A personal testimony- You will spread out

' For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left, and your offspring will possess the nations and will people the desolate cities.' Isaiah 54:3

'For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left...' A few years ago, this would have been one of those verses I would pass really quick thinking "This is not for me".
But you know what, looking back at my life before Jesus became my King and after that, ever since I met Him all I seem to be doing is spreading to the point that I literally spread abroad.

I was almost 21 when I finally accepted that I can't fight God anymore. It was 16 June 2001, a beautiful hot sunny Romanian day. I stopped seeing Him as the One to blame for all that was difficult and painful in my life. He literally melted me with His love to the point that I was a blabbering mess for about a month and no one in my family knew what was going on with me. I ran so hard from Him, I was so determined to prove that my mother and my grandmother were wrong and He was not real, that I began the fastest self-destructive race you can imagine. All under the banner "I don't care. You only live once." 

When I met Jesus for who He really was not who I imagined Him to be, I went to my poor mother who cried endless nights for me and told her that I loved Jesus and I will not run from Him anymore. My mum was in such a complete denial and shock that she did not believe me at first. You see, when crying for me, my mum always thought that the way I was going, I would never reach to be 30. Until one day she came home from a women's conference where she met the lady who through her honesty and love showed me who Jesus really was. The lady, Ani Lucaciu, told my mum that she was really blessed by my faith. My mum came home to me sobbing and she hugged me as one does a child they haven't seen in years. 

From the day I met Him, all He did was prove to me that I can't dream as much as He can do. I decided to stop taking a break from my life and apply to the Babes-Bolyai University (the equivalent of Cambridge or Oxford in UK). I mean if I really put Him to the test why not do it in big style. And then I thought I would go even further. My family was poor. I did not have 1 Leu (Romanian currency) to my name so I decided to apply for a scholarship or not go at all. The Romanian Government granted 25 full scholarships for approximately 500 students in my year. When I went to register my name for the entry exam, they asked me if I wanted, just to be on the safe side, to also add my name to the list where I would have to pay for my studies because I would have a better chance to get in. I told them "No, I want a scholarship." They smiled at me as if I was dreaming. I had good A levels, but not good enough to guarantee me a place. I went to the entry exam. They gave us an A4 piece of paper with a lot of information containing numbers, historical dates, colour combinations and loads of other stuff. They told us we have 15 minutes to read the information and then decide for ourselves what we want to do with it. I am appalling at Maths because I do not know what to do with numbers. They mean nothing to me and I am not able to retain them. So, because I did not know what else to do, I wrote all the numbers, all the colour combinations and all the historical dates on a piece of paper so I would not embarrass myself by being the first one to get out of the hall.

15 minutes later they took the paper away from us and gave us another one. They also told us "Congratulations, to any of you who decided to write things down. In this exam you get to keep any aiding material you have because what we care about is your initiative and ability to think on your feet." The new paper they gave us contained a lot of doted spaces which you had to complete with the information from the first piece of paper. From the 25 scholarships, I got the scholarship number 22 and I got in.

I already told you how He got me to England in a blog from September 2012 http://emanuelajourney.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/a-personal-testimony.html

When I came to England in 2005, I left a job as a manager in Romania where I had the same salary as my mother who had been an accountant for 23 years. 

I got here and nobody wanted to give me a job. Many of them back then didn't even know where Romania was and they were not interested in my studies or experience or skills for that matter. After almost a year I ended up pealing potatoes in a fish and chips shop. My boss was a 17 years old Pakistani boy, who could not speak English very well and was constantly telling me I don't know how to peel potatoes. Yay me!

I still call that year "Humble yourself under God's mighty hand for at the right time He will  lift you up." And He did. First I got a job where I was chasing invoices in Italy. They hired me out of a bunch of other people and paid me almost double my salary from the fish and chips shop, because I was the only one who applied who could speak Italian. This job brought me to the attention of an agency who recommended me to the organisation where I work now. They didn't even meet me. They just offered me a job on the spot in 2007. I worked for them ever since. 

These are just a few of the examples I wanted to give you because this blog is already too long. The Bible says In Ephesians 3:21  "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than ALL we ask or imagine..." He certainly can. I am not going to sit here and type happily that I never thought that He abandoned me, or that I didn't think at times "I don't have a clue what He's doing". But I never ever thought that God let me down. I left my country with two suitcases, waving goodbye to my mother and my grandmother. It was the first time I ever got out of Romania. I was scared witless but I knew that somehow, I don't know how, somehow He will never let me down. You see, once I had Jesus in my life, I felt so loved and cared for that everything else was just a bonus, so I had nothing left to lose.

I told you all of the above, because He called us to be His witnesses and I can only be a witness to my own life. But what I can tell you with all my heart is that if you hold on to Him for dear life, even when you don't understand or when things shout at you that He forgot you, you better be ready to spread out because you cannot dream as much as He can for one who trusts in Him.

Who are you?

"Enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out; do not hold back; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes." Isaiah 54:2

One's tent used to be their home. What is a home? The definition according to dictionary is place of residence, accommodation, property, a roof over one's head. The definition seems to depict some palpable evidence of a person's place of safety. Something that belongs to you and where you are comfortable.

The second verse from Isaiah 54 talks about a number of actions which could be summed up by another expression commonly used in the Bible- "enlarge your territory" I invite you if you wish to have a read of all the instances and circumstances in which this expression is used. To me however the most memorable instance of all is the story of Jabez. We love this story mainly because of Jabez's famous prayer and we most definitely love that prayer because of how it ends "And God granted his request." But before we get to that, I invite you to have a closer look at this story, because as with everything else that has to do with God, things go deeper and the essence is in the details.

Who was Jabez? The Bible talks about him in 1 Chronicles 4. You go along nicely reading the genealogy of the tribe of Judah, and all of the sudden, at verse 9 it stops and states: "Jabez was more honourable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez (Pain in Hebrew) saying, "I gave birth to him in pain". Jabez cried out to the God of Israel saying, "Oh, that You would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain. And God granted his request."

That's it. Then the verses simply pick up from verse 11 and continue the genealogy of Judah. No mention of who was the father of Jabez, nor who was the son of Jabez. That is very unusual because normally genealogies tell who was the son of who and you can clearly see a chronology. Who was this man, that God literally "interrupts" the genealogy of Judah to mention him. Why did Jabez leave such a mark on God's heart?

When I look close at this story, to me it speaks about God's relationship with a man in two verses. God was so touched by this man that he interrupted a whole genealogy to mention him and to let us know that he listened to Jabez, because Jabez went to him in trust and asked. He trusted above what others said about him. He trusted above the name that others gave him. In Judaism names are very important. They're not just names given to you because they sound nice. To Jews your name is your destiny, your identity, something that your parents desire you to become. His mother called him "Pain" but Jabez refused to accept that destiny and he went to the God of Israel for a new name.

Ok, so what is the essence here? The essence is one word "Identity". If your mother had called you "Pain" and you had to contemplate the rest of your existence being called and associated with pain, what do you think your identity would be? How would you describe yourself? Would it be "I am the one who causes pain"?

Do you know what I love about Jabez more than even his faith and his prayer?

This man got it- The only way you will enlarge your territory and step out, higher and wider is if you know your identity. But what is even more amazing about this man is that he understood that his identity was in God. And that is the only identity that matters.

So what is enlarging your territory? To me it means stepping out where you didn't dare to go before. And after trying and failing, at times quite miserably, for 14 years I believe that the only way to do that in a life altering, never be the same way, is by understanding who God is to you and who you are because of Him.

Forget what others told you, who cares how you described yourself in the past, so what if they called you pain. Who are you now? What is He to you? Answer these two questions and good luck to anyone trying to stand in your way after that.

"Sing, o barren one..."

"Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married, says the LORD." Isaiah 54:1

Isaiah 54 is my favourite chapter in the whole Bible and God used it so many times to speak to me in the past that I stopped counting. I decided to start a Bible study on this chapter. As always any Bible study I undertake is purely because I want to learn something new about my God. Knowledge which is not focused on Him is useless to me. I love to learn but to me it has to be with a purpose or else I feel like I am wasting my time.

Anyway, I went to Isaiah 54:1 and as soon as I read the first verse I though about Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist (Luke 1). And then I thought about Hannah, the mother of the prophet Samuel (1 Samuel 1).

I'll start with Hannah. She was the wife of Elkanah and her husband loved her but she could not have children. The Bible says that "the Lord closed her womb". Elkanah had a second wife, Peninnah who was able to have children. Peninnah used to mock Hannah to the point that Hannah would weap bitterly and refuse to eat. She would often go the House of God and beg for a child desperatly. In fact she would be so desperate that one day the priest Eli saw her and he thought she was drunk. But Hannah was not drunk, she was desperate. In the end, the Lord made justice for Hannah and she had a boy. You would think after begging for a child for so long, and a boy nonetheless, Hannah would not have left Samuel out of her sight. But by the time, Hannah had the child she came to know the God who listen to hear pleas and gave her justice. So she does something no one would have thought possible. She gives her son to the Lord in ultimate sacrifice and surrender:

"And she said, Oh, my lord! As you live, my lord, I am the woman who was standing here in your presence, praying to the LORD. For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him.Therefore I have lent him to the LORD. As long as he lives, he is lent to the LORD. And he worshiped the LORD there." 1 Samuel 1:26-28

Fast forward to another barren one named Elizabeth. She was the wife of Zechariah and her husband was a priest in God's House. The Bible says that they were both righteous people but Elizabeth was barren and advanced in years. We all know the story of how the angel Gabriel shows himself to Zechariah in the Temple and tells him that he will have a son and he should name him John. Elizabeth becomes pregnant in spite of her years, just as the angel of the Lord said and it is beautiful to see what Elizabeth says about God "Thus the Lord has done for me in the days when he looked on me, to take away my reproach among people." She basically calls Him, 'the God who gives me justice". Many other blessings follow justice in Elizabeth's live. Soon after she is visited by Mary, her cousin who is carrying the Lord. Elizabeth is filled with the Holy Spirit and blesses Mary for what the Lord did for her. From the priest's barren wife, in a matter of months Elizabeth carries a prophet in her belly and becomes partaker in God's plan. She becomes part of the God's inner circle, if you wish.

Why did I focus of the story of these two women? And what can we learn about God from their stories?

"Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married, says the LORD." Isaiah 54:1

Were you ever in a place where you were longing for a dream to come to pass? The type of longing that would make you feel a physical emptiness inside you? Have you ever tried to kill a dream within you, because the pain of keeping it alive is too much to bear and somehow, it refuses to go away? You end up praying to God "Please if this is just me, please make it go away. I don't want this anymore. Please take it away, if You will not make it come to pass." And nothing, as if you just spoke to a wall. Are people around you telling you politely to drop it, because you kind of sound obssesed or even worse are they laughing and gossiping about you? How many times do you think Hannah and Elizabeth begged for their children? Why do you think the Bible says about Hannah that the Lord closed her womb? Why am I asking all these questions?...

Because I want you to grasp something with me. Just as with everything else in our walk as children of God, it is not about the dream, it is about who you become whilst you pursue it. My sister wrote once in one of her blogs, '"He wants me to cerish the heart of the One who made the promise more than the promise itself...If in my mind His character changes just because I am exhausted from waiting, of what use would be to me the fulfilment of the promise?" 

Are you still "barren" waiting for your dream? Then "break forth singing and cry aloud". If you can't then perhaps you should look inside and make sure you did not become bitter and fed up from waiting. If by the time you receive your dream you can't act like Hannah or praise the Lord like Elizabeth and if you did not learn to cherish the heart of the One who promised that "all things work together for your good", then what is the point of you getting your dream?

But if you learn to cherish Him more than your dream. If you sing now because you believe that "the children of the desolate will be more than the children of the one who is married", then you might just find yourself at the end of it all the happy partaker to God's secret plans and able to recognise His presence even when hidden in a mother's womb. 

"Arise, for it is your task..."

"While Ezra prayed and made confession, weeping and casting himself down before the house of God, a very great assembly of men, women, and children, gathered to him out of Israel, for the people wept bitterly." Ezra 10:1

Ezra was in a bad place emotionally speaking. He was literally broken to the point that he no longer cared that everybody saw him weaping and letting himself fall on the floor in the house of God. He was the leader of the people but the imagine no longer mattered anymore. 

And then the people who were with him tell him "Arise, FOR IT IS YOUR TASK, and we are with you, be strong and do it." Ezra 10:4

It is the true, at times the only place we find our place is down on the floor. I spent so much time crying on my carpet both in Romania and here, that in both cases I can tell you the exact pattern on both carpets. But down there is not our place.

I don't know about you but I had enough of finding excuses in my emotions as to why I can't stand up and keep standing. We are children of a Kingom that knows no deafeat. Literally. When someone tells us "You are a prince or a princess of God's Kingdom", our chests puff up. We love the title. But as Spider Man told us, with a lot of power comes a lot of responsibility. I remember the exact moment in 2003, when I had another carpet episode and God told me "Do you believe I am All Powerful and in charge? Then get up. You can't be a princess in a Kingdom and a victim in another." 

He changed our names and gave us new ones. Instead of broken, we are overcoming ones, instead of wounded and orphans we are now joyfulness and friends of God. So, why I wonder are we walking around as if Jesus died and He forgot to rise up again?

There is a time to cry and a time to dance. When was the last time you danced just for the joy of it? If we are victorius then perhaps we should start acting as such. Have you ever seen a victorius army? Do you think there is anyone standing a breath, if they dare to face them? We are a victorious army. In Isaiah 53 it says that He will see the fruit of His suffering and rejoice.  I doubt Jesus is rejoicing when He keeps trying to make us stand and we prefer the carpet. I do not know one person who loves Jesus who would not want to make His heart rejoice. So if that is our desire as well, then lets listen to Him and "be of good cheer" because He overcame the world for us. He made us royalty. He loves us so much that He decided to share His Father with us.

Do you believe you are royalty and part of God's family? Yes. Then arise princes and princess, for it is your task, and we are with you, be strong and do it!

A personal testimony- Remember the promise

"Obsession" from Delirious came on my playlist this morning again and my heart jumped, as it pretty much always does when that song comes up. I turned around to Daniel and told him, "this is definitely my song". The song of my life, if you wish.

The music is epic. The lyrics describe my relationship with Him perfectly, but above all else this song makes me remember:-) I am once again single, peniless and guarding a church building outside of Cluj-Napoca, Romania. I am listening to this song on a CD player which is probably considered a piece of antique now:-) I have no plans, no prospects and no idea as to what my future will be. I feel lost, but somehow held very close. I start to cry and let myself fall to the ground next to the church wall. I can sob. I am alone here and no one but God can hear me. And I cry and cry and cry. Te music is really low but I hear an airplane and I look up. As the airplane passes over my head, I hear Him "One day, you will be on one of them and they will take you to England. I promise you."

You see, God made me many promises in those years, but that is the only time I strongly remember the words "I promise you". It made me feel not just, held and cared for but also special and as if I truly mattered enough for Him to come, listen to my sobs and then make me a promise. So "Obsession" became for me the song of the promise.

A few months after that moment in time, I was on an airplane taking me to England. There is a moment in the song where everything seems to explode. I fast forwarded my song to that moment, and while the plane was taking off I pressed play. It was one of the greatest moments of my life. One of those moments which you never ever forget with all the emotion and thoughts, how the weather was like, whether you were warm or cold...You just remember everything, as if you somohow captured that moment in a jar and are able to keep going back to it whenever you want...

Everytime, that song comes up on my playlist now, I look up to the sky and expect to see or hear an airplane. I don't always do. But this year, on my way to work on a cold foggy morning, I almost reached my building in downtown Birmingham and I didn't want to get in. The building felt like a cage and I felt trapped and bound to keep entering that building for the rest of my life. The song came up. The music was really loud again. I was downtown Birmingham, away from an airport, but through all the noise of the music and the clouds in the sky, I heard an airplane. At first, I thought I imagined it so I got my headphones out of my hears. And right at that moment the airplane which I did not see but clearly heard passed over my head.

All of the emotions from 12 years ago came over me. I felt cared for and held tight and above all else a thought remained with me- "Emma, do you realise He knows you so well and is so much in control of your life, that He knew exactly when you will feel this despair and knew exactly when to shuffle this song on your playlist and made a whole airplane full of people to take off at the exact moment so that His daughter will hear and remember that He remained the same God who brought her here. The same God who made a way back then and was very much able to make a way right now. He wanted His daughter to remember the three most uplifting words coming from Him besides "I love you". He wanted her to remember "I promise you".

Not a pannel of judges but a group of enthusiastic cheeres

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

It always used to make me uncomfortable when I read Hebrews 12:1 because of the "cloud of witnesses". I don't know about the rest but the thought of "a group of people" watching my every step and some of the shameful things I do and think, makes me want to run and hide.

But somehow, now I look at it differently. I don't think the poit of the "cloud of witnesses" was to intimidate us. They are not there like a judging pannel assessing every step we take. They are there to cheer us on. Think about it, if Jesus cheers you on and wants you to be victorious, do you think anyone else in His peresnce could ever judge you when they see how much He loves you?  I think the witnesses are mentioned like a reminder, because immediately after, the author of Hebrews talks about some very clear and at times diffictult actions we must take.

The witnesses are mentioned to remind us of our Father's Kingdom towards which we are running. They are mentioned to keep our heads up and our eyes forward- "Hey, consider all those who went before you, they are witnesses that it can be done and it is not just One now, there's a cloud of them." So, throw off everything that hinders you, be that discouragement or fear or intimidation and stay away from evil because it is an easy trap. Run everyday, run at a steady secure pace in trust that the One who is with you is the One who established your route in the first place.

You are part of a Kigdom and you are making your way back to that Kigdom and although you don't see it with your human eyes, you prove your faith in it by the fact that you keep running towards it everyday. That is the expression of your faith in action. You persevere everyday towards that Kigdom, come rain or shine, whether you feel cheered on or not, because it is not about the weather and it is not about the popularity and it's not even about you. It is all about seeing your Beloved's face and putting your hand on His heart. That is all that matters, so keep going!

What failure? Fear of what?

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign grace will be my guide

My feet may fail when fear surrounds me

But You never fail and you won't start now." (Oceans", Hillsong United)

They said I couldn't do it

They said I won't get through

They said my name was Failure

And fail is what I'll do.

But You know better, Father.

And gave me another name

And just because You love me

I'll never be the same.
 ("The Journey", my poem wrote on 1 February 2014)

  

 I read yesterday that the word challenge in English literally means "false accusation". That means that what I view as a challenge is simply NOT THE TRUTH.

This, changes the way you look at what you perceive to be difficulties and the way you view failure. I am not afraid of failure anymore because I finally identified the root that feeds it- other people's opinion about me. Fear of what, if that which stands against me and my goal is not even real? Thoughts have power to hurt me only if I allow them in my head. They might visit, but they're not allowed to become residents. Thoughts don't have the power to hurt me if they are concocted in other people's heads. I can't control what someone chooses to believe about me. All I can do is keep going which I will always do.

I can't begin to describe how liberating this is. You have your own journey to make. Your journey is about experiences and memories and lessons learnt. And let me tell you that the best lessons of my life happened after I few buckets of tears or what I perceived to be a knife in my chest. Most of them happened because I failed. Do you know what turned them from bad memories into lessons? The fact that I did not give up no matter what was shouted at me.

At times I was judged and people chose to see only my bad traits (which I have because thankfully I am not perfect yet). At times harsh or critical words were spoken to me. It hurt, but I took on board those that I deserved and carried on. At no point did I allow others view of me to defined me. People had impact in my life, but people did not make me. God made me.

If you no longer try to control what other people think about you, or shape yourself into what they want you to become you are not afraid to step out. You are not afraid to take a step, even if it turns out to be a wrong one. You are no longer afraid to make mistakes because all of the sudden mistakes are no longer buckets of tears or knifes in your heart. They are just an experience which hopefully will turn into a positive lesson. Mistakes are not failures if you don't view them through other people's judging eyes. Mistakes are just mistakes. And here's a thought for you, perhaps others are so eager to point at your mistakes because they can't handle doing what you do- facing yours and viewing them as they are- experiences.

What you perceive to be a challenge is just an opportunity. Take your steps and have your journey. Those who judge and shake their heads will never spend a minute in your heart and mind. God does and He will always cheer you on.