I started reading Philip Yancey's "Reaching for the invisible God". I love Philip Yancey's books. I have not read one of them which did not challenge me or changed my perspective on things. He dares to ask questions and address issues in our walk with God, that sometimes make me think "You can't ask that/say that", but there wasn't one of his books I read which did not make me a more determined child of God. Books like "Where is God when it hurts?" or "Disappointment with God" made me understand that when I hurt God is right there in my pain, and that He is not to blame for everything that goes wrong on a fallen planet on which we have free will, that at the end of the day if anyone is entitled to feel disappointed that would be Him, not me. Still He doesn't seem to be...but carries on calling me His own.
This book I'm reading is asking a basic question-How do you have a relationship with someone you can't see or touch? In every relationship you enter, you know what to expect from that person, what can you expect to find when you reach for God? I started reading it because I heard so many things about God throughout my life, that last year I decided to drop it all and start from scratch. Something like: "Good morning, dear God. My name is Emma, and I would really like to know YOU." So I am analysing everything I was ever told, everything I ever heard preached or I read myself, because I understood that this walk and whether I make it to the end victorious has a lot to do with what I believe about God. My trust in Him will be heavily affected by what I believe, and if I don't trust Him, I can't approach Him.
Bat Melech always tells me that the wisdom of a man shows not in how much he knows but in the questions he asks. It is my responsibility to ask questions and seek, because at the end I will not be able to blame my pastor or Philip Yancey, for that matter, for any of my decisions. One of the questions that transpires from the book is- why do we find it so hard at times to trust God, even though we love Him? Perhaps, it has a lot to do with all the times we've been told from the pulpit or we read for ourselves: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28), but then we saw time and time again, that they don't- we still had to go through pain, illness, broken hearts... The actual Greek translation is: " In everything that happens, God works for good with those who love Him." And I noticed this to be true everytime. Because even though I did not go only through good things, I always felt Him near and there was always this assurance in me, that somehow He will bring me through. And so far He did, blessed be His faithfulness. Why is it so important to ask ourselves the right questions in our relationship with God? I think it is vital, because that way you avoid placing on God expectations which have got nothing to do with His nature. For example "God, please change this or that persons heart." He will never do that, simply because that would mean Him interfering with that persons free will. If He would do that, He would make sure you will love Him with all you've got and never sin again. But He's not in the business of creating robots. So expectations like that are wrong from start. However, you see it not happening and it makes you doubt. You end up piling doubt on top of doubt and you end up disappointed and turning your back on God, because He doesn't do what you expected Him to do. And it all started with you having a wrong opinion of Him, asking the wrong questions and persisting in it.
One of the questions we all ask when going through hard times is- why? "Why do I go through this?", "Why is God allowing this?", "Why doesn't He make it stop?" Job persisted in this question for chapters, wanting desperately to hang on to God, but at the same time wanting an answer. Yancey says: "If the book of Job teaches one lesson, especially in God's speech at the end, it is that human beings have no business, let alone competence, in trying to figure out all the intricacies of why things happen. Instead God challenges Job to do better...Divine providence is a mystery that only God understands, and belongs to what I have called "The Encyclopedia of Theological Ignorance" for a simple reason: no time-bound human, living on a rebellious planet, blind to the realities of the unseen world, has the ability to comprehend such answers- God's reply to Job in a nutshell."
So if you ask "Why", it is quite likely you will not find an answer. My question is how many unanswered "whys" can you handle before you go down the doubt and disappointment route? Yancey comments on the story of the blind man from birth, in John 9. The disciples when seeing the man, immediately ask the natural question-why? Who sinned to bring on this punishment, the blind man or his parents? Jesus answers: "Neither this man, nor his parents sinned, but this happen so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." What Jesus does is change their focus from "why" to another question "To what end?" The answer to this question always gave me strength to face anything, because it makes me feel like I belong to something far greater than what I can see. The conclusion I am always left with is: "I might not get it now, but I will one day. So I'm not about to change my mind about God just because I don't get it. I am not giving up, I'll carry on." To what end? I don't know. Does it matter more than what I have with God? Absolutely not. I am in a relationship with Him, it might sound like a strange concept in some people's ears, but I think God respects my intelligence enough to share something with me, if He things I can carry it. But what use would be some information to me, if I would not be able to get it anyway? What I need to know, I will know, everything else He can keep hold of, because He's God not me.
Bat Melech wrote an amazing article today which gave me a lot of food for thought. She wrote about carrying burdens on the day of Shabbat. I am aware some people celebrate the Shabbat on Sunday, and I have no problem with that. I personally celebrate it Saturday, but I think it's got a lot more to do with the way you are on the inside on that day rather than the day in itself.
Bat Melech was referring to Jeremiah 17:21-23 and Numbers 15:32-36: "This is what the LORD says: Be careful not to carry a load on the Sabbath day or bring it through the gates of Jerusalem. Do not bring a load out of your houses or do any work on the Sabbath, but keep the Sabbath day holy, as I commanded your forefathers. Yet they did not listen or pay attention; they were stiff-necked and would not listen or respond to discipline." Bat Melech wrote: "If it is forbidden to carry physical burdens on the day of Shabbat, it must certainly be forbidden to carry burdens in your soul...if you go through a difficult period in your life which probably exhausted you from every point of view, on the day of Shabbat, you should no longer think about it or talk to others about it. You should not get that burden out of your house, nor give it to someone else to carry it on your behalf. I personally don't think the phrase "give your burden to Adonai" works either, because not even Adonai carries burdens on the day of Shabbat. ActuallyAdonai never carries burdens, He only carries you. I know we have the tendency to believe that the more we think about a problem we will find a solution, but this hardly ever works, even less on the Shabbat day. This day was created by Adonai, so that he could enjoy you, the way that you truly are, unmarked by worries, unmarked by frustrations and unfulfilments, thoughts and fears. Only you, the one created for His glory."
I think what she wrote made me think so much, because lately I allowed the things I am going through to turn the Shabbat into a bit of a routine. I used to think on the Shabbat is like you would go on a date with Adonai. You fellowship with Him all through the week, but on the Shabbat it's your special day. Lately however, it turned into a day when I don't work and spend some time with Him in the morning so that I don't starve on that day. I want to change that. It's hard to make a conscious decision to smile and enjoy something when you are sad inside, but when I thought about this in the morning the last verse from Psalm 23 came into my mind and I remember something I understood at the beginning of this year. In the Romanian version of the Bible the verse translates: "Happiness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord until the end of my days." I understood that just as fear and worry and sadness, happiness is also a feeling. If I make a mistake or I fall, I immediately believe in Adonai's mercy for my sin. I ask for forgiveness (choose His mercy) and then move on. I have to believe His mercy is there within my grasp in order to reach for it. Therefore, I thought to myself: "I can't believe only half of this verse. If David said happiness and mercy will follow me, and Adonai agreed with Him, then in the same way I choose mercy rather than guilt when I sin, I have to choose happiness and joy instead of worry and fear."
I will admit is hard work, and many times I don't succeed, but if there is one day when I should make an effort is on the day of Shabbat. Adonai worked for six days, but on the seventh He decided to rest. Teo was saying in a commentary to Bat Melech's article, that Adonai did not rest because He was tired, but because He wanted to create in us (teach us) a state of mind and of being on the inside of us, in a day of celebration. If you wish, the Shabbat should be the culmination of our relation with Him through a week: "I suffered a lot this week, Adonai, but today I will remember you are mine and I am Yours and there will be a day when you will wipe every tear from my eyes" or "I was so lonely this week, Yeshua, but today, I will remember that you came and shared Your Father with me, so that I may never be called fatherless and orphaned again."
I know it's in our instinct to throw ourselves on Him when things get tough, to hold on tight and keep crying there until we feel better, but on the Shabbat day, lets just lift up our heads and give Him a smile. If all through a week we hid our noses on His chest trying to find refuge and strength so that we may carry on, perhaps today we grab His hand and "go for a walk" and thank Him for creating a world where He wanted to enjoy our company.
Shabbat Shalom, everyone and todarabah Bat Melech for this amazing food you fed me today:-)
"Listen to me, descendants of Jacob,all you who remain in Israel. I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime—until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you." (Isaiah 46:3-4, NLT) Yesterday was my birthday. I am now officially 30. My mother-in-law wrote on my card "As you may know a lady never gets any older than 30!" Amin to that. So if I reached my maximum age, as always it's time to look back at my road signs. The life I have right now... if someone would have come 10 years ago and described it to me, I would have had a hysterical fit. I simply could not picture this. I was 20 and wild and my mum thought if I would carry on the way I was, I would actually not reach 30. At 21 I turned my face to God and I acknowledged Him for what He is. He stopped being my mother's and my grandmother's God, He stopped being that entity that apparently gave me life when I didn't ask to be here, He stopped being that angry old man who blesses some and punishes others. He became my God, my Aba (Daddy), my Lord, and He stood by me ever since, through light and darkness, good and bad times. When people look at me I seem to be walking alone, but I never am. There's no Emma without God. I am not ashamed to admit, I need Him to exist. He's more than my crutch in this life, without Him I am on a self-destructive race and I always win. I am 30 now. I have gone through some very hard few weeks (I hope they were not the so very predictable mid-life crisis, because I honestly don't feel more than 25). Whatever it is I am going through, though, He is so very present, so much part of me, that I have to write about Him even on my birthday:-)
This is a poem I discovered in 2003. I don't know the author, but what he/she wrote describes perfectly my relationship with God through all these years:
"In my moments of fear Through every pain and every tear There is a God who remained faithful to me.
When my strength is gone And there's no song left in my heart In love, He remains faithful to me.
Every word He promised is true I see God doing what I thought impossible He remained faithful, faithful to me.
When I look back, I see His love and mercy And though I have questions in my heart and sometimes I doubt He remains faithful to me.
When my heart was far away In the days when I could not pray anymore My God still remained faithful to me.
In the days I spent for myself Chasing what pleased me Even then God remained faithful to me.
He waits for me with open arms Everytime I turn my face towards Him And I get to discover one more time The God that remained faithful to me."
My hand will sustain her; surely my arm will strengthen her. No enemy will subject her to tribute; no wicked man will oppress her. I will crush her foes before her and strike down her adversaries. My faithful love will be with her, and through my name her horn will be exalted.I will set her hand over the sea, her right hand over the rivers. She will call out to me, 'You are my Father, my God, the Rock my Savior." (Psalm 89:21-26, paraphrased)
Yesterday, my niece Lydia got married to Phil. What an amazing day! I had two revelations. First one was that I absolutely detest public speaking, and if I can help it, I'll never do it again. Secondly, I realised my Father is proud of me. Trust me, this is not easy to say.
I did not have a good relationship with my dad. He is a good hearted man, but I could not count on him, I could not have in depth heart to heart conversations with him, ask for guidance or protection. For this reason I had to learn from an early age to become "creative" and fend for myself. The hardest lesson I had to learn in my relationship with God, The Father, was to trust He will not leave me when I need Him the most. I was convinced He will, and many times I honestly pushed the boundaries of our relationship intentionally thinking to myself "How about now? Will you leave me now?" Well, if I thought I am stubborn, God invented the term. I think once He makes up His mind He loves you, you're "stuck" with Him for life. Someone very dear to my heart once told me, she woke up one morning with a massive hangover, and told God "Why can't you just leave me alone to have some fun and enjoy myself like everybody else?" She heard a voice inside herself "Because once a little girl asked me "God, would you like to be my father?" This person told me she completely forgot what she told God when she was a child, but on that morning at the age of 18, she remembered everything perfectly.
How did I get to my second revelation yesterday? It was during the father of the bride's speech. My brother-in-law, Robin, has an amazing relationship with his daughter. Countless times I found myself observing them and telling God "See, Abba, that's what I wanted with my dad". Yesterday, he was telling Lydia how much he loves her, how she was such an amazing daughter to him, never gave him grieve as a father, that she is an inspiring Christian and she makes him so proud to have had her (on a personal note, Lydia is all that:-) All through the speech, I was sitting next to my husband thinking "Oh, how I wish my father would have said that about me" or that I would have looked at him with the same adoration my niece was looking at her dad. Later on when I wasn't thinking about it anymore, I felt the warmth and love around me again and in my heart it was like a whisper "I am proud of you" Why would He be proud? He knows I am not the constantly faithful inspiring Christian my niece is. Why would He say that? And then I remembered something I wrote at the back of my Bible a few years ago when I was going through a stage of trying to prove myself to God and in a way earn His approval: "Emma, the fact that you choose to love Me without ever seeing Me, is the greatest proof of love I will ever need from you." That's why I make Him proud. I choose to love without seeing and touching. I choose to follow without understanding where I'm going. I choose to believe even when I don't get what I want. And that's why you make Him proud as well.
Bat Melech, may Adonai bless her life, keeps saying: "Don't be surprised people fall and abandon God, be surprised when they stand firm." Bible says there is a cloud of witnesses watching us (Hebrews 12:1), there are angels watching us, God is watching us, and they all see every single time one of us chooses to love without seeing, follow without understanding, believe without getting what we want. The Bible says there is joy in heaven when a person turns to God. I believe that's not the only time there is joy in heaven. I believe they rejoice every time we choose to love without seeing, follow without understanding, believe without getting what we want. Because this is so unnatural to us, that it proves the validity of His sacrifice. He sees the fruit of His sacrifice and He is satisfied (Isaiah 53:11a) That's when we make Him proud.
"Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom." (Isaiah 40:27-28)
"Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him.." (Psalm 37:5-7)
It always annoyed me when I saw people praising God only when everything goes well. I read my friend, Cella's blog this morning, and she was writing about the way Romanians think they are punished by God because of the flooding that covers Romania right now. Funny how we only see God when things go bad... I am quiet for days now, because some days I am scarred that if I'll say something I'll shatter into pieces, other days I've got nothing to say...I just keep quiet. But today I realised that even though pain is something normal, something all of us go through and even though I know this is only for a season, that I won't be broken for the rest of my days, or feel like I don't understand anything, if I keep quiet, my silence says my God is only worthy of praise when everything goes well and all things make sense. The fact that I can't see Him doesn't take away the fact that He is still Beautiful, Kind, Gentle, Merciful, Loving... Just because I stretch my hand and I only feel air, doesn't mean that He's not holding me. It just means I can't see. I just means I analyse my world through my feelings and my feelings are influenced by my circumstances. He is the same God I wrote about in May and June, my Love, my Yeshua.
"What are you doing, Adonai? I don't understand? Can't You see what's going on in my life?" "Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"? "Because I can't feel You, and I don't know what's going on." "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom." "OK. But what do you want me to do? I am breaking here!" "Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him...Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him.."
My greatest fear in this world is that something will happen to me, something so terrible that I'll become one of the "disappointed with God", that I'll break so badly that I won't even allow Him to put me back together. I read about so many of "the disappointed", that I know it's something real. I am not naive. We make promises to God "I will never leave You", but how many can say at the end of their lives "I never left you, Adonai"... Ever since I walk with Him this has always been my hope "When I can't anymore, He can. It's not only up to me to make this relationship work." "Lord, what if I get lost?" "Don't be afraid, if you get lost, I will come after you."
I hate pain. All I want to do is run from it. But here I stay put and wait for my God. I don't like God's waiting room, but from here where I am, if someone would decide to ask me again:"So, Emma, can you God still be trusted?", my answer remains the same "With everything I've got."
I want to thank my friend, Ioana, for this amazing song. This is for all the broken hearted. I want to believe it's all for a reason :-)
I started reading Philip Yancey's "Reaching for the invisible God". I love Philip Yancey's books. I have not read one of them which did not challenge me or changed my perspective on things. He dares to ask questions and address issues in our walk with God, that sometimes make me think "You can't ask that/say that", but there wasn't one of his books I read which did not make me a more determined child of God. Books like "Where is God when it hurts?" or "Disappointment with God" made me understand that when I hurt God is right there in my pain, and that He is not to blame for everything that goes wrong on a fallen planet on which we have free will, that at the end of the day if anyone is entitled to feel disappointed that would be Him, not me. Still He doesn't seem to be...but carries on calling me His own.
