Lessons from whitewashed walls...

Nothing is wasted, everything is a lesson learnt even if it is a lesson on how not to be ever again.- Emma's journal

"It is because they lead my people the wrong way by saying, "Peace!" when there is no peace. When the people build a weak wall, the prophets cover it with whitewash to make it look strong...I will tear down the wall on which you put whitewash. I will level it to the ground so that people will see the wall's foundation. And when the wall falls, you will be destroyed under it. Then you will know that I am the Lord." Ezekiel 13:10, 14

I am reading the book of Ezekiel these days. It is not a very popular book with many, because they see it as doom and gloom. But I believe it is grossly misunderstood. I love the way God's personality transpires through His words. I see how when He feels something that one emotion doesn't actually control everything. I discover mercy and and love, even though He's angry and hurt. I love the way He's described in His glory even though I struggle to imagine how I can snuggle fire and light. I love His justice, His goodness, the way He uses anything to communicate no matter how ludicrous it might appear, all in the hope "maybe they will listen..." He's really angry with Israel but still I feel a longing after them that makes me cry and I can't explain it even if I would try really hard...

Whilst reading the verses above, I found myself remembering all the ideas and sermons I heard throughout these ten years. Things I really believed in because I trusted the people who said them to me. The way I put my faith in what I heard and how crushed I was and angry with God when they didn't prove to be true...

Ideas such as God punished Job for being afraid and that is why all those terrible things happened to him (he would offer sacrifices after his children's parties "just in case" they sinned against God- Job 1:5) The person who preached this went through a lot of effort to add large quantities of whitewash on the idea by "supporting" it with verses out of context, so to me it appeared like a strong wall. It did however fall to the ground when I realised I was living in fear of being afraid. I had such a twisted image of God because of this idea, simply because it made Him appear like God- The Punisher, sitting somewhere ready to strike at the first glance of fear in my heart. All of the sudden verses that started with "Do not be afraid..." became to me the threats of an angry General instead of the comforting words of a Father. But I am grateful to Abba, for exposing the "foundation of that wall" in spite of all the hurt it caused me, because this made me see how He truly is.

Or ideas such as "the prosperity theory". Reduced to its basics this theory sounds something like this- you give X amount of money and God gives you back more. I am absolutely not saying that is you bless someone, God will not bless you back in return. What I am saying is that "God's bank" does not run solely on a monetary system. God might own "the cattle on a thousand hills" (Psalm 50:10) but what if He chooses to give me a sheep instead? Believe it or not sometimes you will give money and God will give you back a good word from someone when you need it the most, or a verse in the Bible you could honestly say you never saw last time you read that chapter, and that verse will become a treasure to your heart that will support you when you're about to fall. I remember people would turn around to me and tell me things such as "Believe for that amount, do not limit God (as if a human can ever do that). You gave, so God will give you back." In other words "Don't worry, love, He owes you one." So I would focus so much on the amount that I would fail to see the blessings He was actually pouring over my life.
Again, I am not saying if you're in need of money God will not help you. I wrote a posting on this blog on how I ended up with a cheque through the door exactly when I needed it, and this happened more times than I can remember ever since I was a little girl. Even though I grew up in a Christian family, I didn't always follow God. When I was a little girl in communism we didn't always have plenty of food. We were four brothers growing up and I remember once my mum gathered all of us and asked us to pray because we didn't have any more bread. We were praying and someone rang at the door. When my mum answered there was this gentleman with a very large plastic bag. He said his boss who was the manager of a bakery sent the bag to my mum to thank her for something my mum helped her with. When my mum opened the bag it was full of bread, and a variety of other wonderful mouthwatering things. My mum asked God for bread and He sent us a bag full of wonders. I was never able to forget that moment in all of my years of "rebellion". He knows exactly when we need something and He's never late. I guess what I am trying to say is more often than not the "prosperity theory" manages to distract God's children from His beautiful Face to His giving Hand. And not just any type of giving, but giving on our term.
I am not against money at all, I just want to remember that from all of Abba's blessings, money are not the most important and precious one, simply because I can't take them with me when I leave this place.

There are many other ideas I once believed and they proved to be whitewash. I don't believe my faith in these ideas was a negative experience even though many times it proved to be a painful experience. I have learnt many important lessons. Such as, if my heart is sincere, even if the idea or theory is wrong, God in His faithfulness will expose the foundation and make me grow. Because of this, I don't feel threatened by challenging things I hear, or things I don't initially agree with. I give them a fair chance, because I have the freedom to ask questions in order to make decisions I alone have to answer for. One of my most important lessons was question everything you ever hear or see. Go to the original translation, read the whole chapter, verify the historical context, ask God to open your eyes and your mind and only after adopt what you've just heard or seen , if it's still standing up as a theory.
We live in a day and age when ignorance has no excuse. Blaming the preacher for convincing you to believe something is a bit pathetic in my view, considering all the tools at your disposal if you want to know the truth.

I am grateful for the sermons and ideas that caused crisis in my life. In spite of the pain and confusion I felt back then, at the end of every dark tunnel I found myself in Abba's arms and I discovered amazed that as long as my heart is humble and sincere before Him, I simply can't get lost.

God's lawyer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Where is God when I'm hurting?"

She looks at me and asks

I try to give an answer

But sounds fake as a mask

I want to tell her, Aba

That You're there in her pain

Instead I just keep quiet...

An answer seems in vain.

She's not the first to ask me.
There were others before
I tried then to "defend" You...
They seemed to hate You more.

So I keep quiet, Aba
Because I understand
That when a heart does want You,
Will not seek You in vain.

And when she'll want to see You
She will not need me then
To point in Your direction.
Her heart will know the way

I asked the very question
She's asking me just now
I wanted all the answers
The where, the why, the how...

I wanted You to tell me
To justify Yourself
The justify my anger,
and pain and brokenness

But then I saw You, Aba
I saw the price You paid
I saw my loving Father,
Who did come to my aid.

How could I tell her, Aba
The pain You felt through time
To see us all so broken,
So lost from the Divine?

The pain You felt through ages
The pain You feel right now
To hear another broken
Asking the where, why, how..?

Who else could understand her
But You in all Your pain?
Still, if I try to tell her
To her is just the same.

So, I'll keep quiet, Aba
Today I won't defend
I'll just sit here praying
Let her pain have and end.

And when that end is coming
May it have as result
A way back to You, Aba
The Dad, that she forgot.

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born," says the Lord." (Isaiah 66:9)

Be careful when you're judging...

"Don't judge others, or you will be judged. You will be judged in the same way that you judge others, and the amount you give to others will be given to you." Matthew 7:1-2

Lately I am thinking a lot about judgement- God's judgement, others judging me, me judging others...What is a judgement?

"An opinion formed by judging something, the cognitive process of reaching a decision or drawing conclusions, the act of judging or assessing a person or situation or event..."All these are definitions I found, but there's more to it. Those who believe Jesus's death was for their sake and accept His sacrifice, receive grace= something they do not diserve. But as I've come to learn, it is precisely the recepients of this grace who turn out to be often amongst the most "ungracious".

Deliorious have a song called "Find me in the river" and the lyrics go something like this: "We've longed to see the roses/But never felt the thorns/And bought our pretty crowns/But never paid the price" We did not pay the price for the mercy we've been shown, but still somehow we seem to think we are entitled to put prices on everyone else's mistakes.

I heard so often how we should not tolerate sin and I agree, we shouldn't. But sin is an act, and quite often we fail to see that it doesn't wear the face of the person we're judging.

There is only one person I can judge in this world and that is myself. Paul said "But if we judged ourselves in the right way, God would not judge us. But when the Lord judges us, he disciplines us so that we will not be destroyed along with the world. " (1 Corinthians 11:31-32)
By judging myself, I don't understand putting myself down or showing false modesty. I uderstand forming an opinion about myself by judging the way I think, act and speak. I uderstand analysing my ways and acknowledging when I'm in the wrong. I uderstand making decisions about my life and correcting what needs to be corrected. Why? So that I do not put Abba in a situation where He has to take action Himself.

This morning I found out something else about judgement. I learnt that it is personal. It is between me and my God. He is my Judge. Yes, I know about all the examples when the church came together and judged someone and has taken action against that person. But I see that as the final step, one that they would have to take if I would repeatedly refuse to judge myself and do something about it. As far as I am concerned, that is the only instance when someone, church included, has the right to issue judgements against an individual. In rest it is between the individual and God. One clear example is the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11)

Did the woman sin? Yes. She did what was against the Law of God. And men decided to judge her accordingly. When they brought her to Jesus though, He made them all see how it feels when you're on the other side, waiting for your verdict "Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." Then the most beautiful scene takes place "Those who heard Jesus began to leave one by one, first the older men and then the others. Jesus was left there alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus raised up again and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one judged you guilty? "She answered, "No one, sir." Then Jesus said, "I also don't judge you guilty. You may go now, but don't sin anymore."

I once read "What matters is what God says about you after everyone else has stopped talking." Judgement and forgiveness in the Kingdom of God is something personal- between me and my God. He chooses whether He judges of forgives because He is the only one who has the authority to do so. That woman was dragged before all the people on that day and she knew she was to be judged and killed. But her judgement turned out to be something else- "Jesus was left there alone with the woman" and He decided He won't judge but give another chance.

So next time you are tempted to judge at least give that person the chance to be alone with their God, because you don't know whether God will agree with you or not. Judging yourself is wisdom. Judging others is pride because you are basically telling God you are absolutely positive you are strong enough never to end up in that place, and the truth is neither one of us is that strong...

A few weeks ago I was joyfully singing whilst cleaning "He's got my whole heart in His hands, He's got my whole heart in His hand..." And then I stopped because I uderstood, I do not have the right to judge anybody until I "hold their whole heart in my hands." God is the only one who is Big enough and Wise enough to hold one's whole heart in His hands. And you never know what He sees. Perhaps the heart you are so busy issuing judgements against, insteead of judging He will decide to kiss...

Decisions, Decisions...

"This Book (The Bible) is not just a theory or a religion, it's about me. It is my story. Written by people who believed with the same desperate faith that beckons me to believe today. I never want to change or believe anything else, no matter how much hate or pain would come my way. Because if I change then my story would change also and this Book would become a fairytale...Those who wrote the book that I follow, died believing in the peace that would change the world, without seeing the world changed. But thousands of years later the peace that they talked about, changed my world and now it is up to me to take my Rabbi's teaching further and allow His peace to change at least another man's world." Bat Melech

She is so right! Once again today, I realised that I get so easily distracted. This world manages to convince me so easily that it is so terribly difficult and I need a break. Sadly I had to admit to myself today that it is easier to look at the Bible and say it is David's or Moses's story than to say it is mine and assume the responsibility of the next chapter...

When you're about to fall

"So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:12-13

They're calling me again, dear Abba
I hear again their call
There's part of me who wants to answer
And part who wants You more...

I try to make myself remember
The price I had to pay.
Last time they called to me so sweetly
And I did not obey.

But I'm still standing here, Abba
I'm flirting with the thought
And last time's pain and consequences
I seem to have forgot.

So hear Your daughter's prayer, dear Abba
And You be strong in me
I don't want to end up back there...
She's not who I'm meant to be.

I'm owner of my own decisions
You wanted it that way
But I don't own the future,
Or the price I'll have to pay.

Help me choose wisely, Abba
And once again ignore.
No matter what they tell me.
Help me reject their call.

Abba's decree- "Tov"

I want to thank everybody who gave me feedback on my last posting. I am grateful for all of you who encouraged me the way you did. When you take the first step in something new it is always quite frightening as we all know:-) I thank God for surrounding me with people who care and who see beauty in me even when I don't deserve it.

I wrote a few more "poems", I thought I'll stick to the riming because anything else seems way to adventurous for me at the moment, but who knows perhaps Abba will want to develop this in me if it brings Him pleasure. If you read other postings of mine on this blog you already know that my greatest passion is writing. I remember one day at work they gave us a group building exercise with a number of questions. We had to keep changing the partner and answer any question they asked us from the list in order to get to know each other better. I'll never forget the raised eyebrows when one after another they asked me "So, if you could build a house on a desert island what would it be made of?" "Books, " would come my reply, "loads of books. Shelter and entertainment into one." As long as I have books and something to scribble on I'm happy. I see myself growing in this, so I'll assume this is God's gift for me. I'll share with you what I write, and if sometimes it won't make sense, or it won't be that good, give me grace. I'm growing in this... Anyway, enough rambling.

Today, I'll post a poem called "Tov- Good and Beautiful". Tov, is a Hebrew word and it means good as far as I know. But I welcome further opinions because Hebrew is not a language I speak though it is the most beautiful language I've heard. I will dedicate this poem to three very special friends of mine: Simona, Lisa and Hanna. Girls, I know we talk a lot about what it means to be beautiful, who is and who is not (I shall not go any further.LOL), but as far as I am concern you three are beautiful on the inside and out and I pray Abba will help you see that everyday, in spite of all life might throw at you. I love you so much, and I am so grateful you are in my life. Here's you poem, girls. xxx

Tov- Good and Beautiful

"God looked at everything He had made, and it was very good." Genesis 1:31

When Abba made me, He said "Tov"
And "Tov" I'm meant to be
He looked at me in all His glory
Then smiled so lovingly...
Goodness and Beauty He then named me
That was Abba's decree!

So you can try to crush me here
And shatter all my dreams
The more you're kicking I'll stay stronger
Won't let you get to me.
And when you tempt me,
I'll remember that smile so lovingly...
And in my ears will ring stronger again
Abba's decree- "Tov!"