With Him through light and darkness

"Listen to me, descendants of Jacob,all you who remain in Israel. I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime—until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you." (Isaiah 46:3-4, NLT)

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now officially 30. My mother-in-law wrote on my card "As you may know a lady never gets any older than 30!" Amin to that. So if I reached my maximum age, as always it's time to look back at my road signs.
The life I have right now... if someone would have come 10 years ago and described it to me, I would have had a hysterical fit. I simply could not picture this. I was 20 and wild and my mum thought if I would carry on the way I was, I would actually not reach 30. At 21 I turned my face to God and I acknowledged Him for what He is. He stopped being my mother's and my grandmother's God, He stopped being that entity that apparently gave me life when I didn't ask to be here, He stopped being that angry old man who blesses some and punishes others. He became my God, my Aba (Daddy), my Lord, and He stood by me ever since, through light and darkness, good and bad times. When people look at me I seem to be walking alone, but I never am. There's no Emma without God. I am not ashamed to admit, I need Him to exist. He's more than my crutch in this life, without Him I am on a self-destructive race and I always win.
I am 30 now. I have gone through some very hard few weeks (I hope they were not the so very predictable mid-life crisis, because I honestly don't feel more than 25). Whatever it is I am going through, though, He is so very present, so much part of me, that I have to write about Him even on my birthday:-)

This is a poem I discovered in 2003. I don't know the author, but what he/she wrote describes perfectly my relationship with God through all these years:

"In my moments of fear
Through every pain and every tear
There is a God who remained faithful to me.

When my strength is gone
And there's no song left in my heart
In love, He remains faithful to me.

Every word He promised is true
I see God doing what I thought impossible
He remained faithful, faithful to me.

When I look back, I see His love and mercy
And though I have questions in my heart and sometimes I doubt
He remains faithful to me.

When my heart was far away
In the days when I could not pray anymore
My God still remained faithful to me.

In the days I spent for myself
Chasing what pleased me
Even then God remained faithful to me.

He waits for me with open arms
Everytime I turn my face towards Him
And I get to discover one more time
The God that remained faithful to me."

Toda rabah, Adonai sheli.

Your Emma.