Explaining God to Emma

The day before yesterday I read a comment to an article about Pope Francis not opposing the idea of evolution, in that he stated at a scientific conference that God created humans and put them in an environment to evolve. One person wrote "It's time for gods to evolve just like us, if they wish to survive." I stopped and tried to imagine how would God reach such a mind and heart? And yet, He does it. He reached minds and hearts of people like C.S. Lewis or Josh McDowell, both of whom became some of Christianity's strongest advocates. The list is longer, all you have to do is Google "Famous atheists who became Christians" to find them all. Wikipedia even created a list for them. 

I pass everyday by a Christian book shop on my way to work. They have a calendar on a shelf which I get to see everyday I pass by. It says on the front page "Nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37)

I said this before and I will repeat it, I can't explain everything about God. I can't even always explain Him to myself. All I can talk about, all I can rely on is what He taught me through the Bible and what I experienced again and again and again.

I don't have all the answers because I am limited by my human knowledge and "wisdom". They both want humanistic evidence and explanations to an infinite God and His ways. But I am also a daughter of The Almighty God (John 1:12-13) and my spirit within me recognises and knows Him at a personal level. So, I pursue Him with my human brain because I like to understand and when I reach edges, where my human knowledge fails me (it can't have its explanations and evidence), I turn inside myself and reach to the child in me. I see her smile with eyes full of trust as if she knows something I haven't quite grasped yet. And so I rely at that stage on what she knows, on her childlike knowledge of a Father that I can't see with my human eyes, or touch with my human hands, or fully explain with my human brain. And when I let go, I find a strange kind of peace inside, a peace that seems to say "I know that I know". Although I can't always put in words what I know.

I went to the dictionary and checked a verb I thought I knew well- to know. The verb is defined as:

"to perceive or understand as fact or truth; to apprehend clearly and with certainty; to have estblished or fixed in the mind or memory; to be cognisant or aware of; be acquainted with (a thing, place, person, etc.), as by sight,experience, or report; to understand from experience or attainment; to be able to distinguish, as one from another"

Meaty and wordy, right? How could one ever say they know God? Well, I will be audacious enough to say I know God and I will try to explain the best that I can here why I dare to say that.

People will sometimes tell you God can't be explain, you either accept Him or you don't. I don't think it is as extreme as that. I will never stop trying to explain God and try to know Him with my human brain and heart or else why do I even have this human experience called life? I will try...But I will do it on the foundation of some axioms in my life. 

You see, I am obsessed by axioms. This whole blog is an axiom. I called it Road Signs because I want to remember so that I know where to step next. Axioms in the context of a Christian life are born through experiences with God, the kind of experiences which end up tattooed on your heart- when He came and picked you up from a messy situation, when you called and He came and made things better than you expected, when you were afraid and you told Him and He took the fear away with His peace... My axioms are born from almost 14 years of living with God and 19 notebooks of at least 200 pages each where I wrote everything about my relationship with Him. Some of my axioms are:

• God is good and He does not stop being good just because the world is evil
• God never abandons what He loves
• He never rejects you when you go to Him for help
• If you hold on to Him, God will never allow you to get lost
• If you seek Him with all your heart, in humility, you will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13-14). What do I mean by "in humility"? I mean without preconceived ideas of who He is and what He is supposed to be doing.

Ok so I base my feet firmly on these axioms and search. And I don't shy away from anything because I know that I know that He won't let me go and He knows that my search is genuine. Many times I reach edges. Many times...Things that I can't explain, things that point an accusing finger at my God. My first gut reaction is to doubt what I know and then start defending. Instead I am learning to go back inside to His little girl, the one He holds tight in His arms, the one who taught me my axioms. I look at their love and trust for each other and in that moment I know that I know that one day I will know everything.

"And he said: "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3)

"But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the LORD who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth, and that I delight in these things. I, the LORD, have spoken!" (Jeremiah 9:24)

I know...

I will forever cry for You

And won't stop till You come

I know I'm Yours and You are mine

I know where I come from.

I know the warmth of Your embrace

The softness in Your voice

The caring hand that picks me up

And shows me that I have a choice

I know the justice in Your eyes

When evil thinks it got its way

I know You are a Warrior King

I know that there will come a day

I know You always have a plan

You're always in control

I know You're Power and You're Light

And You breathe Life in every soul.

I know I trust You with my life

That's why I gave it all to You

I know You love me with Your life

Somehow, I think I always knew.

Your Emma

May I never lose my wonder

"May I never lose my wonder. May I never lose my wonder. Wide eyed and mystified, may I be just like a child, staring at the beauty of my King." Bethel, "Wonder"

"God, be merciful to me because You are Loving. Because, You are always ready to be Merciful, wipe out all my wrongs. Wash away all my guilt and make me clean again." Psalm 51:1-2

"Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6

"God, You will not reject a heart that is broken and sorry for its sin." Psalm 51:17

"Create in me a pure heart, God. Make my spirit right again." Psalm 51:10

Today is my non-working day and I just finished watching "David and Bathsheba", a movie is from 1951 with Gregory Peck and Susan Hayward and I am crying....

The film is really good. It might sound surprising to some, since I am a convinced romantic, but I do not like old movies because I cannot identify with them and to be frank I find them a bit cheesy. But this movie got to me. It portraits King David at the peak of his royal glory, yet feeling a bit lost and longing for the boy he once was. What got to me the most, was the end of the movie, after his first child with Bathsheba dies and he is confronted by prophet Nathan about his sin. Nathan tells David what his punishment will be and (in the movie) he also tells David that Bathsheba will have to be judged according to the law (be stoned to death for adultery). David tries every argument to save her and in the end he turns around to Nathan and says: "If God is as you say He is, let Him speak for Himself" and then at the risk of losing his life, he goes before God and The Ark of The Covenant.

It was well known that if there was any sin or uncleanliness in you, you would drop dead before The Ark, but David risked it anyway. The first thing he tells God is "God of my youth..." He acknowledges his sin and exposes his heart before God completely bare: "Don't look at me as I am now. Look at the boy I once was before You. Kill this David and let that boy live again." And then he places both his hands on The Ark, in an ultimate act of trust in God's mercy. The hands dirtied by the blood of Uriah, Bathsheba's killed husband. The hands that touched another man's wife... those hands, David stretches forward and touches God, the only way he can. In the movie, there is a thunder and a lightning and God takes him back and lets him see the boy David again- full of trust and light and brave. Then all stops and David not only lives, but he stands before The Ark with wonder in his eyes. A storm begins and David gets out of the tent. Prophet Nathan tells him:" No one can profess to know God completely, but today He showed us another glimpse of His face." David goes straight to Bathsheba, grabs her hands and takes her out in the cleansing rain.

Throughout everything I described above I was sobbing with tears running down my face. Why? Because I know that feeling so well, when the guilt and the pain of separation from Him, makes you drag yourself before Him and crush down there. You are acutely aware of what you deserve, of what He is entitled to do to you. And still, you remember "because You are Loving...", "Because You are always ready to be Merciful...", "Surely, goodness and mercy..."

All week I listened to a song from Bethel called "Wonder". It is meant to be a congregational prayer "May we never lose our wonder. May we never lose our wonder. Wide eyed and mystified, may we be just like a child staring at the beauty of our King." All week I considered and pondered the beauty and the innocence of a child's soul- the perfect trust, the goodness, the light, the joy. Why? Because, that is the yearning of my heart. I want to have the heart of a child before God- open and trusting and full of wonder. And there is nothing that I've experienced to be more wonderful, than God's mercy.

You think you know Him, right? You think you know what His decision will be. You know what you deserve...and still something pushes you forward before Him "because He is Loving", "because He is always ready to be Merciful..." and "Surely, goodness and mercy..."

And time and again you stand up afterwards and instead of judgement and punishment, you get goodness and mercy, because He "never rejects a heart that is broken and sorry for its sin."

"May I never lose my wonder..."

I hate it when I sin, mainly because 99% of the time I know what I am doing. That is what sickens me the most, that I could choose good and holiness and I choose something else instead. I compared it once with receiving a beautiful white dress and with the first occasion trashing it in the pig stall...
I used to lay there in the mire, paralysed by guilt and numb with longing until He would remind me again that "He is Loving...always ready to be Merciful" and "Surely, goodness and mercy..."
And time and again, after dragging my dirt before Him, goodness and mercy is what I always received.

People will tell you many things about God. You might even be "fortunate" enough to have people come and point to your sin. Or even worse, you might end up having your sin exposed before the whole world. You might then end up feeling bare, naked, guilty, humiliated and worthy of whatever judgement is about to come your way. But let me tell you something that I learnt from David and from making the trip to the pig stall many many times. People are more eager to judge and less merciful than God will ever be. So if you ever end up in such a place, silence the voices of the accusers, as right as they might be about your sin, and somehow drag yourself before God, the God of your youth, the Loving and Merciful God because He "never rejects a heart that is broken and sorry for its sin." Therein lies the wonder of it all. That He could give you judgement and He chooses to give you goodness and mercy instead.

"May I never lose my wonder..."

May I never take any of this for granted, or ignore His Loving, Merciful way with me. May I never dare to forget...

"Wide eyed and mystified, may I be just like a child staring at the beauty of my King."

I'll always be your Friend

I Am The One who holds you

And will never let go

You think the world is shaking

But I am still in control.

Because darkness is growing,

You're worried you can't see

But darkness is just another way 

For you to learn and walk with Me

Ignore the noise and babble

And all the lies they say

They dream they will defeat you

But I have made this way.

Remember that I warned you

These days and times will come

So let me hold you, sweet child

And stop feeling so numb.

We'll walk this road together

Until the very end

No matter what you're hearing

I'll always be your Friend.

And when your heart is broken

And you feel blind and weak

Always always remember

What matters is what I speak!

Fighting the good fight

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21

It's black, so black around me

This darkness makes me cold

I'm feeling my way onwards

But find nothing to hold.

There's evil, pure evil around me

Which tries to scare my soul

It's making loads of noises

And pushing me to fall.

I am quiet, quiet within me

I know the noise is fake

He's always been a liar

Always will be a snake

There's trust, trust in my spirit

That You will not let go

In spite of lies and noises

I still know what I know!

I'm smiling, smiling dear Father

Through noises, cold and lies

They think blackness will blind me

But You're light to my eyes.

I'll follow, follow my way onwards

And fight them till the end

I'll fight evil with goodness

And that is how I'll stand.

Jews call it "Tikkun Olam"= repairing/healing the world. Christians call it "Fighting the good fight and showing grace". I call it NOT LIVING IN VAIN.

Don't judge a girl by her T-shirt

“Whoever comes to me I will never drive away.” John 6:37

“Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you.” John 8:10-11

Yesterday I was talking to a friend on the bus. He complimented me on my outfit and we started talking about the differences in dressing styles between English and Romanians. On how Romanians love to look their best all the time and almost always will wear their best clothes in public whilst English are a lot more relaxed in their dressing style. He proceeded to tell me about this one time he went to Oradea (a city on the Romanian border with Hungary), and whilst on the tram he noticed a girl all done up, looking extremely serious and wearing a T-shirt which said “I am beautiful”.

My friend commented on how this girl was only trying to attract attention with her outward appearance. When I heard him, I got a bit flared up. I told him quite passionately that he has no way of knowing what was behind that made up face and the T-shirt with the bold logo.

I once read somewhere that Hurt wears Prada and Depression drives a Ferrari. Just because someone looks all put together and appear to have money does not mean that they have it all together.

A few years ago I worked as a volunteer in a Pro-Life clinic. We had a whole spectrum of ladies coming to the clinic, most of them just because they wanted to have a chat with someone. I learnt a good lesson whilst working there. Many of these ladies looked very elegant and put together when they walked through the door and sometimes I felt intimidated by them. That was until we would start to talk. In many instances it would be the elegant ladies, those who seemed to have it all figured out, that I would end up giving a hug to after they had a good cry. I learnt then not to judge by good looks the same way I know I should not judge beggars just because they look rough.

Looks mean nothing when your heart is broken and many times it is the best looks that hide the worst pain. People use looks like a mask. Some of them use elegance and expensive clothes to hide insecurity, pain and abuse.

And something else, just because a girl’s dressing style is “bold” does not mean that she is. Look behind the mask and I assure you more often than not you will find lack of self-esteem, pain and just a basic desire to be loved for who she is. Why do they dress like that? Because confidence is attractive, fear and pain are not. So, please don’t judge a girl by her T-shirt.

                                                                                       Emanuela

God is good all the time. Or is He?

These days, I seem to come across desperate souls everywhere I turn. Yesterday, they found the bodies of three Israeli kids who were kidnapped and shot by the terrorist organisation, Hamas. I prayed for days that they will return home safe. They never will...

A Romanian friend of mine, who is away from home, wrote on her Facebook wall yesterday “PLEASEEEE GOOODDD DON’T TAKE MY MUM!” She posted today that her mum is out of surgery and stable.

I went through a whole scale of human emotions yesterday varying from sadness and helplessness to anger and fury and culminating with confidence and faith. What you will read below is my muddy way of finding my own answers.

I ended up writing on my Facebook wall “I don't know why God chooses to answer some prayers and not others. I don't know why the mother of Gilad Shalit got to hold her son again and the mothers of these boys never will. But one thing I know, God does not stop being good just because this world is mad and evil”

We want to be independent and have the freedom to choose but we are not so willing to take responsibility for our choices. When things go wrong, we are not to be blamed, God is, because He is All Powerful and He should have stopped that. Pain and suffering pushes humans to unfairness and when we blame God, we are first and foremost unfair to Him.

But He is Almighty, right? So if He is Almighty than He is also to be blamed for everything.

I’ve seen people yesterday blaming God for what not and I got angry. Not because I never blamed God in my life for anything, quite the opposite, He was to blame for everything wrong in my life, including the fact that I was alive “since I haven’t asked to be born.” Yesterday, I got angry because I tried for one second to understand how I would feel if I got the blame for everything going wrong in this world.

 The mother of one of the boys killed, said two days before she found out her son was dead “God does not owe me anything.”  What a thing to say when you don’t know if your son is still alive and you pray with all your heart for him to be. Throughout these 18 days, the mothers of these boys taught me nothing else but dignity, faith, trust and what it means to know your God when disaster strikes. They were beautiful to me as only a trusting Jewish soul knows how to be.

God does not owe us anything at the best of times. He most certainly does not owe us anything if we decide to go our way and completely dismiss Him from our society. If He is not good enough to be followed He should not be the target practice for our blame game either. Luckily for us, He is not easily offended hence we’re still here.

Why am I writing all this? Because, I noticed a similar trend among Christians, whereby He is to be blamed rather than trusted. We pray and put all our faith in our prayer and then when things don’t happen, He is to be blamed. ”I mean I invested time and energy and faith and there’s no result, God. Where’s my answer?” I don’t know if this is the best question. Perhaps a better question would be-what is the point in getting an answer to whatever we ask for, if we miss the only thing that truly matters in our relationship with Him, and that is the confidence that "“the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100:5

Defeat is not an option

Haunted by my own poor choices

I am crashing on the ground

I don't know how to fix this

Or to restore my calm

I've stopped counting the reasons

I'm on my face again

I had enough of "what if's"

They will not fix the pain...

I'm sorry, dear Father

So sorry for my mess

I wish that I could fix it

Rather than just confess

But I can't fix my problems

Or change all that I've done

I can just sit here waiting

And hope that You're not gone

"Gone where?", I hear You asking

"Where would you have Me go?

I told you I'll never leave you

And I will make you grow.

What do you think will stop Me?

Your mess? You face flat on the ground?

Do you think this will stop Me 

From giving you a crown?

Have you forgot already

What I told you before?

That mountains might be shaking

But I won't let you go.

If you forgot, remember!

And get back on your feet.

And understand this, daughter

WE DO NOT KNOW DEFEAT!

"Never leave you nor forsake you...though the mountains may fall or the hills be removed." (Hebrews 13:5, Isaiah 54:10)

Learning the art of mending

“It’s the broken that become masters at mending”

                                               Author Unknown

“Why are You breaking me?” I asked You

“Why are You causing so much pain?

Can’t You see all I do is crying

Tears running even through my veins?

They told me You will make me happy

And bring me life and give me joy

Instead all that I do is fall here

And feel like I’m somebody’s toy.

Is it You that is playing

And messing up my days?

I thought You were my Sun

But I can’t see Your rays.

Can You get me out of here?

Can You make the pain stop?

You need to understand it

That if You don’t I’ll drop!

“You won’t”, I hear You answer

“I hold you with my hand

And since you’re so demanding

Yes, this pain will soon end.

I didn’t mean to hurt you

It’s hurting Me as well

And if you’re trapped in tears

I’m in your watery cell.

I didn’t mean to break you

And wish there was a way

Another way to bring you,

from night time into day.

But once you make this journey

In spite of pain and tears

You’ll know then to show others

how to escape from fears.

I know you’re angry now

And sad and so upset

But trust Me and keep going

Cuz’ we’re not there yet.

And if you do I promise

To always make you stand

And no matter what’s coming

To hold on to your hand.

You’ll be an overcomer

And take others with you

You’ll tell them they can make it

And then prove that is true.”

“The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.” Isaiah 50:4, NIV

In my wilderness

In my wilderness

It was in my wilderness that He came to me

That’s where I discovered my God

He did not set bushes on fire

He just showed me that I can always be found

It was in my wilderness that He touched me

And His touch is tattooed on my heart

Always there imprinted forever

To remind me we can’t be apart

It was in my wilderness that He found me

Bound up in a ball of misery and pain

He kissed my forehead and whispered

“You will never be the same again”

It was in my wilderness that He spoke to me

It was there that we had our first date

In the desert I saw He was real

And His presence I could no more negate

It was in my wilderness that He held me

In the desert He watered my soul

Under scorning sun He promised me forever

That He’ll pick me up whenever I’m falling and then always make me stand tall.

"Don't enemy, crow over me. I am down, but I am not out. I'm sitting in the dark right now, but God is my light...He is on my side and is going to get me out of this.He'll turn on the lights and show me His ways. I'll see the whole picture and know how right He is. And my enemy will see it, too and be discredited- yes, disgraced! This enemy who kept taunting, "So where is this God of yours?" Micah 7:8-10 a, The Message 

These dry bones

There is a small voice inside me

That gently whispers "You'll be alright.

No need to fear. You're not alone here.

Even when you're too weak to fight.

Although it's empty and dry here

And you keep falling on these stones

I measure every step you're taking

And see that you're but skin and bones.

Look at Me daughter, and understand it.

That I will never let you go.

I know it's you who brought you here

But it is I who'll make you grow.

And whilst you're lying there shaking

From all the drought and all the pain

I'll tell you once again:

Remember, that these dry bones will live again.

"I have chosen you and I have not turned against you. So, don't worry for I am with you. Don't be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and I will help you. I will support you with my right hand that saves you...I am the Lord your God. I am holding your right hand. And I tell you. "Don't be afraid. I will help you." Isaiah 41:10, 13

"This is what the Lord God says to the bones: I will cause breath to enter you. Then you will live. I will put muscles on you. I will put flesh on you. I will cover you with skin. Then I will put breath in you, and you will live. Then you will know that I am the Lord." Ezekiel 37:5

"I will not send anyone to attack you. And you will defeat those who do attack you. So no weapon that is used against you will defeat you. You will show that those who speak against you are wrong. These are the good things that my servants receive. Their victory comes from Me, says the Lord." Isaiah 54:15, 17

A somewhat unusual couple

"Promises had been made and exchanged- he to serve the Lord all the days of his life, and God never to forsake Him." Child of Promise, Kathleen Morgan

"Never leave you nor forsake you...though the mountains may fall and the hills be removed..." Hebrews 13:5, Isaiah 54:10

I got baptised 12 years ago. For those who do not understand the concept, you stand in front of witnesses and generally wear white as a symbol of your fresh new start and you make a promise to follow the Lord for the rest of your life in front of those witnesses. Then as yet another symbol of your new beginning you are emerged completely in water and when you come out you're a new creature, the things of old are gone.

When I got baptised it was the beginning of spring and I was wearing what once used to be the wedding dress of a sister from the church. Long, white and simple. They all came that day to witness my wedding with God. I, the one who once completely turned my back on Him and refused to have anything to do with Him, I was making vows involving the rest of my life. I was so happy and proud.

Still, I had little idea what was in fact happening on that day.

I started writing and keeping what I call my "Road signs" in 2003, a year later. If one were to read them they will soon notice a very familiar pattern emerging again and again and again...

Me, focusing with all my might on my vows- to follow and serve the Lord all the days of life and most often than not failing miserably.
Him, telling me and showing me in a million ways- "never leave you nor forsake you though the mountains may fall and the hills be removed."
Me, not understanding and not hearing Him or thinking He meant something else.
Him, patiently repeating it again and again and again...

I am married to a foreigner and half of the ones I love come from a different culture, traditions, way of thinking and most importantly a different language. But I made vows to my foreigner.
It dawned on me today that it is the same with God and I. We are from different worlds. He speaks another language and sees things differently than I do but we made vows involving eternity.
I had so little idea what was really happening on that day. It was a day of celebration. It all seemed to be about me- my choice, my joy, my white dress, my vows.
I realised today that this carried on for years to follow and was the source of much pain and doubt- my failures, my mistakes, my apparent inability to follow and serve. And I forgot something major. A wedding day is not just about the bride, her joy or her white dress. It is about the bride and the groom and their vows.

I was so focused on my vows that I forgot about His. And our vows are the strength of everything God and I are as a couple.

 My vows say I will follow and serve and I break them so often that I stopped counting. If we are to make it back home we all have to stop counting at some point. Apostle Paul said "I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes." 1 Corinthians 4:3-5

So I am not counting anymore. I declare it a futile, useless, self-defeating habit for two reasons. Firstly, when I do it my perspective is limited again to my vows and my failure to keep them. The whole thing is once again all about me and my bridezilla moment.
Secondly, it is not only I who made vows on that day. God made vows to me. And who knows maybe at the end of it all, if I stay married to Him, He will judge us as a couple. He will not only judge my failures, my mistakes and my apparent inability to follow but He will also judge His commitment to never ever leave me, His commitment to make me stand until the end no matter what.

We are from different worlds and many times we speak a different language. But if I learnt something from being married to a foreigner is that this can be a great blessing rather than a hindrance.
I can tell God about all the pain and the joys of being human and He can show me in a million ways the beauty and the sheer perfection of His world.

I lost faith many times that this marriage will work but something happened to me today. For the first time I remembered our vows rather than my vows. I think God and I will make it as a couple:-)

The Journey

"A year from now, you will wish you had started today"

"It simply can't be done

You'll never make it through

Others have tried and failed

What makes you think you won't fail too?"

I heard these things so often...

Believed them every time

Just crawled back in my corner

And then refused to climb

Days, weeks and months would pass me

My mountain still in sight

I knew if I could just get there...

...but simply lacked the might

I just did not belong here

The mountain was my home

Why just give up because they say so?

What if they were all wrong?

I knew this place so well now

The pain and the defeat...

"But whose keeping me here?

Why not stand up on my feet?

Why not move just a little?

Take just another step

What's the worst that can happen?

Who are they to hold me back?"

One step after another

A day, a week, a month, a year

One step and then another

And now the mountain seemed so near.

Their voices simply faded

Or maybe I blocked them out

Right now it didn't matter

I simply had to mount

. A day, a week, a month, a year

The time has just flown by

I'd never thought I'll get here

That I will reach so high.

They said I couldn't do it.

They said I won't get through.

They said my name was Failure

And fail is what I'll do.

But You knew better, Father

And gave me another name.

And just because You loved me

I'll never be the same.

"Then you will have a new name. The Lord Himself will give you that new name." (Isaiah 62:2)

"I will change your name. You will no longer be called wounded, outcast, lonely or afraid. I will change your name. Your new name shall be Confidence, Joyfulness, Overcoming one, Faithfulness, Friend of God, The one who seeks My Face."

Good days and bad days

Bad things are happening all around me and I have people asking me why are You allowing this?

Why are bad terrible things happening to good faithful people?

I don’t know what to tell them. I am not Your lawyer , I don’t need to justify You. You are the Rock, Your works are perfect and all your ways are just, a faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just You are. (Deuteronomy 32:4, paraphrase). Why would I justify and defend Your works if they are perfect? Who am I to say Your ways are not just? I won’t try to explain and justify Your works as if I would be slightly ashamed of You, just because I do not understand. They hurt, I hurt... but when they ask me where You are when there's hurt the only answer I have is- in the middle of it holding me.

I thought about these things today and a verse from Ecclesiastes 7:14 came to my mind “On a good day enjoy yourself, on a bad day examine your conscience. God arranges for both kinds of days so that we won’t take anything for granted.” (The Message)

So, thank You for my good days and my bad days. My good days remind me how blessed I am. My bad days remind me that I am not alone and that I can always hide my nose in your chest whilst You hold me. Help me not to take either one of these days for granted.

Your daughter.