perhaps never fully finding an unlimited God here. And still, what matters is seeking, because as I seek I find and as I find I become more fascinated by Him. This is what makes my journey worthwhile. The fact that there isn't a specific point when I find Him, He reveals Himself and I relive the joy of a seeking heart time and time and time again. I want to give Him His space in my life, to make room for Him in me and invite Him to just come and let me know Him in His own way, in His own time. Allow Him to be free just as He gave me this perfect freedom of being who I am yet still be accepted by Him.

Adonai sheli, thank you for allowing me to learn my lessons, walk my deserts, make my mistakes without forcing me to become something I cannot yet be. Thank you for not turning your back, bored or disappointed by my slowness. Teach me how to allow You the same freedom in my life without starting to question "why?where?when?

Your girl.