"Never leave you, nor forsake you...though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you" (Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5, Isaiah 54:10Anything but insane-Emma- 13.07.2011
I'm sad today, dear Abba
I'm sad and not sure why
Is this feeling for real
Or once again a lie?
Do I have real reasons
To feel so low and sad?
Or am I manipulated
And spoken lies instead?
Because all that I'm hearing
Tries to convince me again
That maybe You forgot me
And I'm a bit insane
That maybe all I'm feeling
All that I ask and seek
Are nothing but emotions...
Fantasies of a freak.
Will You come, dear Abba
And tell my heart the truth?
All I want is Your whisper
I don't need other proof.
Will You come, dear Abba
And kiss my heart again?
Remind me I'm Your daughter
Anything, but insane.
Come once again and tell me
What you said on that day
That mountains might be shaking
But you won't go away
The hardest thing for a rejected heart to accept, is that it won't happen again.
"Yes, they might love you now, but you just give them a bit of time. They will abandon you same way the others did before." The same two all familiar phrases that haunt you every time someone show they care. It's hard enough to believe when the person is there next to you, even though you see their eyes and hear their words spoken time and time again.
What's even harder is when you can't see The One telling you He won't leave you. You feel Him and His love and care all around you like a warm blanket on a cold day, but what if it is all just wishful thinking? I think this was my hardest battle with myself. I fought this battle for over ten years and I still do.
This week I didn't feel too well physically and it affected me emotionally as well. Those dark thoughts mentioned in Psalm 94:19. I was laying there in bed thinking "What if after all this, I get before Him at the end and He tells me to go away because He doesn't know me?" Oh, of course I reminded myself of all those verses where He promises time and time again that He won't abandon us, that He never rejects those who go to Him for refuge. But it didn't help. The nagging "what if" would not budge. And as always when emotions fail me, logic is my last weapon. I was surprised to find this thought in my heart, my answer to the "what if"- "Even if He would reject me after all this, I was happier looking for Him all around me, than I ever was when I didn't. If at the end, this proves to be in vain, at least my heart knows that I found in Him the only way I know how to truly live, be myself and be happy. After all this...even if...He would still be my only choice in this life."
Why am I writing all this making myself once again ridiculously vulnerable? Because I know at least two people out there right now who go through the same battle. And this is for them- He didn't leave you!
Philip Yancey, one of my favourite authors, once wrote "I know only two alternatives to hypocrisy: perfection or honesty." In all honesty I will always acknowledge that I can't achieve perfection in anything that I try. Not even follow my God, no matter how much I love Him and no matter how much I want to. It is hard not to question and doubt, and I don't even think He wants us not to. It is only after fighting doubt and fear to let go completely, for years, that you find yourself one day in the midst of the very same nagging thoughts, choosing God not out of emotions or "because", but "in spite of" like the most logical thing in your world.
All my life, my own father abandoned me when I needed him the most. The hardest thing for me to accept was the "never"part of God's promise "Never leave you". But through all these years I came to understand that "Never" same as "For ever" are words from His world. Words that only an eternal God can speak. Words which are outside of the limits of my current existence. Never means never- not here and now and not there and then. I came to understand that I can't be separated from Him because of this"never". That for as long as I look to Him, He will never look away. No matter how many questions I ask, or how many doubts consume me. Every promise I ever made God I broke! But because of that "never" every promise He ever made me He kept and all along the way I heard His whisper in my heart "Never leave you..." People ask me whether I have any proof that God exists. My strongest witness is my own experience. I don't need other proof.
Im Telech (If you leave- translation from Hebrew)
If you leave, who will hold me like this
Who will hear me at the end of the day
Who will sooth and comfort me, only you know how to
And if you leave, who will I wait for in the window,
in a holiday dress, to come and hold me like this, as you come home.
When you leave, I will go to out to the sun in the golden field, morning and evening.
The moon, will light up my face which dreams only of you all day long.
When you return, you will carry me with both arms,
from the field to the river, wash my face
and tell me words, as only you know how to.
