I know...

I will forever cry for You

And won't stop till You come

I know I'm Yours and You are mine

I know where I come from.

I know the warmth of Your embrace

The softness in Your voice

The caring hand that picks me up

And shows me that I have a choice

I know the justice in Your eyes

When evil thinks it got its way

I know You are a Warrior King

I know that there will come a day

I know You always have a plan

You're always in control

I know You're Power and You're Light

And You breathe Life in every soul.

I know I trust You with my life

That's why I gave it all to You

I know You love me with Your life

Somehow, I think I always knew.

Your Emma

May I never lose my wonder

"May I never lose my wonder. May I never lose my wonder. Wide eyed and mystified, may I be just like a child, staring at the beauty of my King." Bethel, "Wonder"

"God, be merciful to me because You are Loving. Because, You are always ready to be Merciful, wipe out all my wrongs. Wash away all my guilt and make me clean again." Psalm 51:1-2

"Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6

"God, You will not reject a heart that is broken and sorry for its sin." Psalm 51:17

"Create in me a pure heart, God. Make my spirit right again." Psalm 51:10

Today is my non-working day and I just finished watching "David and Bathsheba", a movie is from 1951 with Gregory Peck and Susan Hayward and I am crying....

The film is really good. It might sound surprising to some, since I am a convinced romantic, but I do not like old movies because I cannot identify with them and to be frank I find them a bit cheesy. But this movie got to me. It portraits King David at the peak of his royal glory, yet feeling a bit lost and longing for the boy he once was. What got to me the most, was the end of the movie, after his first child with Bathsheba dies and he is confronted by prophet Nathan about his sin. Nathan tells David what his punishment will be and (in the movie) he also tells David that Bathsheba will have to be judged according to the law (be stoned to death for adultery). David tries every argument to save her and in the end he turns around to Nathan and says: "If God is as you say He is, let Him speak for Himself" and then at the risk of losing his life, he goes before God and The Ark of The Covenant.

It was well known that if there was any sin or uncleanliness in you, you would drop dead before The Ark, but David risked it anyway. The first thing he tells God is "God of my youth..." He acknowledges his sin and exposes his heart before God completely bare: "Don't look at me as I am now. Look at the boy I once was before You. Kill this David and let that boy live again." And then he places both his hands on The Ark, in an ultimate act of trust in God's mercy. The hands dirtied by the blood of Uriah, Bathsheba's killed husband. The hands that touched another man's wife... those hands, David stretches forward and touches God, the only way he can. In the movie, there is a thunder and a lightning and God takes him back and lets him see the boy David again- full of trust and light and brave. Then all stops and David not only lives, but he stands before The Ark with wonder in his eyes. A storm begins and David gets out of the tent. Prophet Nathan tells him:" No one can profess to know God completely, but today He showed us another glimpse of His face." David goes straight to Bathsheba, grabs her hands and takes her out in the cleansing rain.

Throughout everything I described above I was sobbing with tears running down my face. Why? Because I know that feeling so well, when the guilt and the pain of separation from Him, makes you drag yourself before Him and crush down there. You are acutely aware of what you deserve, of what He is entitled to do to you. And still, you remember "because You are Loving...", "Because You are always ready to be Merciful...", "Surely, goodness and mercy..."

All week I listened to a song from Bethel called "Wonder". It is meant to be a congregational prayer "May we never lose our wonder. May we never lose our wonder. Wide eyed and mystified, may we be just like a child staring at the beauty of our King." All week I considered and pondered the beauty and the innocence of a child's soul- the perfect trust, the goodness, the light, the joy. Why? Because, that is the yearning of my heart. I want to have the heart of a child before God- open and trusting and full of wonder. And there is nothing that I've experienced to be more wonderful, than God's mercy.

You think you know Him, right? You think you know what His decision will be. You know what you deserve...and still something pushes you forward before Him "because He is Loving", "because He is always ready to be Merciful..." and "Surely, goodness and mercy..."

And time and again you stand up afterwards and instead of judgement and punishment, you get goodness and mercy, because He "never rejects a heart that is broken and sorry for its sin."

"May I never lose my wonder..."

I hate it when I sin, mainly because 99% of the time I know what I am doing. That is what sickens me the most, that I could choose good and holiness and I choose something else instead. I compared it once with receiving a beautiful white dress and with the first occasion trashing it in the pig stall...
I used to lay there in the mire, paralysed by guilt and numb with longing until He would remind me again that "He is Loving...always ready to be Merciful" and "Surely, goodness and mercy..."
And time and again, after dragging my dirt before Him, goodness and mercy is what I always received.

People will tell you many things about God. You might even be "fortunate" enough to have people come and point to your sin. Or even worse, you might end up having your sin exposed before the whole world. You might then end up feeling bare, naked, guilty, humiliated and worthy of whatever judgement is about to come your way. But let me tell you something that I learnt from David and from making the trip to the pig stall many many times. People are more eager to judge and less merciful than God will ever be. So if you ever end up in such a place, silence the voices of the accusers, as right as they might be about your sin, and somehow drag yourself before God, the God of your youth, the Loving and Merciful God because He "never rejects a heart that is broken and sorry for its sin." Therein lies the wonder of it all. That He could give you judgement and He chooses to give you goodness and mercy instead.

"May I never lose my wonder..."

May I never take any of this for granted, or ignore His Loving, Merciful way with me. May I never dare to forget...

"Wide eyed and mystified, may I be just like a child staring at the beauty of my King."

I'll always be your Friend

I Am The One who holds you

And will never let go

You think the world is shaking

But I am still in control.

Because darkness is growing,

You're worried you can't see

But darkness is just another way 

For you to learn and walk with Me

Ignore the noise and babble

And all the lies they say

They dream they will defeat you

But I have made this way.

Remember that I warned you

These days and times will come

So let me hold you, sweet child

And stop feeling so numb.

We'll walk this road together

Until the very end

No matter what you're hearing

I'll always be your Friend.

And when your heart is broken

And you feel blind and weak

Always always remember

What matters is what I speak!

Fighting the good fight

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21

It's black, so black around me

This darkness makes me cold

I'm feeling my way onwards

But find nothing to hold.

There's evil, pure evil around me

Which tries to scare my soul

It's making loads of noises

And pushing me to fall.

I am quiet, quiet within me

I know the noise is fake

He's always been a liar

Always will be a snake

There's trust, trust in my spirit

That You will not let go

In spite of lies and noises

I still know what I know!

I'm smiling, smiling dear Father

Through noises, cold and lies

They think blackness will blind me

But You're light to my eyes.

I'll follow, follow my way onwards

And fight them till the end

I'll fight evil with goodness

And that is how I'll stand.

Jews call it "Tikkun Olam"= repairing/healing the world. Christians call it "Fighting the good fight and showing grace". I call it NOT LIVING IN VAIN.

Don't judge a girl by her T-shirt

“Whoever comes to me I will never drive away.” John 6:37

“Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you.” John 8:10-11

Yesterday I was talking to a friend on the bus. He complimented me on my outfit and we started talking about the differences in dressing styles between English and Romanians. On how Romanians love to look their best all the time and almost always will wear their best clothes in public whilst English are a lot more relaxed in their dressing style. He proceeded to tell me about this one time he went to Oradea (a city on the Romanian border with Hungary), and whilst on the tram he noticed a girl all done up, looking extremely serious and wearing a T-shirt which said “I am beautiful”.

My friend commented on how this girl was only trying to attract attention with her outward appearance. When I heard him, I got a bit flared up. I told him quite passionately that he has no way of knowing what was behind that made up face and the T-shirt with the bold logo.

I once read somewhere that Hurt wears Prada and Depression drives a Ferrari. Just because someone looks all put together and appear to have money does not mean that they have it all together.

A few years ago I worked as a volunteer in a Pro-Life clinic. We had a whole spectrum of ladies coming to the clinic, most of them just because they wanted to have a chat with someone. I learnt a good lesson whilst working there. Many of these ladies looked very elegant and put together when they walked through the door and sometimes I felt intimidated by them. That was until we would start to talk. In many instances it would be the elegant ladies, those who seemed to have it all figured out, that I would end up giving a hug to after they had a good cry. I learnt then not to judge by good looks the same way I know I should not judge beggars just because they look rough.

Looks mean nothing when your heart is broken and many times it is the best looks that hide the worst pain. People use looks like a mask. Some of them use elegance and expensive clothes to hide insecurity, pain and abuse.

And something else, just because a girl’s dressing style is “bold” does not mean that she is. Look behind the mask and I assure you more often than not you will find lack of self-esteem, pain and just a basic desire to be loved for who she is. Why do they dress like that? Because confidence is attractive, fear and pain are not. So, please don’t judge a girl by her T-shirt.

                                                                                       Emanuela

God is good all the time. Or is He?

These days, I seem to come across desperate souls everywhere I turn. Yesterday, they found the bodies of three Israeli kids who were kidnapped and shot by the terrorist organisation, Hamas. I prayed for days that they will return home safe. They never will...

A Romanian friend of mine, who is away from home, wrote on her Facebook wall yesterday “PLEASEEEE GOOODDD DON’T TAKE MY MUM!” She posted today that her mum is out of surgery and stable.

I went through a whole scale of human emotions yesterday varying from sadness and helplessness to anger and fury and culminating with confidence and faith. What you will read below is my muddy way of finding my own answers.

I ended up writing on my Facebook wall “I don't know why God chooses to answer some prayers and not others. I don't know why the mother of Gilad Shalit got to hold her son again and the mothers of these boys never will. But one thing I know, God does not stop being good just because this world is mad and evil”

We want to be independent and have the freedom to choose but we are not so willing to take responsibility for our choices. When things go wrong, we are not to be blamed, God is, because He is All Powerful and He should have stopped that. Pain and suffering pushes humans to unfairness and when we blame God, we are first and foremost unfair to Him.

But He is Almighty, right? So if He is Almighty than He is also to be blamed for everything.

I’ve seen people yesterday blaming God for what not and I got angry. Not because I never blamed God in my life for anything, quite the opposite, He was to blame for everything wrong in my life, including the fact that I was alive “since I haven’t asked to be born.” Yesterday, I got angry because I tried for one second to understand how I would feel if I got the blame for everything going wrong in this world.

 The mother of one of the boys killed, said two days before she found out her son was dead “God does not owe me anything.”  What a thing to say when you don’t know if your son is still alive and you pray with all your heart for him to be. Throughout these 18 days, the mothers of these boys taught me nothing else but dignity, faith, trust and what it means to know your God when disaster strikes. They were beautiful to me as only a trusting Jewish soul knows how to be.

God does not owe us anything at the best of times. He most certainly does not owe us anything if we decide to go our way and completely dismiss Him from our society. If He is not good enough to be followed He should not be the target practice for our blame game either. Luckily for us, He is not easily offended hence we’re still here.

Why am I writing all this? Because, I noticed a similar trend among Christians, whereby He is to be blamed rather than trusted. We pray and put all our faith in our prayer and then when things don’t happen, He is to be blamed. ”I mean I invested time and energy and faith and there’s no result, God. Where’s my answer?” I don’t know if this is the best question. Perhaps a better question would be-what is the point in getting an answer to whatever we ask for, if we miss the only thing that truly matters in our relationship with Him, and that is the confidence that "“the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100:5

Defeat is not an option

Haunted by my own poor choices

I am crashing on the ground

I don't know how to fix this

Or to restore my calm

I've stopped counting the reasons

I'm on my face again

I had enough of "what if's"

They will not fix the pain...

I'm sorry, dear Father

So sorry for my mess

I wish that I could fix it

Rather than just confess

But I can't fix my problems

Or change all that I've done

I can just sit here waiting

And hope that You're not gone

"Gone where?", I hear You asking

"Where would you have Me go?

I told you I'll never leave you

And I will make you grow.

What do you think will stop Me?

Your mess? You face flat on the ground?

Do you think this will stop Me 

From giving you a crown?

Have you forgot already

What I told you before?

That mountains might be shaking

But I won't let you go.

If you forgot, remember!

And get back on your feet.

And understand this, daughter

WE DO NOT KNOW DEFEAT!

"Never leave you nor forsake you...though the mountains may fall or the hills be removed." (Hebrews 13:5, Isaiah 54:10)