I'm talking to the girl in the mirror...

"Now with God's help, I shall become myself." Soren Kierkegaard

"In the world to come I shall not be asked: "Why were you not Moses?" I shall be asked "Why were you not Zusya?" Rabbi Zusya

"Look at Him; give Him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from Him" Psalm 34:5, The Message

I was writing yesterday about doing something with what was entrusted to us without allowing an incorrect image of God or fear to stop us, because at the end when we will meet Him, that will simply not constitute an excuse before Him.

But what do I do if I don't even know what was entrusted to me? To be honest with you I've heard so many sermons about God's calling upon my life or "my ministry," that I almost felt the pressure of coming up with something myself only to be able to tell someone "Well, my calling is..." I believe my calling is to be the best Emma that I can be. I believe there is an image of Emma "tattooed" somewhere on God's heart and that is who I am. I live in an environment that encourages me constantly "to become", to re-invent myself, to "do" for the sole purpose of achieving something. And so, unless I seek the One who holds in His heart the true picture of who I am, I will simply create cheap imitations of God's Emma.

There is an amazing Jewish song, that my sister translated for me. It's a conversation a child in search of himself/herself has with Abba Tov (Good Father). Some of the lyrics are:

"Father, I need to know with all my heart that this journey holds a good end,

That all this I'm going through along my path will turn weakness into a great strength

Father, I want to go back to myself and find you there with me.

In essence I'm pure goodness, Father

And in that point I believe in myself."

When I read this the first time I thought "Well, in my essence I am not pure goodness. In my essence I'm a sinner and that's the end of that." It's true, I am a sinner, and without Adonai sheli (My Lord), that's all I'll ever be. But at the same time I carry God's light in me, He choose to put His life and His light in me and because of that, in my essence I am pure goodness. I might not always feel that way and I might not always act as such, but that is how things stand.

I can be very disciplined if I want to. I learned to speak English with a strong American accent and I changed it to British in a matter of months. If I decide to do something, I make a plan and get on with it. I studied PR and Communication so I am "an expert" at re-inventing myself because I've done it for years. But I'm tired and I want to be His Emma... It's a strong desire in me, not just "to be", but to be who He wants me to be. When you pursue a walk of holiness, you start to change things about yourself and that is good, for as long as you understand that you do not have the power to change yourself no matter how much you want. "Sure I do", you might say. I would have to ask you first whether you changed yourself or just a habit and secondly if you say you managed to change everything about your life, how long did it last before you were exhausted? I heard so many people saying "I've tried so hard!" I know, trust me. I also did. For nine years all I do is stand up and land on my face. Now I am convinced the only One that can truly change us is God, because He does it as part of a process, when we don't even realise we are being changed and He does it from the inside out. He somehow manages to change the way I think, I relate to people, I see the world...And all along all I've done was spend time with Him. It's not something forced, that change is a direct result of His Greatness touching this little me-everyday until all I want is just that touch.

If you would ask me "Emma, tell me in one phrase the greatest lesson of your journey so far?" It would have to be, I have only one power in this limited life- the power to choose. I choose to stand up everytime I land because I keep hearing in myself "He did not give up for my sake, I will not give up for His sake." I have the power to choose to seek Him instead of choosing anything else that would satisfy me momentarily. I have the power to choose to forgive. I have the power to choose to look around me everyday and find someone to help or make them smile or do something for them. I have the power to choose to pick up the rubbish from the ground, if you want, because it took God six days to create this amazing planet. I have the power to choose Him and His life everytime it would be a lot more advantageous for me to make a little compromise. This is my only power and it is so strong that not even God can act against it. God can't make me choose anything. It has to be me. Like my sister says: "If God could make us choose something, He would make us love Him more", but He can't because free will is His gift to us.

Who is the true Emma, God's Emma? She is the girl that always always chooses Him. Only He knows her and I am really hoping that as I carry on seeking Adonai sheli, I will become her.

His Emma.

"There is only one problem on which all my existence, my peace and my happiness depend, to discover myself in discovering God." Thomas Merton