"Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom." (Isaiah 40:27-28)"Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him.." (Psalm 37:5-7)
It always annoyed me when I saw people praising God only when everything goes well. I read my friend, Cella's blog this morning, and she was writing about the way Romanians think they are punished by God because of the flooding that covers Romania right now. Funny how we only see God when things go bad... I am quiet for days now, because some days I am scarred that if I'll say something I'll shatter into pieces, other days I've got nothing to say...I just keep quiet. But today I realised that even though pain is something normal, something all of us go through and even though I know this is only for a season, that I won't be broken for the rest of my days, or feel like I don't understand anything, if I keep quiet, my silence says my God is only worthy of praise when everything goes well and all things make sense. The fact that I can't see Him doesn't take away the fact that He is still Beautiful, Kind, Gentle, Merciful, Loving... Just because I stretch my hand and I only feel air, doesn't mean that He's not holding me. It just means I can't see. I just means I analyse my world through my feelings and my feelings are influenced by my circumstances. He is the same God I wrote about in May and June, my Love, my Yeshua.
"What are you doing, Adonai? I don't understand? Can't You see what's going on in my life?"
"Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"?
"Because I can't feel You, and I don't know what's going on."
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom."
"OK. But what do you want me to do? I am breaking here!"
"Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him...Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him.."
My greatest fear in this world is that something will happen to me, something so terrible that I'll become one of the "disappointed with God", that I'll break so badly that I won't even allow Him to put me back together. I read about so many of "the disappointed", that I know it's something real. I am not naive. We make promises to God "I will never leave You", but how many can say at the end of their lives "I never left you, Adonai"...
Ever since I walk with Him this has always been my hope "When I can't anymore, He can. It's not only up to me to make this relationship work." "Lord, what if I get lost?" "Don't be afraid, if you get lost, I will come after you."
I hate pain. All I want to do is run from it. But here I stay put and wait for my God. I don't like God's waiting room, but from here where I am, if someone would decide to ask me again:"So, Emma, can you God still be trusted?", my answer remains the same "With everything I've got."
I want to thank my friend, Ioana, for this amazing song. This is for all the broken hearted. I want to believe it's all for a reason :-)
Emma,
ReplyDeletemie mi-a zis sa ma opresc ca prea eram la cros. Nu-mi place sa ma opresc, sa analizez, sa vad ce e bun si ce nu e, sa imi fac autocritica pentru ca de regula e distructiva in mine ....
La fel ca tine, ma tem sa nu Il dezamagesc, sa nu fac cine stie ce prostie ... insa stii ce am invatat recent? Sa nu mai merg ca pe ace. Pe El nu Il ia nimic prin surprindere, nici cea mai mare prostie care as face-o ...
Teama asta de a nu face prostii, ma duce la stress si imi fura bucuria ce o am in El ...
Ai dreptate, Cella. Autocritica si analiza sunt foarte dureroase. Si eu obisnuiam sa le privesc ca pe ceva distructiv, poate inca mai sunt distructive intr-un anumit sens. Cred ca distrug in mine, iluzii deformate despre Dumenezeu si forme fara substanta. Stii tu, chestii pe care le-ai auzit toata viata ta in biserica si le-ai luat de bune. Bucuria e absolut esentiala in umblarea cu Dumnezeu, pentru ca e un fel de benzina pentru motor, dar cred ca sunt momente in care inveti lectii, iti pui intrebari si iti permiti sa ai indoieli in dorinta de a descoperii mai mult din El. Nu mai mi-e frica de lipsa de bucurie, mi-e frica sa nu raman la fel si sa ajung sa cred ca sunt bine. Nu mi-e frica ca eu l-as dezamagii pe El (pentru ca inainte de a ma alege, a decis deja ca nu e dezamagit:-), mi-e frica ca eu as devenii "dezamagita de Dumnezeu", si crede-ma Cella ca bisericile sunt pline de ei, fratii mei dezamagiti, care n-ar indrazni niciodata sa-si deschida gura si sa vocifereze ce simt.
ReplyDeleteDe acord cu tine ... stiu o gramada ce ma intreaba cum de gandesti asa despre Dumnezeu? realizezi ca Il ispitesti? ... Sunt intrebacioasa, am miliarde de intrebari ... la unele nu primesc raspuns, la unele da insa in toata framantarea mea de a-L cunoaste mai bine am inteles ca ma bucur daca sunt cu El. Stie ce pui de lele sunt, stie El bine cu cine are de-a face ... si ma iubeste si ma numeste Fiica Lui si eu incep sa simt dragostea asta, incep sa ma bucur de El, sa fiu cu El, sa ii pun intrebari ...
ReplyDeleteCella, sti ce ma face pe mine sa rad? Le spunem oamenilor "Trebuie sa ai o relatie personala cu Isus Hristos" Amin, dar cum sa am o relatie cu cineva daca nu pot sa-i pun intrebari, sau sa fiu eu insami cu persoana aceea? De ce credem ca El e altfel? E o Persoana sau nu e? De unde, Doamne ai mila de noi, a aparut prostia asta cu Il ispitesti pe Dumnezeu daca intrebi sau te indoiesti? Dumnezeu nu e nesigur si n-are probleme cu imaginea de sine. Lui ii plac cautatorii, de aceea a zis "Ma vei cauta si Ma vei gasi, daca ma vei cauta cu toata inima". Nu stiu cum cauta altii, dar eu imi pun intrebari, ma framant, analizez...dar odata ce am inteles ceva, lucrul ala ramane pentru mine, nu ma intereseaza cine ar sta in fata mea sa ma contrazica. Pentru mine, cele mai scumpe momente cu Adonai, sunt acelea in care desi nu ar trebui sa-mi dea nici o explicatie, vine si-mi arata si-mi lumineaza ochii. Nu-mi trebuie sa inteleg dogme, insa daca cineva imi spune sa fac ceva, vreau sa stiu ce zice Cuvantul Lui. Intreaba-te, Cella, cat de multe si ignora-i pe ofensati, daca nu stim ce urmam cum, Doamne, o sa stam in picioare?
ReplyDelete