Adonai Ro'i Lo Echsar- The Lord is my Shepherd!

Today, I just want to thank Him for being my Shepherd. These days I seem to re-discover little treasures I forgot I had, such as Psalm 23 or such as this amazing joy that springs in me for no reason and from no outside source- this joy of knowing that I am His and that He is taking care of me. I feel safe and secure and so protected, like you feel when you end up in a warm soft blanket after you've been in the cold. I've been through some difficult days which felt like they worn me out. I asked Him "Restore in me the joy of Your salvation. I want my heart to remember how happy it feels in knowing I am loved by You." This is the result. "Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength...Even young men stumble and fall...But those who wait upon the Lord..."
I don't know what's around the corner, but I will fear no evil. Whatever comes from You will comfort me, whatever I must go through will strengthen me. I will fear no evil for You are with me.
Toda raba, Adonai sheli, my warm blanket, my safe embrace, my refuge and my strength.







And I could not help myself. Check out this little sweetie. I love her eyes when she says "Surely?"



Amen, Zoei, "I shall not be in want...tah nah nah nah nah!"

I am a Christian, please don't hold me accountable

Yesterday, I was speaking with my sister. As always she asked me how I've been. I told her there were days I wanted to run somewhere and forget about this world, and other days when I felt like nothing can faze me. She told me "It's called life". Yeap, it is, but how do I react to it? I was looking for some pictures on Google and I came across a picture with a slogan written on a T-shirt: "I am a Christian. Please hold me accountable." To say that the slogan bugged me is an understatement. Why? Because, in my bad days (which seem to be many lately), I hope to God nobody holds me accountable on the basis that I am a Christian. If I ever came across on this blog as being someone who has it all sorted, that was never my intention. I write what I learn. Sometimes an article might be my thoughts after the first lesson. All I do is share my journey. I wish there would be more of us doing it, because as vulnerable as it makes you feel, it teaches you a great lesson- be real and say it as it is, one other soul in this world is bound to be in the same place and they will feel less lonely.

"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. " (Matthew 5:14-16, The Message)

He put His light in me and I'll shine it the best I can. If in some days I won't be a lighthouse, well then, I guess its the risk He took with me. All I can do is the best I can and in rest I'll keep on looking at Him and learn.
This has been a bit of a crazy year for me, If I would've known there would be so many storms, I would have invested in a raincoat:-) But it's childish to blame the storms for your reactions, this much I've learnt from the Son of God.
For weeks now my lesson is "Be still", all I come across is "in quietness and trust is your strength" (Isaiah 30:15)
So, I had a look at how The Son of God handled storms:

"Then Jesus got into the boat and started across the lake with his disciples. Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm." Matthew 8:23-27
I won't even comment on the fact that in the middle of the storm He was sleeping. I mean that in itself says it all. But what got my attention in this paragraph is the way He deals with the storm almost in bullet points. All the disciples see is the desperate situation they found themselves in (note to self, Emma) "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" Yeshua however, doesn't comment on the storm nor on the waves breaking into the boat threatening to drown them. He comments first on their fear and then on their lack of faith.
Scenario: Storm comes, you "observe" the effects with all your five senses and as a result give into fear. Fear paralyses your faith and stops you from thinking you could have any other possible reaction to that storm but complete panic. As a result the storm controls you. That's what He tried to show us: "Look, Emma, I didn't say they won't come. As a matter of fact I warned you they will, but your strength (or lack of it) will lay in how you react to the storms."

Then He stood up and pretty much told to storm to "Shut up!" and suddenly there was a great calm. Because of His attitude in front of the storm, He had the power to control the storm, the storm never had the power to control Yeshua. "Yeah, but He was God and I am only human" True, but He was also man and He had to make choices. The thing is, I can't "blame" His divinity in this. If I would be tempted to, six chapters later Peter shows me what happens if you hang in there. I might sound funny but I am convinced that by storm 500, Peter would've strolled on those waters. The point I guess, is don't quit just because you sink the first or second time and if you happen to see someone sinking don't judge them by their sinking, you never know, perhaps that person is the only one out of the whole boat who had the guts to try.

"About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!”But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”“Yes, come,” Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?” (Matthew 14:25-31)

"Yeah, Emma, but Peter drowned as well" Yes, he did but that's besides the point, what matters is that he trusted for as long or as little as he did and for that he walked with God in a way you and I don't. Peter seemed to remember something from the last encounter with the wind and the sea "My Master can do anything" so he comes up with the craziest idea of them all "make me walk on water". Yeshua as always when seeing a glimpse of faith seems to be thrilled "Yes, come". And for a brief moment the fully human Peter defied the laws of physics, until his humanity took over and he started to sink. What remained with me again is the fact that Yeshua doesn't say to Peter "you had so little faith in yourself, you should've tried harder" He simply says "Why did you doubt Me, Peter?"

"Why do you doubt Me, Emma? Who told the last storm to "shut up" when it came against you?"

Both Yeshua and Peter teach me there are only two reactions in front of storms- quietness and trust. I sometimes lose it when the storm comes, because I forget He is there. It's all so loud and scary that I forget who told my last storm to "shut up!" And when I lose sight of Him, there's not really much left of Emma. There's only one thing I can be held accountable for- quiting. In rest yes, I am a Christian but please don't hold me accountable.

Emma

I know where I'm going:-)

"I am nothing, He is all. And because "all" fell in love with "nothing", this "nothing" can now be filled with "all". Emptiness is not my destiny anymore, because of this perfect, awesome God of mine. I'm not capable of anything by myself, not even trust You all the way, sweet Jesus. That's why I don't trust in my trust in You, I trust in Your faithfulness that will never be shaken. You are the Holy King of a Kingdom that can't be moved." Emma's journal- 12 March 2005

"Your purpose on earth is far from worthless, that's why ya glorified like your life's been purchased. And it don't matter if the world don't see us. We still mean the world to Jesus." Lacrae- Take me as I am

The more I look back through my notebooks, the more it becomes clear to me, that it is very hard for us to be tangled with, when we know who we are and what our place is in His heart. I heard so many things about "walking in the authority of Jesus", or how I should be able to do this and that in His Name. I am not disputing that. Absolutely, we have authority in His Name, but that's not what I'm talking about here. When I talk about "knowing who we are", I refer to a sense of identity, belonging, having a purpose. When we remember and He has a central place in our lives, things are very clear to us, but at the same time our identity will be always the first thing to be attacked in us when we want to stand tall for Him.

When He was on the earth and stood tall for the Father, that was His first battle: "Who are You, Jesus son of Joseph the carpenter? If You are the Son of God..." (Luke 4:1-13) Did He feel like the Son of God after 40 days of starvation in the wilderness? The God in Him probably did, I'm not so sure about the Man Jesus, though. Hebrews 4:15 says He was tempted in every way, just as we are, but without sin. I am human, I know what it means not to eat for a few days, I struggle to remember my name, not to push it as far as standing tall when tempted in my identity.

We all heard the sermons from Luke 4, of how He used the Word of God every time He was tested. "It is written..." is all He replied, and perhaps it escapes us sometimes how precious that moment was for the Man Jesus. He never said "You know what, satan, take a hike. I know I am the Son of God because I have this strong feeling in Me." Jesus didn't even address the point of who He was, as if that was not even in question.

Why didn't He say anything to defend His identity? I think it is because even though He came here Jesus always "remembered", He made it His mission to remember ("for I know where I came from and where I am going" John 8:14) . He was human, He had the same struggles, but even though He felt everything, He did not allow feelings to tell Him who He was. I love the end of Luke 4. After the devil leaves Him alone, He goes straight into a synagogue opens the book of Isaiah and quotes from chapter 61, what could only be called His mission statement, as if nothing happened, unfazed by questions or doubts: "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour."

I've been to many times in that place of discouragement and pain, to sit here and happily type that when you're there all you have to do is go, read the Bible and you will immediately feel like a child of God. You might hear that a lot on God Channel, if it works for you drop me a message, I'll stand corrected. If you only go to the Bible when you're in that place it's a little bit after 12 o'clock, if I can put it that way. My brother-in-law, Ian, told me once "Emma, when you find yourself in a dark place, look inside yourself and whatever still stands strong about God in you, is actually all you know about Him. Everything else is theory." I become aware of my identity in Him a little bit every day, brick by brick and if at the first storm all my bricks turn to dust, I don't give up, until at some point that storm comes again and I realise that whether big or small my wall is as unshakable as His Kingdom and I can find shelter behind it. That wall is my identity, my shield and every brick from that wall is a moment from my walk with God- a prayer answered, a situation He got me out of, circumstances that only He could have changed. Those are real. Those are not sermons I heard, or books I read, those are my moments with my God and they are so real they don't even constitute a question anymore.

Growing up in a communist country, in circumstances that sometimes felt like a battle I will never win, I didn't really feel safe growing up. I learnt not to trust or count on anyone, because in the end you're on your own anyway. So every time, I would mess up in my relationship with God or get discouraged my first thought would be "What's the point, He will abandon me anyway. I mean who would stick around for a mess like me?" Until one day I came across the Roman saying "Nomen est omen"- Names are destiny (or your name is your destiny). My name is Emanuela "God with us" in Hebrew, and I finally got it. He was with me the minute Emanuela took her first breath, He is with me everywhere I go and He will remain with me until the end. Now when I feel abandoned all I have to tell myself is "I am Emanuela- God with me." This is one of my bricks. I am sure you have many of them as well. One of my favourite words in Hebrew is Zakar, it means be remembered, be thought of, be brought to mind, remind, keep in remembrance, to mention, to record, to make a memorial, make remembrance. This pretty much sums up my relationship with God.

I guess the whole point of what I am saying here is you'll stand up if you remember. You've been through a journey this far, ask God to remind you. Jesus said the Holy Spirit will teach us all things and will remind us of everything He has said to us (John 14:26)

"But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God." John 1:12-13

Are you stirred up or neutralised?

Yesterday I heard a great sermon by Dennis Philips, an amazing man of God. To pretty much sum it up in a question would be "Are you stirred up or discouraged?" Dennis was telling us that to be discouraged is to be neutralised. Like a car without petrol you simply stop in one place. And then the questions, the doubts, the fears budge in. I think I'll forever fight discouragement with all I've got, not just because I had and still have to fight against it so much, but because I hate to look into the eyes of a child of God and see the light gone.

My general first reaction to discouragement is to run and hide and possibly stay there until God comes to me like He did to Elijah: "What are you doing here, Elijah?"(1 Kings 19:9) Something like "I was, Lord, but I am no more." What's the source of our discouragement? Well, I guess it might be many things- hardship, unanswered prayers, people bad mouthing us, tiredness. Where does it start? In my case is in my mind and then if allow it, it reaches my heart. We start to see ourselves as failures, possibly believe we might struggle like this for as long as we live and then fear of even trying again sneaks in. In times like these I feel God the same way He went to Adam and Eve after they sinned. Adam began to tell God how they hid because they were naked. God simply asked him: ""Who told you that you were naked?" (Genesis 3:11)
"Who told you, you're a failure? Who told you you'll never make it? Who told you I'm upset and angry? Who's accusing you, My child?"

Rightly so, who's accusing us? "Who shall bring any charge against God's elect [when it is] God Who justifies [that is, Who puts us in right relation to Himself? Who shall come forward and accuse or impeach those whom God has chosen? Will God, Who acquits us?] Who is there to condemn [us]? Will Christ Jesus (the Messiah), Who died, or rather Who was raised from the dead, Who is at the right hand of God actually pleading as He intercedes for us?" (Romans 8:33-34, Amplified Bible)

And since we are so much more eager to believe accusations, how do we fight this weakness? I love the way the Jewish nation is so focus on remembering. Eli Wiesel said: "I marvel at the resilience of the Jewish people. Their best characteristic is their desire to remember. No other people has such an obsession with memory." Why? Because, if I know I am Emma, there's no way you'll convince me I am Mary. We're far less likely to become discouraged and lied to, if we remember our walk with God. When it hurts what seems most real is our pain, but pain will never be more real than the truth. And what is true is our walk with God so far. The tricky part is being able to remember. Philip Yancey calls it spiritual amnesia. I didn't know it had a name, but I started fighting it by writing down. I will forever write down everything, I will leave road signs for myself for when I struggle and feel lost. Because it's then when I go back and start reading. Notebook number one, number two, number seven...until I remember... "I am not a failure. I am a fighter. Look how many times I stood up in the past, look how many times God helped me, see how much it hurt that day and check out how happy and hopeful I was on the next page." The truth will remain the same no matter what we feel- we're not alone, and The One who brought us this far, did not invest all His love and time in us only to abandon us now. He'll never do it. It's ok, lift up your heart and see He never left. You're not a failure, you're more than mistakes and for as long as you don't give up He guarantees you'll make it. He is our strength and He'll never fail us. It's ok.

If you struggle right now and you don't even know where to begin to pick yourself up, not to mention stir yourself up, I am here for you. Leave me a message. I promise I will not publish it, just let me pray for you. I didn't plan to write this today, but you're on my heart. So, whoever you are, it's ok. He's not accusing you and He's not upset. He just wants you to remember you're not alone.

Your sister,

Emma

P.S. This is for you:-)
"Speak To Me"- Audio Adrenaline

"I'm in a fix
Need something quick
My mind is numb
My stomach sick
Broken hearts
Hopeless things
I've seen what defiance brings
Cause the light of day
I've always known
Is in my heart
I'm not alone

Speak to me
Tell me all the things I need to know
I want to hear you now
Can you speak to me
I've opened up your word to free me
I want to hear you now

It's amazing
How I forget
Can't live my life
For lack of it
But the light of day
I've always known
It's in my heart
I'm not alone

Speak to me
Tell me all the things I need to know
I want to hear you now
Can you speak to me
I've opened up your word to free me
I want to hear you now

Make your wisdom clear
The words I hold so dear
Bring the light into my dark
I hide them inside my heart"

My Father knows

Some of you might have heard this story before. I came accross it whilst listening to one of Pastor Rob Prokop's sermons. I hope it touches your heart just as much as it did mine.

The Hairbrush Story

At the Airport in Knoxville on April 20, 2005, Beth Moore

"Waiting to board the plane, I had the Bible on my lap and was very intent upon what I was doing. I'd had a marvelous morning with the Lord. I say that because I want to tell you it is a scary thing to have the Spirit of God really working in you. You could end up doing some things you never would have done otherwise. Life in the Spirit can be dangerous for a thousand reasons not the least of which is your ego. I tried to keep from staring, but he was such a strange sight. Humped over in a wheelchair, he was skin and bones, dressed in clothes that obviously fit when he was at least twenty pounds heavier. His knees protruded from his trousers, and his shoulders looked like the coat hanger was still in his shirt. His hands looked like tangled masses of veins and bones. The strangest part of him was his hair and nails. Stringy gray hair hung well over his shoulders and down part of his back. His fingernails were long, clean but strangely out of place on an old man. I looked down at my Bible as fast as I could, discomfort burning my face. As I tried to imagine what his story might have been, I found myself wondering if I'd just had a Howard Hughes moment. Then, I remembered that he was dead. So this man in the airport...an impersonator maybe? Was a camera on us somewhere? There I sat, trying to concentrate on the Word to keep from being concerned about a thin slice of humanity served on a wheelchair only a few seats from me. All the while my heart was growing more and more overwhelmed with a feeling for him. Let's admit it. Curiosity is a heap more comfortable than true concern, and suddenly I was awash with aching emotion for this bizarre-looking old man.

I had walked with God long enough to see the handwriting on the wall. I've learned that when I begin to feel what God feels, something so contrary to my natural feelings, something dramatic is bound to happen. And it may be embarrassing. I immediately began to resist because I could feel God working on my spirit and I started arguing with God in my mind. "Oh, no, God, please, no." I looked up at the ceiling as if I could stare straight through it into heaven and said, "Don't make me witness to this man. Not right here and now. Please. I'll do anything. Put me on the same plane, but don't make me get up here and witness to this man in front of this gawking audience. Please, Lord!"

There I sat in the blue vinyl chair begging His Highness, "Please don't make me witness to this man. Not now. I'll do it on the plane." Then I heard it... "I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to brush his hair." The words were so clear, my heart leapt into my throat, and my thoughts spun like a top. Do I witness to the man or brush his hair? No-brainer. I looked straight back up at the ceiling and said, "God, as I live and breathe, I want you to know I am ready to witness to this man. I'm on this Lord. I'm you're girl! You've never seen a woman witness to a man faster in your life. What difference does it make if his hair is a mess if he is not redeemed? I am on him. I am going to witness to this man." Again as clearly as I've ever heard an audible word, God seemed to write this statement across the wall of my mind. "That is not what I said, Beth. I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to go brush his hair." I looked up at God and quipped, "I don't have a hairbrush. It's in my suitcase on the plane. How am I supposed to brush his hair without a hairbrush?" God was so insistent that I almost involuntarily began to walk toward him as these thoughts came to me from God's word: "I will thoroughly furnish you unto all good works." (2 Timothy 3:17) I stumbled over to the wheelchair thinking I could use one myself.

Even as I retell this story my pulse quickens and I feel those same butterflies. I knelt down in front of the man and asked as demurely as possible," Sir, may I have the pleasure of brushing your hair?" He looked back at me and said, "What did you say?"
"May I have the pleasure of brushing your hair?" To which he responded in volume ten, "Little lady, if you expect me to hear you, you're going to have to talk louder than that." At this point, I took a deep breath and blurted out, "SIR, MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF BRUSHING YOUR HAIR?" At which point every eye in the place darted right at me. I was the only thing in the room looking more peculiar than old Mr. Longlocks. Face crimson and forehead breaking out in a sweat, I watched him look up at me with absolute shock on his face, and say, "If you really want to." Are you kidding? Of course I didn't want to. But God didn't seem interested in my personal preference right about then. He pressed on my heart until I could utter the words, "Yes, sir, I would be pleased. But I have one little problem. I don't have a hairbrush." "I have one in my bag," he responded. I went around to the back of that wheelchair, and I got on my hands and knees and unzipped the stranger's old carry-on, hardly believing what I was doing. I stood up and started brushing the old man's hair. It was perfectly clean, but it was tangled and matted. I don't do many things well, but I must admit I've had notable experience untangling knotted hair mothering two little girls. Like I'd done with either Amanda or Melissa in such a condition, I began brushing at the very bottom of the strands, remembering to take my time not to pull.

A miraculous thing happened to me as I started brushing that old man's hair. Everybody else in the room disappeared. There was no one alive for those moments except that old man and me. I brushed and I brushed and I brushed until every tangle was out of that hair. I know this sounds so strange, but I've never felt that kind of love for another soul in my entire life. I believe with all my heart, I - for that few minutes - felt a portion of the very love of God. That He had overtaken my heart for a little while like someone renting a room and making Himself at home for a short while. The emotions were so strong and so pure that I knew they had to be God's. His hair was finally as soft and smooth as an infant's. I slipped the brush back in the bag, went around the chair to face him. I got back down on my knees, put my hands on his knees, and said, "Sir, do you know my Jesus?" He said, "Yes, I do." Well, that figures, I thought. He explained, "I've known Him since I married my bride. She wouldn't marry me until I got to know the Savior." He said, "You see, the problem is, I haven't seen my bride in months. I've had open-heart surgery, and she's been too ill to come see me. I was sitting here thinking to myself, what a mess I must be for my bride."

Only God knows how often He allows us to be part of a divine moment when we're completely unaware of the significance. This, on the other hand, was one of those rare encounters when I knew God had intervened in details only He could have known. It was a God moment, and I'll never forget it. Our time came to board, and we were not on the same plane. I was deeply ashamed of how I'd acted earlier and would have been so proud to have accompanied him on that aircraft. I still had a few minutes, and as I gathered my things to board, the airline hostess returned from the corridor, tears streaming down her cheeks. She said, "That old man's sitting on the plane, sobbing. Why did you do that? What made you do that?" I said, "Do you know Jesus? He can be the bossiest thing!" And we got to share. I learned something about God that day. He knows if you're exhausted because you're hungry, you're serving in the wrong place or it is time to move on, but you feel too responsible to budge. He knows if you're hurting or feeling rejected. He knows if you're sick or drowning under a wave of temptation. Or He knows if you just need your hair brushed. He sees you as an individual. Tell Him your need! I got on my own flight, sobs choking my throat, wondering how many opportunities just like that one had I missed along the way... all because I didn't want people to think I was strange. God didn't send me to that old man. He sent that old man to me.

John 1:14 "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting, "Wow! What a ride! Thank You, Lord!""

Be still

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"Thou my best thought by day or by night. Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light."

Back in Romania we have a Christian radio station (something like UCB- United Christian Broadcast). It's called "Vocea Evangheliei-The Voice of the Gospel". For a while, when I was about 23-24 they keep broadcasting a sort of an encouragement for people to seek God daily. It was called "7 minutes a day with God". Now I am not very sure what made them choose the number 7 and not 10, perhaps because 7 is considered a holy number, the number of God. Anyway, as I was a fairly new Christian very much set in my ways, I thought it terrible to only give God 7 minutes out 1440 minutes of a day. I was judgemental without considering what 7 minutes mean for a full-time working mother with four children like my mum for instance. She took the seven minutes seriously and I could either find her on her knees before going to work in the morning or I would discover her Bible and her devotional left on her bed after she left for work. It's 7 minutes enough or do I need to spend an hour every day? How much time do I give to a timeless God who lives in me anyway?

I want Him to know He is my absolute number 1, but how much time do I give Him in order to make Him understand that? I am one of those people who can't make it through a day of work if I don't spend some time with Him in the morning. That's my personality. I wish I could be one of those lovely, quiet, pleasant girls who seem to spread peace whenever they pass you by, but I'm not. I am very passionate and sometimes loud and so I have to make a conscious effort to be quiet and lovely and peaceful. And everytime I manage to go through a day being that way, I know it was God helping me. So I wake up every morning, sometimes at ridiculously unearthly hours, because I am weak and I need help. But is that time in the morning enough? I mean I am genuinely seeking Him for very selfish reasons "Adonai, I need wisdom and understanding and peace and determination to make it through today. I need help."
This is what's on my heart lately. And I discover more and more that even though setting aside a designated time to spend with Him is a very good thing that shows Him my determination and desire to follow Him, it's about more than that. I kept telling my Daniel all week "There's something more here which escapes me. I need to understand this." Eventually I got it. It's about living with the consciousness of Him all through the day. I love the way they translated Isaiah 26:3, in the New Living Translation of the Bible: "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!" I found this to be true this week.

But how do I keep God in my thoughts throughout the day, in a 9-5 job where my phone is ringing, I have to focus on the work at hand and give my company 100%? Now that is the question! I decided to be practical about it. In my company you have to move from your computer every hour for a couple of minutes in order to rest your eyes (sounds good in theory practically its a bit more difficult:-)), so I decided to use that time to "remember God". I might go to get some water from the water machine and think "Thank you for helping me so far today." Or move to the printer and think "I love you, Adonai sheli (my Lord)". I was determined to do it every hour, I managed to do it about 2-3 times a day, but at those times I felt Him so close, far closer than I do sometimes when I'm sitting at my lovely purple desk. So I will carry on. I can't say I don't find it frustrating when I have to return to my work, but He knows that already, just as I know I need to be still inside and know He IS. He is there, He is my God, He is for me, He is there to help.

All I heard all week in my heart was "Be still". Friday morning, as I was entering the parking lot at work and saw the building, I took a deep breath in, as you do before you jump in the waves. But then I started to laugh so hard when I passed a parking lot of someone from my work called B. STILL (God does have a sense of humour). So I guess I will carry on and do what I've done so far. Just because I am not 100% successful all the time doesn't mean I should stop, because I realised God loves my 7 seconds every few hours just as much as He loves me spending a whole day with Him. For a timeless God what matters the most is that you choose to remember Him in a world which tells you all the time He does not exist.

One of the writers that influenced me most in my life is Etty Hillesum. Perhaps because I identify so much with her... Etty was just as determined to find God everywhere as I am, and I love her so much because her life proves to me that if you seek Him you find Him, just as He said. Etty started out with so many emotional problems. She fought depression and sadness all the time, but because she sought God, eventually when she ended up in a concentration camp, she would enter one of the barracks smiling and bringing comfort to others who were completely lost. Etty started looking for God just like us, with little steps, but what amazes me about her, is that she never attended a church or a synagogue and no one taught her how to seek God, and still this is how she describes it: "A quiet half an hour within yourself...but it's not that simple that sort of "quiet hour". It has to be learned. A lot of unimportant inner litter and bits and pieces have to be swept out first." From the beginning she acknowledged it was not simple, but she didn't stop. She carried on as on a mission. She told God her heart is His home and she will clean it up for Him and decorate her soul so that He would feel at home:

"The jasmine behind my house has been completely ruined by the rains and storms of the last few days; it's white blossoms are floating about in muddy black pools on the low garage roof. But somewhere inside me the jasmine continues to blossom undisturbed, just as profusely and delicately as it ever did. And it spreads its scent round the House in which you dwell, O God. You can see I look after You, I bring you not only my tears and my foreboding on this stormy, grey Sunday morning, I even bring you scented jasmine. And I shall bring You all the flowers I shall meet on my way, and truly there are many of those. I shall try to make You at home always. Even if I should be locked up in a narrow cell and a cloud should drift past my small barred window, then I shall bring you that cloud, O God, while there is still strength in me to do so. I cannot promise You anything for tomorrow, but my intentions are good, You can see."

Eventually, Etty reached that place where her surroundings and circumstances could not stop her dialogue and inner life with God: "My life has become an uninterrupted dialogue with You, O God, one great dialogue. Sometimes when I stand in some corner of the camp, my feet planted on Your earth, my eyes raised towards Your heaven, tears sometimes run down my face, tears of deep emotion and gratitude." She wrote these words whilst in Westerbrook camp, amongst suffering and despair. But she choose to be there with her people rather than run and hide. "And I want to be there right in the thick of what people call horror and still be able to say: life is beautiful. Yes, I lie here in a corner, parched and dizzy and feverish and unable to do a thing. Yet I am also with the jasmine and the piece of sky beyond my window."
She wanted to be God's witness "...there must be someone to live through it all and bear witness to the fact that God lived, even in these times." And she did bear witness until the end. The last thing Etty wrote was a note to a friend which she threw out through a crack in the boarded-up train. This was later found by farmers and posted to her friend: "Christine, opening the Bible at random, I find this "The Lord is my high tower..."

Etty started by simply seeking. She was intentional about it, but she didn't turn it into some routine she would feel guilty for not keeping at all times. She just had a relationship and that relationship carried her through the hell around her. I don't have to survive a concentration camp, but I have to go through the distractions of everyday life. To keep a marriage happy you have to become creative in the ways you live your love for your spouse. I find it easy to think about my relationship with God that way. Just as my Daniel, God also has to feel my love for Him through many little things I invent every day, even if that little thing is just a few seconds of my attention in a busy day. What matters is that for those few seconds, I've stopped it all to tell Him that I love Him.

Emanuela