My God given right

“I call heaven and earth to witness this day against you that I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live” (Deuteronomy 30:19)

“Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry” (Psalm 34:12-15 and Peter also quoted it in 1Peter 3:10-12)

I had to do some soul searching the last two days, and in a specific area of my life I discovered deep at the bottom there was fear. This fear motivated every decision, thought, action, attitude in that specific are of my life.

If in anything I do, my foundation is not God, there’s no point for me to carry on building, because it will either all crumble to the ground here, or it will be burnt under His eyes, when I get to finally see Him. (1 Corinthians 3:11-15)

I am an eternal creature. My body dies but I- the sould never will. So why would I want to spend my days building something that has not got an eternal foundation. Do I take anything with me from here which is not eternal?

God Gave us free will, this desire to be free to choose. If anyone would tell us at any point that we no longer have it, we would fight to keep it, because we understand and we know that this is a God given right- a gift. God loves our free will, and we bring joy to His heart when we use it to choose good, because He knows we can always opt not to do that.

He wants us to seek His Face, to seek His guidance in all the aspects of our lives, to put His Word in our hearts and get to know Him, but there comes a day when He wants us to use all these “tools” and choose, make a decision. If we sit there and wait for Him to choose for us, why did He even give us free will? Do we need it?

Philip Yancey talks about the difference between approaching God in a childish or a childlike manner. By childish we understand someone who can’t tie his own shoe laces, whom can’t be trusted with any kind of responsibility. Childlike, is what Yeshua meant when He told us that we have to be like children in order to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven- full of trust.

If all I do is wait for God to make decisions in my place, I personally think is a way of avoiding the responsibility of my own choice. If I say God took me to a certain place and I don’t like it there, then I can blame God for it, because after all He’s the one who brought me there, all I’ve done was follow, right? But if I am the one who chooses, then I have only me to blame and that’s hard to carry. “Yeah, but if I am the one who chooses then where do I get to see His grace, His mercy, His guidance, where do I get to use my trust in Him?”

Lets say I have to make a decision about something. I walk with God everyday, I think I know His character (a little bit at least), I read His Word, I pray, I fast and I seek His will for that specific situation. The time comes for me to give an answer/ make a decision and I still can’t say 100% I know what I’m suppose to do. I get to use my faith and prove my trust in God, when I take the step and I believe He will bless my step. That very moment is when, even though I am a bit nervous, I feel peace and trust, because I know that not even for a second do I step alone. I believe He loves me enough to sustain me every day of my life. And if the step I happened to take proves not to be the best one, it’s all part of the lesson called life, and I have within my grasp His mercy and His grace which can turn any bad thing for good.

Many times I will choose well and the result will not be good for me. This doesn’t mean that I didn’t choose good, it just means that I live in a world a bit alien to the things of God, which most of the time stands against the things I stand for. Therefore trouble is part of the journey, as Yeshua already warned us.

I think there are two ways a human can relate to God- as a child or as an adult. There seem to be three phases in the human life- childhood, adulthood and parenthood. We will never be God’s “parents”- so we only have two options left. My friend, Tina, sent me a song yesterday. The lyrics were “Dancing with my Father God in fields of grace.” I love that thought, because this is something I could never do with my earthly father. I feel many times I’m relating to God as a child and I absolutely cherish that feeling of comfort, safety- like nothing in this universe can touch me- pure joy…but I want more than that. I want more than feelings. I want God to speak to me. To be able to tell me anything He wishes, because I will not turn my back and I will not run away or rebel. In short, I want God to be able to trust me not to take off whenever things are hard, because I don’t like it. I would love to be an adult in God with the joy of a child. I want to use this free will that He gave me and choose good, choose to bless, seek peace and chase it. And at the end when I’ll stand before Him and He will ask me “What have you done with your life, Emma?” to be able to tell Him. “I waisted a lot of it, Adonai sheli. I rebelled, I fought You, I fell and I ran away, but a day came along when I began to use all that You’ve given me and I chose good and life For Your Name’s sake.”

I come from a very much Christian background, the sort of Christian background where you just do it, you don’t ask questions. I am very familiar with the doctrine “God must live through me,” and in its true biblical sense, I love this idea. It seems to have its main foundation on apostle Paul’s letter to Galatians: “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!(Galatians 2:20-21)

All over his letters to the churches he planted, apostle Paul talks about a life which has its roots in God’s Spirit, where I no longer do the things I used to do- “works of the flesh” but instead for the sake of the One who sacrificed everything for me, I choose good, blessing, life- “the works of the Spirit”. He does not tell us we are dead. He actually says ”The life I live in the body, I live by faith”. That implies I am still alive and kicking, not paralysed in one place not doing anything or making any choices.

What has been crucified with Christ? What is it that’s dead? The old Emma- the Emma that lived only for her own desires. Nowhere do I find these verses telling me I no longer exist, they actually tell me I am alive but I don’t live for myself anymore, I live for Yeshua, trusting completely in what He did for me. And I do not live this life trying to impress Him or gain His approval. I simply live everyday for His sake, seeking to choose good rather than evil.

“Stop doing wrong, learn to do right! Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow.” (Isaiah 1:16b-17)

We all live and make choices every single day. The difference between me and those who do not believe in God, is that I live and choose out of love for God, they live and choose for their own sake.

A God nearby- A God far away

"Am I only a God nearby," declares the LORD, "and not a God far away? Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?" declares the LORD. "Do not I fill heaven and earth?" declares the LORD." (Jeremiah 23:23-24)

"Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom." (Isaiah 40:27-28)

I had such an amazing week. It felt as if God sat me down after listening to weeks of my moaning and begging and complaining, the same way a parent sits his child down and asks "Ok, lets see why is this such a big deal?" I feel like someone who was out cold and just woke up and remembered her life. I understood this week that sometimes you can tell yourself you're looking for God but instead only look for an way out of your troubles. That if you take your eyes of the Almighty One of Israel and start to look at Him through the perspective of what you can do, it is very easy to end up in a place where your God is about your size and your problems are bigger than you both.

God is personal. What do I mean by that? He is Yeshua taking a body to be close to us and understand what it means for your eyes to grow tired, your back to hurt and your stomach to feel hungry. He is the One who comes and kneels by your side on an old dirty road where you crashed and can't stand up again. He is the One who puts His forehead on yours so that you would know it's not the end and you are not alone. But if I only see Him this way, as a God nearby, sometimes my human mind might forget that at the same time He is El Shaddai (The Almighty One), El Elyon (The Most High God), Yeshua HaMalech (Jesus, The King)
I might forget that I'm on the winning side here. That there's no need for me to win the battle all over again, that I already won it the minute I believe it and start acting as an overcomer. The battle is in my mind and if I believe Him and start acting as such, there is no one in this universe who can reduce me to a victim.
He remains the same, unchanged by my emotions, reactions, circumstances and failures. He knows when to be a God nearby, Yeshua, my friend who joins His palm with mine to give me strength, and when to be a God far away- The Almighty One, whom I can't comprehend with my mind or contain with the palm of my hand. He is The God "who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, and marked off the heavens with the breadth of his hand" (Isaiah 40:12)
Some days I think my efforts to understand Him are futile when I try to understand the magnitude and awesomeness of His Persona, but then I look at Yeshua and I see once again He wants to be known just as much as I want to know Him.

Something else I realised this week was how silly I am when I try to hide from my God. Why would you want to hide from Him? It's a natural human reaction when you "take a look" at the King. Isaiah, the prophet, thought he will die (Isaiah 6:5) John, the apostle, fell to the ground (Revelation 1:17). I want to hide, because for a split second I understand I should be dead, but for Yeashua's love. I feel so unworthy and inadequate that I would like to disappear, so I hide. But to hide from your God no matter how you feel, is just as silly as a child sitting in the middle of a group under the strong impression nobody can see him just because he covered his eyes.

And in the same way, I can't hide from Him, my cause is not hidden from Him. He has not disregarded my dreams or forgot the desires of my heart. "His understanding no one can fathom". It's not futile to want to understand Him or His character "I have not said to Jacob's descendants "Seek Me in vain" (Isaiah 49:23)
What is futile though, is to try to guess how He is going to work or His timing. It will never be as I imagine. This Monday, I thought it was too late for Him to help us. He proved to me once again that my 12 o'clock is not 12 o'clock for a timeless God. He made that person write a cheque for £250 at least two days before I thought it was too late. He began to help me, before I even started to get scared and panic, just as He promised "And it shall be that before they call I will answer; and while they are yet speaking I will hear. " (Isaiah 65:24)

What a God! And how happy I am to be His:-)

When God takes notice

"If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him" (Matthew 7:11)

Today, I had an amazing experience which I want to share with you all, because I want to thank Him publicly for being such a faithful God. Daniel and I had to deal with a bill which we couldn't afford to pay. The bill was £200 and had to leave our account today. We prayed and we hoped for something to happen, but a big part of us was doubting and being worried (as you do). I asked my friend, Tina to pray for us as well and she sent me the verse above by text reminding me of a conversation we had Saturday about how Abba (Hebrew for daddy) is not as our earthly fathers. As kind and good as they might be, they sometimes disappoint us, but Abba never will.
I had a hard day at work because on top of my work I tried not to think about the bill. At noon, Daniel called me to tell me a cheque has arrived through the post for £250 from someone who wanted to thank him for doing a good job on an album.

I feel in awe and ashamed, humbled and loved...I wanted to thank Him somehow. I thought "My words are not good enough. I'll thank you with some of King David's words since you loved his songs so much." But on my way to the Psalms, my eyes fell randomly on Job 19. I decided to read the whole chapter. It's very vivid, it's all human emotion lashing out at God because its afraid, confused and does not understand. You can almost feel Job's despair, hear his groans, see his tears:
"Pity me, pity me, O you my friends, for the hand of God has struck me. Why do you persecute me as God does, and are not satisfied with my flesh? Oh that my words were written! Oh that they were inscribed in a book! That with an iron stylus and lead they were engraved in the rock forever" Job 19:21-24

When I finished reading these verses, I almost wanted to say "And God granted him his wish!", because thousands of years after Job, I was reading his words in a book. For me the book of Job is like a trial where the prosecution and defense present their cases. In the beginning of the book, you might think Job is the one being judged, that God somehow is playing Job's life in some sort of a dice game. But by the time you finish this book, you realise God was the one being judged. It doesn't matter how many stupid, untrue, unkind things come out of Job's mouth in his suffering and despair, because he asked, God made sure all of Job's words were recorded in a book forever, just because Job wanted this. Is like God didn't even care about His reputation, he granted Job the desire of his heart with the risk of providing ammunition for millions and billions which came after Job and used Job's words against God, to misrepresent Him. In the end God came and defended Job when his friends criticised him and gave Job back far more than what was taken from him: "The LORD blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning" (Job 42:12)

I knew this. What I didn't realise before was the power of a request before God when you refuse to believe he will give up on you. This is what Job declared after he asked for his words to be written in a book: "I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes—I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!" (Job 19:25-27)

I've learnt today something new about God. First, if He doesn't care about His own reputation when it comes to one of our requests, how much more will He not take care of our needs? And second, what I class as 12th hour might not be 12 by God's clock.

I want to thank Him for being my Abba, my Shepherd who takes care of all my needs. And I want to thank Tina for being my big sister today. You cried with me and at the end of the day you laughed with me, like two soldiers who had a good day on the battlefield. May the Lord God of Israel bless you for your love and reward you as only He knows.

"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:32)

My colleague, Karen asked me today to ask God to help us win the lottery. I told her I did. She said I should insist (I think Karen is fed up with shopping at Tesco:-)) Karen then said that it would be nice not to have the worry about money anymore. Yeah, it would be nice, but as I told Karen, there are certain things I could never learn if God would hand me the winning lottery ticket (don't worry, Karen, I'll carry on praying). And today's lessons are precious to me. Money can be taken away from me, but I will never forget that on this day I've asked again for my Shepherd to meet my needs and He did.

Adonai Ro'i Lo Echsar- The Lord is my Shepherd!

Today, I just want to thank Him for being my Shepherd. These days I seem to re-discover little treasures I forgot I had, such as Psalm 23 or such as this amazing joy that springs in me for no reason and from no outside source- this joy of knowing that I am His and that He is taking care of me. I feel safe and secure and so protected, like you feel when you end up in a warm soft blanket after you've been in the cold. I've been through some difficult days which felt like they worn me out. I asked Him "Restore in me the joy of Your salvation. I want my heart to remember how happy it feels in knowing I am loved by You." This is the result. "Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength...Even young men stumble and fall...But those who wait upon the Lord..."
I don't know what's around the corner, but I will fear no evil. Whatever comes from You will comfort me, whatever I must go through will strengthen me. I will fear no evil for You are with me.
Toda raba, Adonai sheli, my warm blanket, my safe embrace, my refuge and my strength.







And I could not help myself. Check out this little sweetie. I love her eyes when she says "Surely?"



Amen, Zoei, "I shall not be in want...tah nah nah nah nah!"

I am a Christian, please don't hold me accountable

Yesterday, I was speaking with my sister. As always she asked me how I've been. I told her there were days I wanted to run somewhere and forget about this world, and other days when I felt like nothing can faze me. She told me "It's called life". Yeap, it is, but how do I react to it? I was looking for some pictures on Google and I came across a picture with a slogan written on a T-shirt: "I am a Christian. Please hold me accountable." To say that the slogan bugged me is an understatement. Why? Because, in my bad days (which seem to be many lately), I hope to God nobody holds me accountable on the basis that I am a Christian. If I ever came across on this blog as being someone who has it all sorted, that was never my intention. I write what I learn. Sometimes an article might be my thoughts after the first lesson. All I do is share my journey. I wish there would be more of us doing it, because as vulnerable as it makes you feel, it teaches you a great lesson- be real and say it as it is, one other soul in this world is bound to be in the same place and they will feel less lonely.

"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. " (Matthew 5:14-16, The Message)

He put His light in me and I'll shine it the best I can. If in some days I won't be a lighthouse, well then, I guess its the risk He took with me. All I can do is the best I can and in rest I'll keep on looking at Him and learn.
This has been a bit of a crazy year for me, If I would've known there would be so many storms, I would have invested in a raincoat:-) But it's childish to blame the storms for your reactions, this much I've learnt from the Son of God.
For weeks now my lesson is "Be still", all I come across is "in quietness and trust is your strength" (Isaiah 30:15)
So, I had a look at how The Son of God handled storms:

"Then Jesus got into the boat and started across the lake with his disciples. Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm." Matthew 8:23-27
I won't even comment on the fact that in the middle of the storm He was sleeping. I mean that in itself says it all. But what got my attention in this paragraph is the way He deals with the storm almost in bullet points. All the disciples see is the desperate situation they found themselves in (note to self, Emma) "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" Yeshua however, doesn't comment on the storm nor on the waves breaking into the boat threatening to drown them. He comments first on their fear and then on their lack of faith.
Scenario: Storm comes, you "observe" the effects with all your five senses and as a result give into fear. Fear paralyses your faith and stops you from thinking you could have any other possible reaction to that storm but complete panic. As a result the storm controls you. That's what He tried to show us: "Look, Emma, I didn't say they won't come. As a matter of fact I warned you they will, but your strength (or lack of it) will lay in how you react to the storms."

Then He stood up and pretty much told to storm to "Shut up!" and suddenly there was a great calm. Because of His attitude in front of the storm, He had the power to control the storm, the storm never had the power to control Yeshua. "Yeah, but He was God and I am only human" True, but He was also man and He had to make choices. The thing is, I can't "blame" His divinity in this. If I would be tempted to, six chapters later Peter shows me what happens if you hang in there. I might sound funny but I am convinced that by storm 500, Peter would've strolled on those waters. The point I guess, is don't quit just because you sink the first or second time and if you happen to see someone sinking don't judge them by their sinking, you never know, perhaps that person is the only one out of the whole boat who had the guts to try.

"About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, “It’s a ghost!”But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”“Yes, come,” Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?” (Matthew 14:25-31)

"Yeah, Emma, but Peter drowned as well" Yes, he did but that's besides the point, what matters is that he trusted for as long or as little as he did and for that he walked with God in a way you and I don't. Peter seemed to remember something from the last encounter with the wind and the sea "My Master can do anything" so he comes up with the craziest idea of them all "make me walk on water". Yeshua as always when seeing a glimpse of faith seems to be thrilled "Yes, come". And for a brief moment the fully human Peter defied the laws of physics, until his humanity took over and he started to sink. What remained with me again is the fact that Yeshua doesn't say to Peter "you had so little faith in yourself, you should've tried harder" He simply says "Why did you doubt Me, Peter?"

"Why do you doubt Me, Emma? Who told the last storm to "shut up" when it came against you?"

Both Yeshua and Peter teach me there are only two reactions in front of storms- quietness and trust. I sometimes lose it when the storm comes, because I forget He is there. It's all so loud and scary that I forget who told my last storm to "shut up!" And when I lose sight of Him, there's not really much left of Emma. There's only one thing I can be held accountable for- quiting. In rest yes, I am a Christian but please don't hold me accountable.

Emma

I know where I'm going:-)

"I am nothing, He is all. And because "all" fell in love with "nothing", this "nothing" can now be filled with "all". Emptiness is not my destiny anymore, because of this perfect, awesome God of mine. I'm not capable of anything by myself, not even trust You all the way, sweet Jesus. That's why I don't trust in my trust in You, I trust in Your faithfulness that will never be shaken. You are the Holy King of a Kingdom that can't be moved." Emma's journal- 12 March 2005

"Your purpose on earth is far from worthless, that's why ya glorified like your life's been purchased. And it don't matter if the world don't see us. We still mean the world to Jesus." Lacrae- Take me as I am

The more I look back through my notebooks, the more it becomes clear to me, that it is very hard for us to be tangled with, when we know who we are and what our place is in His heart. I heard so many things about "walking in the authority of Jesus", or how I should be able to do this and that in His Name. I am not disputing that. Absolutely, we have authority in His Name, but that's not what I'm talking about here. When I talk about "knowing who we are", I refer to a sense of identity, belonging, having a purpose. When we remember and He has a central place in our lives, things are very clear to us, but at the same time our identity will be always the first thing to be attacked in us when we want to stand tall for Him.

When He was on the earth and stood tall for the Father, that was His first battle: "Who are You, Jesus son of Joseph the carpenter? If You are the Son of God..." (Luke 4:1-13) Did He feel like the Son of God after 40 days of starvation in the wilderness? The God in Him probably did, I'm not so sure about the Man Jesus, though. Hebrews 4:15 says He was tempted in every way, just as we are, but without sin. I am human, I know what it means not to eat for a few days, I struggle to remember my name, not to push it as far as standing tall when tempted in my identity.

We all heard the sermons from Luke 4, of how He used the Word of God every time He was tested. "It is written..." is all He replied, and perhaps it escapes us sometimes how precious that moment was for the Man Jesus. He never said "You know what, satan, take a hike. I know I am the Son of God because I have this strong feeling in Me." Jesus didn't even address the point of who He was, as if that was not even in question.

Why didn't He say anything to defend His identity? I think it is because even though He came here Jesus always "remembered", He made it His mission to remember ("for I know where I came from and where I am going" John 8:14) . He was human, He had the same struggles, but even though He felt everything, He did not allow feelings to tell Him who He was. I love the end of Luke 4. After the devil leaves Him alone, He goes straight into a synagogue opens the book of Isaiah and quotes from chapter 61, what could only be called His mission statement, as if nothing happened, unfazed by questions or doubts: "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour."

I've been to many times in that place of discouragement and pain, to sit here and happily type that when you're there all you have to do is go, read the Bible and you will immediately feel like a child of God. You might hear that a lot on God Channel, if it works for you drop me a message, I'll stand corrected. If you only go to the Bible when you're in that place it's a little bit after 12 o'clock, if I can put it that way. My brother-in-law, Ian, told me once "Emma, when you find yourself in a dark place, look inside yourself and whatever still stands strong about God in you, is actually all you know about Him. Everything else is theory." I become aware of my identity in Him a little bit every day, brick by brick and if at the first storm all my bricks turn to dust, I don't give up, until at some point that storm comes again and I realise that whether big or small my wall is as unshakable as His Kingdom and I can find shelter behind it. That wall is my identity, my shield and every brick from that wall is a moment from my walk with God- a prayer answered, a situation He got me out of, circumstances that only He could have changed. Those are real. Those are not sermons I heard, or books I read, those are my moments with my God and they are so real they don't even constitute a question anymore.

Growing up in a communist country, in circumstances that sometimes felt like a battle I will never win, I didn't really feel safe growing up. I learnt not to trust or count on anyone, because in the end you're on your own anyway. So every time, I would mess up in my relationship with God or get discouraged my first thought would be "What's the point, He will abandon me anyway. I mean who would stick around for a mess like me?" Until one day I came across the Roman saying "Nomen est omen"- Names are destiny (or your name is your destiny). My name is Emanuela "God with us" in Hebrew, and I finally got it. He was with me the minute Emanuela took her first breath, He is with me everywhere I go and He will remain with me until the end. Now when I feel abandoned all I have to tell myself is "I am Emanuela- God with me." This is one of my bricks. I am sure you have many of them as well. One of my favourite words in Hebrew is Zakar, it means be remembered, be thought of, be brought to mind, remind, keep in remembrance, to mention, to record, to make a memorial, make remembrance. This pretty much sums up my relationship with God.

I guess the whole point of what I am saying here is you'll stand up if you remember. You've been through a journey this far, ask God to remind you. Jesus said the Holy Spirit will teach us all things and will remind us of everything He has said to us (John 14:26)

"But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God." John 1:12-13

Are you stirred up or neutralised?

Yesterday I heard a great sermon by Dennis Philips, an amazing man of God. To pretty much sum it up in a question would be "Are you stirred up or discouraged?" Dennis was telling us that to be discouraged is to be neutralised. Like a car without petrol you simply stop in one place. And then the questions, the doubts, the fears budge in. I think I'll forever fight discouragement with all I've got, not just because I had and still have to fight against it so much, but because I hate to look into the eyes of a child of God and see the light gone.

My general first reaction to discouragement is to run and hide and possibly stay there until God comes to me like He did to Elijah: "What are you doing here, Elijah?"(1 Kings 19:9) Something like "I was, Lord, but I am no more." What's the source of our discouragement? Well, I guess it might be many things- hardship, unanswered prayers, people bad mouthing us, tiredness. Where does it start? In my case is in my mind and then if allow it, it reaches my heart. We start to see ourselves as failures, possibly believe we might struggle like this for as long as we live and then fear of even trying again sneaks in. In times like these I feel God the same way He went to Adam and Eve after they sinned. Adam began to tell God how they hid because they were naked. God simply asked him: ""Who told you that you were naked?" (Genesis 3:11)
"Who told you, you're a failure? Who told you you'll never make it? Who told you I'm upset and angry? Who's accusing you, My child?"

Rightly so, who's accusing us? "Who shall bring any charge against God's elect [when it is] God Who justifies [that is, Who puts us in right relation to Himself? Who shall come forward and accuse or impeach those whom God has chosen? Will God, Who acquits us?] Who is there to condemn [us]? Will Christ Jesus (the Messiah), Who died, or rather Who was raised from the dead, Who is at the right hand of God actually pleading as He intercedes for us?" (Romans 8:33-34, Amplified Bible)

And since we are so much more eager to believe accusations, how do we fight this weakness? I love the way the Jewish nation is so focus on remembering. Eli Wiesel said: "I marvel at the resilience of the Jewish people. Their best characteristic is their desire to remember. No other people has such an obsession with memory." Why? Because, if I know I am Emma, there's no way you'll convince me I am Mary. We're far less likely to become discouraged and lied to, if we remember our walk with God. When it hurts what seems most real is our pain, but pain will never be more real than the truth. And what is true is our walk with God so far. The tricky part is being able to remember. Philip Yancey calls it spiritual amnesia. I didn't know it had a name, but I started fighting it by writing down. I will forever write down everything, I will leave road signs for myself for when I struggle and feel lost. Because it's then when I go back and start reading. Notebook number one, number two, number seven...until I remember... "I am not a failure. I am a fighter. Look how many times I stood up in the past, look how many times God helped me, see how much it hurt that day and check out how happy and hopeful I was on the next page." The truth will remain the same no matter what we feel- we're not alone, and The One who brought us this far, did not invest all His love and time in us only to abandon us now. He'll never do it. It's ok, lift up your heart and see He never left. You're not a failure, you're more than mistakes and for as long as you don't give up He guarantees you'll make it. He is our strength and He'll never fail us. It's ok.

If you struggle right now and you don't even know where to begin to pick yourself up, not to mention stir yourself up, I am here for you. Leave me a message. I promise I will not publish it, just let me pray for you. I didn't plan to write this today, but you're on my heart. So, whoever you are, it's ok. He's not accusing you and He's not upset. He just wants you to remember you're not alone.

Your sister,

Emma

P.S. This is for you:-)
"Speak To Me"- Audio Adrenaline

"I'm in a fix
Need something quick
My mind is numb
My stomach sick
Broken hearts
Hopeless things
I've seen what defiance brings
Cause the light of day
I've always known
Is in my heart
I'm not alone

Speak to me
Tell me all the things I need to know
I want to hear you now
Can you speak to me
I've opened up your word to free me
I want to hear you now

It's amazing
How I forget
Can't live my life
For lack of it
But the light of day
I've always known
It's in my heart
I'm not alone

Speak to me
Tell me all the things I need to know
I want to hear you now
Can you speak to me
I've opened up your word to free me
I want to hear you now

Make your wisdom clear
The words I hold so dear
Bring the light into my dark
I hide them inside my heart"