Prayer for a fallen warrior

I look at him, sweet Jesus
The little boy I use to know
He seems so trapped in here
His life...this massive pack of snow

He thinks that we forgot him
And don't remember how
We used to laugh togher 
And cry and share that bond

He thinks this world will end him
And there's no point to fight
That's why I ask, sweet Jesus
Please give him all the might

Please bring back the little warrior 
Who refused to give up
Who could see the deception
And used to fight the trap

Who looked at me and told me
"Never will I give up
I refuse to go under
I refuse to get trapped". 

A personal testimony

I grew up in a communist Romania, under Ceausescu, a terrible dictator whom I was meant to call father of my nation. I still remember how when I was nine years old I was dancing around our flat when they shot him and his wife. It might sound horrible but unless you were there, you can't possibly understand how it felt even as a small child to feel safe for the first time in your life.

I am the oldest child of four and grew up in a poor area of Cluj-Napoca, the capital of Transilvania in a two bedrooms flat (one of which was actually the lounge:-))). I know what it means to pray for your bread and to think for the rest of your life that Christmas smells like oranges because that was the only time I could queue for hours with a coupon in my hands and get 6 oranges (one for each member of our family). I had my first pair of trainers when I was fourteen and I was so happy that I went to bed with them and refused to take them off. I had my first pair of jeans when I was sixteen. It carried on being my only pair of jeans until I was eighteen. I used to wash them a few times a week and put them on the radiator so that they would get dry and I would be able to wear them again the next day. In spite of all this I had a happy childhood with amazing grandparents and siblings. With a mum who told me all my life that she did not bring me into this world to be a victim and that I have to be strong, who loved me and inspired me and with a father who loved me as much as he knew how.

When I was eight I started to teach myself English by repeating time and time again "This is a wall. This is a pen. My name is Emanuela..." I dreamed of England all my life and was determined to speak English better than anyone I ever knew. My English teacher noticed my passion and invested a lot in me. I won many competitions in the area with my essays and works and I was proud that I was good at something. For a long time that was all and England was nothing but a distant dream. Then I became friends with a very special person who impacted my life at a time when I saw little hope for my future. He encouraged me a lot not to give up on my dreams and to believe that there is no limit to my potential. I wanted to believe him, but at 23 I was still in a two beds flat, in the same poor area and hardly had money to buy a bus ticket. That person was to become my brother-in-law:-)

Many days I would lose hope completely, but my mum has not brought a victim in this world and I had to be strong so with God's help I learnt how to encourage myself. I created a board with pictures from several big cities in England and with the UK map. I put it on the table next to my bed and would look at it to remind myself that I should not give up on my dreams. One day hopelessness paid me another visit and I ended up on the carpet in tears, starring at my board which at that point in time might as well have shown me a picture with the moon. But my mum has not brought a victim into this world and I had to be strong, so I looked straight at a picture on that board and said out loud "One day I will walk on those streets." I knew I had no chances to do it on my own because back then I needed a visa and in order to get a visa I had to have a substantive bank account to demonstrate credibility at the embassy. Furthermore, I had previously applied for a visa and they rejected my application for the same reasons. But somewhere inside me that was my dream and I knew if God kept it alive all those years He will make it come to pass and no embassy will ever stop Him.

Fast forward nine years. I am married with an Englishman. I have not only visited England, but I live here for over 7 years now. But more important, this Monday I was getting home from work and whilst walking on the street I stopped in my tracks and remembered the day I sat on that carpet in my two beds flat, in a poor area of Cluj with not a single penny in my pocket and said out loud "One day I will walk on those streets." The picture I looked at that day was of the city I was walking through this Monday. I started to cry, turned around in a circle and looked around myself as if I was asleep for the last nine years and I just woke up to see my dream come true.

Let me tell you what God did. He took that girl who had no chance from a far away country and not only gave her her dream but He made sure she works now in one of the most important buildings in the second largest city in England for an organisation which over 300 years old where she is respected and appreciated and cared for and nobody cares where she came from or how much money she grew up with.

One of my friends told me this week "Emma, God is enlarging your territory". I took it as I always take phrases like this. They sound to me like some over used Christian affirmation that you're somehow meant to understand like a secret handshake. But for the first time in my life I understood what that phrase meant. My dream was to visit England. That in itself would have been a miracle to me. That was as much as I could dream on that day when I was crying on the carpet. But God enlarged my territory. He showed me what His version of my dream looked like and let me tell you, it is far beyond anything I could have ever possibly imagined.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry...He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LorD and put their trust in him. Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord... Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us, None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, Lord, as you know^. I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help, I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly." Psalm 40