Wingless bird

A bird knows it exists for one purpose- to fly. They know it from the moment they’re on the edge of the cliff about to fall or take off. So they spread their wings and do what they were always meant to do- fly.

Man’s greatest inner desire is to find meaning and purpose. The answer to the question that haunted us throughout the ages- why am I here?

I am a seeker. I sought all my life and I assume I will carry on the same way. But so far, the only answer I keep coming across to pretty much all my big questions is- Because He loves us. Why am I here? To hopefully always find this answer to all of my questions. 

Why am I here? To understand I am so loved, in the middle of this unloving world. I exist to be loved. My sister keeps saying that if God would stop thinking of us, we would cease to exist, and I agree with her.

Ever since I was a little girl I heard this verse in church “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

And it feels amazing when good things happen to you, things that seem to confirm this verse 100%. But how about when things don’t go according to plan? When what you hoped for, doesn’t happen? What do you do?

I seem to see two reactions in people and in myself.  We either doubt our love for Him- “Perhaps I didn’t loved Him as I should’ve, or believed Him as much as I should’ve” or we doubt His love for us- “Perhaps I’ve done something wrong and God is upset with me” And I know when church going people read this sort of thing they have at least two verses about how we get things by grace not because we deserve them, but if you are honest with yourself when you are in that place, these are thoughts that cross your mind.

It always seems to take us a while to ask the question “What is for my good?”
This week I came across one of my favourite verses in a different translation, exactly when I was asking myself this question. "But as for me, the nearness of God is my good." Psalm 73:28

I understood then, that He loves me so much, that He would do anything, move anything, change anything, deny me whatever He has to, only to keep me near.  And once again, my answer to my question was- Because He loves me.

I exist because God thinks me into existence. And He thinks of me every millisecond not because He would be a little bit bored without me, but because He loves me. Same way birds exist to fly, I exist to be loved by God and to answer to His love with mine. These days I have this thought that no matter what happens to me, if I want to see it, I will be able to find His love behind anything that come along. And if I don't want to see it,  I am but a wingless bird that cannot fly…

Tell me what God feels like. I'm starting to forget...

"Soon after her brother was born, little Sachi began to ask her parents to leave her alone with the new baby. They worried that like most four-year-olds, she might feel jealous and want to hit or shake him, so they said no. But she showed no signs of jealousy. She treated the baby with kindness and her pleas to be left alone with him became more urgent. They decided to allow it. Elated, she went into the baby's room and she shut the door, but it opened a crack-enough for her curious parents to peek in and listen. They saw little Sachi walk quietly up to her baby brother, put her face close to his and say quietly, "Baby, tell me what God feels like. I'm starting to forget." 

Dan Millman taken from "Chicken soup for the soul" by Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

"I tell you the truth, you must change and become like little children. Otherwise, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. The greatest person in the kingdom of heaven is the one who makes himself humble like this child." Matthew 18:3-4

I had a chat tonight with a dear one of mine who is going through a hard time. One of those times perfectly described in Psalm 88, when you think God forgot about you and no matter how much or how hard you pray your words bounce of the ceiling and hit the floor like a boomerang, never actually reaching their destination. I tried to tell my dear one, that when things don't make sense it is always the same battle line, the one that always was and always will be- Can your God be trusted? And if you dare to adventure yourself and confess "yes", then you hear straight away in your heart "Prove it!"

Why is it so hard to adventure and answer yes? Because just like Sachi, time on this earth and especially time apart from God, makes you forget how God "feels like". What do I mean by "feels like"? If you ever met Him you know exactly what I mean. That warmth that overwhelms you all of the sudden in the middle of the day when you expect it the least. That smile on your face and peace in your heart in the middle of a messy situation. That perfect hope described in Psalm 88 that made the Psalmist still carry on praying even when he thought God was against him. That's what God feels like. If one would ask me to describe how God feels like in one phrase I guess it would be "God is a smile on my face when I really should be crying."

Both you and I know we are here temporary and both you and I know what the battle line is. So as I said in other postings on this blog, if doubt takes you to court for lack of evidence and screams at you to "Prove it!" then I guess my dear one, I am the little baby tonight trying to remind you how God feels like.