Sunday 28 July 2013

I know who I must be


When faced with the decision
I looked the other way
I knew what it will cost me
The price I'll have to pay.

My mind replays those seconds 
Between the "yes" or "no"
I try to justify it
And to explain my fall.

But I'm just wasting seconds
Same way I wasted those
When I should've known better
Than landing on my nose...

Still, now that I am here
I do not wish to stay
So once again I'm calling
And dream of what You'll say.

And in my dreams, sweet Jesus
You tell me to get up
That You know all my weakness
And that You saw the trap.

I see you coming closer
Bringing Your light with You.
You kiss my head, and gently
You tell me I'll get through.

You tell me that I'm stronger 
Than I think I can be
And even when I'm falling
That girl still remains me.

I see You coming closer 
And dusting off my clothes 
You smile, and then You tell me
"I'll chase away the wolves"

I dream of all this, Jesus
Afraid I will wake up
And realize in panic
I am still just as trapped.

But then I turn and see You
You sit there next to me.
And when I see You smiling
I get up to my feet.

It should not be this easy
It is not fair on You
But when I see You smiling
I know what I must do.

When I was but a sinner
Who detested You Way
You always stood beside
Through every single day.

If that is how You loved me
When I hated You so
I now choose to believe You
I just know that I know!

And now, I'm the one smiling
While You smile back at me
And though the wolves are howling
I know who I must be.

"When you feel alone and scared doubting that I am still with you, close your
eyes and say it out loud: ‘While I was yet a sinner, Christ died for me and He
was with me, how much more is He with me now?’ Can you do that for me
Sara?”
“Yes, my Lord!” Sara cried and Yeshua smiled.
“Can you repeat that for me?”
“Yes… Yes my Lord… While I was yet a sinner, Christ died for me and He
was with me, how much more is He with me now?”" The King's daughter, by Cristina Pop


Tuesday 2 July 2013

DEPRESSION AND OVERSPIRITUALISING vs. CHOOSING A GOOD ATTITUDE



“When each day is the same as the next, it’s because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises.” 
Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

One of these days I will hopefully come up with a simple topic to write about. The trouble is when “simple” pops into my mind, I don’t feel like writing.  First allow me to define my terms.

 In my opinion depression is the sickness of the soul. It is dragging your feet day in and day out through your own life, with sadness and tiredness as you companions, and not remembering the last time something made you smile.

Overspiritualising is the thinking process and mental attitude by which you deliver Bible verses and Christian concepts to anything and anyone, without even understanding what they mean or having had applied them at any stage of your life in a practical way. It is providing standard phrases you heard from the pulpit without having spent 5 minutes of your time questioning them, checking your Bible about them or trying to see what their application is in your life. It ultimately is an attitude of striking back to anything that makes you uncomfortable by using Bible verses, without stopping for one second to assess whether the other party has anything good to say, or something you could learn from. Been there done that.

Choosing a good attitude? Well that is a school I am still attending and in what follows I will describe how I decided to enrol in this school and one of my most important lessons.

In an era when our lives revolve around Facebook and Youtube, we keep coming across more and more videos, pictures and quotes about being positive, successful, re-inventing ourselves, being happy, content and joyful. Some people might find these concepts “new agey” (allow me the copyright of this word) and run a thousand miles. I personally find the majority of them useful and inspiring. And after twelve years and a bit of reading the Bible and searching, I came to understand that in their essence all these life concepts are very much found in the Bible as well. The only MAJOR difference is that the “new agey” stuff focuses on the human element as being the source and the strength in this lifestyle, and we believe it is God who prompts us into action and sustains us along the way in our decisions.

I once heard Joyce Meyer say “I can’t stand to be around miserable Christians.” Being a miserable Christian myself at the time, I found her words very harsh. I felt like shouting at her “You have no idea what it means to be me. You do not know how hard I am trying.” But in reality all my objections were just excuses. 
Furthermore, I would come across verses in the Bible such as John 10:10 “A thief come to steal, kill and destroy. But I (Jesus) came to give life- life in all its fullness.” Or the Apostle Paul telling me “Always be happy. Never stop praying. Give thanks whatever happens. That is what God wants for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. All these would not help matters at all.
Again, I felt tempted to shout at Paul “You have no idea…” The trouble was though, he did, because this man suffered immensely for what he believed and still kept a good attitude.

I do not want to point the finger at anyone, but although I grew up in a church and then made a conscious commitment as an adult to choose God, the focus always appeared to be on me making that commitment and once I was part of a church, with a very few exceptions, there wasn’t much attention paid to mentoring me. I now consider that a blessing, although I had to pay a price in tears and pain. I consider it a blessing because I was not grown and developed by a man, but by God.

“I haven’t stopped obeying Your laws because You Yourself are my teacher.” Psalm 119:102

 In those times when I felt lost, depressed and I would not understand what was happening, I would refuse to give up on what I found in God and God certainly did not give up on me. I had nobody to go to for “counselling”, so I would pray and ask my questions and read my Bible and search in the history of the church and the lives of those who went before me.
You see, I always approached my Christianity in a very fatalist manner “What if I would be arrested or could not go to church, what then?” I tried to learn from everyone and everything and take what was good, but I made a conscious decision not to depend on anyone for my inner life. Yes, not even my pastor.  Now I am glad I did, because as a result my thinking process and the whole way in which I approach Christianity is not the product of any man’s thinking, but my own. And that is good considering that I am the only one who will answer to God for what I do. I am not afraid to ask audacious questions and search for the answers and trust God with all my heart He will teach me what I need to know. Men might be offended or feel threaten by what they cannot explain or understand. God never feels that way because He is the source of all the answers I could ever possibly have.

As a result of this all my spiritual life, this home I built inside myself, has its foundation solely on my desire to grasp God and discover Him on my own and learn to love and follow Him because I want to, not because there is some sort of a peer pressure put on me.  In His amazing love and patience, God taught me things at my own pace, at the right time and in the right way. No one put any pressures on me to do something that I was not ready to do, or think something I did not own within me, or act based on something I did not believe with my heart. God took His time with me and made my roots strong. Because of that I do not accept anything without questioning and I do not care who says it. My roots make me feel safe and at home within myself and whether I belong to a group or not, whether in a church building or in an office or in an environment which challenges me, I feel secure in what I know.  I also learnt to open my mind and my eyes to the world around me and take what is good because on many occasions, just as Jesus said, “the children of this world are in their generation wiser than the children of light.” (Luke 16:8)  

By observing, I learnt a lot from them about a good attitude and guarding my mind and my heart from thoughts that bring me down. I noticed that for them it seems to be a natural process that springs from inside of them (when they want to), because they do not feel this is a way of life they must live, but a way of live they choose to live. You see, whilst I was trying to force myself into that lifestyle and failing miserably, they would succeed because they would choose and then act, rather than hear a sermon and think they must. Yes, I probably could have learnt all that from the church as well, but in my  case all that I was able to find was either an almost defeated attitude of “here we go, another day. I must pick up my cross and follow”, or the opposite whereby I would try to almost force myself to be joyful in an attempt of “fake it till you make it”, which would completely fail to involve my mind or my heart.

I will stop at this stage before anyone panics or rushes to the comments box to tell me how I am a backslider (one who abandons his faith). I believe in the power and unity of the Church (or a synagogue). At no point in time will I ever profess that one should abandon the Church and go on their own, not unless they are prepared to pay a heavy price for it (not the kind of price you want to pay). What I am talking about here, is a process I see less and less these days- church goers thinking on their own, telling me something real that comes from their tested experience rather than some preacher. If we are meant to be witnesses of Jesus then witness Him, for God’s sake, not the pastor’s last sermon. 

Ok, I’ll admit I am ranting at imaginary people who will probably not even read this, but bear with me I am getting somewhere J

So yeah, I learnt to be positive and re-invent myself, be joyful and happy and content from people, who in the majority of cases, had nothing to do with church, and I have faith in The One who took me on this journey, because time and time again I would find pretty much the same principles in the Bible. 

One such examples, is Psalm 19. I started reading Psalm 19 one day with an attitude of “let’s skip the first few verses, because I read them countless times and they talk about the creation.” I then realised that those exact verses told me how to live with a good positive attitude.  Here’s what I learnt:

“The heavens declare the glory of God,
    and the skies announce what his hands have made.
Day after day they tell the story;
    night after night they tell it again.
They have no speech or words;
    they have no voice to be heard.
But their message goes out through all the world;
    their words go everywhere on earth.
The sky is like a home for the sun.
The sun comes out like a bridegroom from his bedroom.
    It rejoices like an athlete eager to run a race.
The sun rises at one end of the sky
    and follows its path to the other end.
    Nothing hides from its heat.” Psalm 19:1-6

The sun is at home in the sky. You too can feel at home within yourself but first you must make peace with yourself. Be thankful for what you have so that you may find contentment. That is your foundation before you even start. Without this, you will either never begin or quit half way, which equals failure. Gratefulness was never a default setting for me. I always acted as if the world owed me something because of what I've been through in my first few years of life. But gratefulness is something you can learn. I personally bought a notebook in which I thank God for everything that means something to me in a day. And trust me there were rainy cold days, when I could not stop thanking Him for allowing me to have a hot shower.

If you ever paid attention to a sunrise, you might have noticed that it is pretty much a spectacle. Make a big fuss of your life. Make a big fuss of every moment, every morning, every experience. If you don’t make a big fuss of your life, who else will? Every morning take ownership of your day. Tell yourself “This day is mine and nothing will steal it from me.” If you don’t, routine and boredom and ungratefulness will sneak in, and your life will pass you by. Soon enough you will become part of that crowd you keep hearing say “I have no idea where this week, month or year has gone.” The sun turns every rise and fall into a celebration. It makes a big fuss of every day. What’s stopping you?

Some people seem to shine every step of the way. You know who I am talking about because we all meet them at some point. I call them people with a plan. They expect something of themselves and that “something”, massive or small, creates in them eagerness, joy, and determination. They don’t stop until they get to that “something”. Nothing compares with that satisfaction of reaching your goal, of challenging yourself time and time again and demonstrate that “limits like fear are just an illusion.” If you learn just one thing from the sun learn how to rise again and again and again and keep moving forward until you get to where you’re meant to get.

You want to shine? You want to leave your mark on something? You want to know that your life was not in vain, that you were more than a face in an ocean of people? Learn from the sun. If you are not already doing this, try and live this way and it is impossible not to touch your world. You will leave your mark on people the same way the sun heats everything it shines on. Do you know why? Because only a few are willing to do this and care enough to stick to it. And everyone is attracted to light and warmth.

If the concept of being positive sits uncomfortable with you let me use another one. Let’s talk about your light and mine. Everyone I ever come across who try to “be positive” tell me they are looking for “the light”. Let me tell you something that empowered me like nothing else other than knowing God loves me with everything He’s got. These people are looking for “the light” and one their journey they seem content, determined and even joyful. If they can do it, I can do it and so can you. Do you know why? We have God. We are the children of the Light. We already have His light inside us and all around us. But if what I am saying to you right now, goes over your head it is as if someone would have all the water there is and still die of thirst.

 “I have come as Light into the world. I came so that whoever believes in Me would not stay in darkness.” Jesus, John 12:46 I mean how much more clearer than this, does He have to be?

“I am not worried about a bullet with my name on it…just the thousands out there marked “occupant”” Unknown

“When each day is the same as the next, it’s because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises.” 
Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist