I know where I'm going:-)

"I am nothing, He is all. And because "all" fell in love with "nothing", this "nothing" can now be filled with "all". Emptiness is not my destiny anymore, because of this perfect, awesome God of mine. I'm not capable of anything by myself, not even trust You all the way, sweet Jesus. That's why I don't trust in my trust in You, I trust in Your faithfulness that will never be shaken. You are the Holy King of a Kingdom that can't be moved." Emma's journal- 12 March 2005

"Your purpose on earth is far from worthless, that's why ya glorified like your life's been purchased. And it don't matter if the world don't see us. We still mean the world to Jesus." Lacrae- Take me as I am

The more I look back through my notebooks, the more it becomes clear to me, that it is very hard for us to be tangled with, when we know who we are and what our place is in His heart. I heard so many things about "walking in the authority of Jesus", or how I should be able to do this and that in His Name. I am not disputing that. Absolutely, we have authority in His Name, but that's not what I'm talking about here. When I talk about "knowing who we are", I refer to a sense of identity, belonging, having a purpose. When we remember and He has a central place in our lives, things are very clear to us, but at the same time our identity will be always the first thing to be attacked in us when we want to stand tall for Him.

When He was on the earth and stood tall for the Father, that was His first battle: "Who are You, Jesus son of Joseph the carpenter? If You are the Son of God..." (Luke 4:1-13) Did He feel like the Son of God after 40 days of starvation in the wilderness? The God in Him probably did, I'm not so sure about the Man Jesus, though. Hebrews 4:15 says He was tempted in every way, just as we are, but without sin. I am human, I know what it means not to eat for a few days, I struggle to remember my name, not to push it as far as standing tall when tempted in my identity.

We all heard the sermons from Luke 4, of how He used the Word of God every time He was tested. "It is written..." is all He replied, and perhaps it escapes us sometimes how precious that moment was for the Man Jesus. He never said "You know what, satan, take a hike. I know I am the Son of God because I have this strong feeling in Me." Jesus didn't even address the point of who He was, as if that was not even in question.

Why didn't He say anything to defend His identity? I think it is because even though He came here Jesus always "remembered", He made it His mission to remember ("for I know where I came from and where I am going" John 8:14) . He was human, He had the same struggles, but even though He felt everything, He did not allow feelings to tell Him who He was. I love the end of Luke 4. After the devil leaves Him alone, He goes straight into a synagogue opens the book of Isaiah and quotes from chapter 61, what could only be called His mission statement, as if nothing happened, unfazed by questions or doubts: "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour."

I've been to many times in that place of discouragement and pain, to sit here and happily type that when you're there all you have to do is go, read the Bible and you will immediately feel like a child of God. You might hear that a lot on God Channel, if it works for you drop me a message, I'll stand corrected. If you only go to the Bible when you're in that place it's a little bit after 12 o'clock, if I can put it that way. My brother-in-law, Ian, told me once "Emma, when you find yourself in a dark place, look inside yourself and whatever still stands strong about God in you, is actually all you know about Him. Everything else is theory." I become aware of my identity in Him a little bit every day, brick by brick and if at the first storm all my bricks turn to dust, I don't give up, until at some point that storm comes again and I realise that whether big or small my wall is as unshakable as His Kingdom and I can find shelter behind it. That wall is my identity, my shield and every brick from that wall is a moment from my walk with God- a prayer answered, a situation He got me out of, circumstances that only He could have changed. Those are real. Those are not sermons I heard, or books I read, those are my moments with my God and they are so real they don't even constitute a question anymore.

Growing up in a communist country, in circumstances that sometimes felt like a battle I will never win, I didn't really feel safe growing up. I learnt not to trust or count on anyone, because in the end you're on your own anyway. So every time, I would mess up in my relationship with God or get discouraged my first thought would be "What's the point, He will abandon me anyway. I mean who would stick around for a mess like me?" Until one day I came across the Roman saying "Nomen est omen"- Names are destiny (or your name is your destiny). My name is Emanuela "God with us" in Hebrew, and I finally got it. He was with me the minute Emanuela took her first breath, He is with me everywhere I go and He will remain with me until the end. Now when I feel abandoned all I have to tell myself is "I am Emanuela- God with me." This is one of my bricks. I am sure you have many of them as well. One of my favourite words in Hebrew is Zakar, it means be remembered, be thought of, be brought to mind, remind, keep in remembrance, to mention, to record, to make a memorial, make remembrance. This pretty much sums up my relationship with God.

I guess the whole point of what I am saying here is you'll stand up if you remember. You've been through a journey this far, ask God to remind you. Jesus said the Holy Spirit will teach us all things and will remind us of everything He has said to us (John 14:26)

"But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God." John 1:12-13