So, I keep going...

I woke up this morning at 5,30, as I usually do these days, with a desparate desire to tell Him how I feel.
If I look inside myself these last few weeks everything is a contradiction. I feel defeated, yet I know I'm not. I doubt and yet I see Him doing again things I can't deny. I feel lost but somehow at the same time I feel held tight like in a warm snuggle.

So, in trying to describe all this to Him, I manage to write my first poem. It's in English so bare with me. Anyone who knows me is aware I am mentally incapable of riming:-) I am sharing this with you for all those who feel the same conflict I described above. As always, my message is the same- you are not alone. And something else, He knows...He knows how hard it is, so close your eyes, take a deep breath and keep going.

So I keep going

Surprised by joy, amazed by grace
I walk this path of mine
And I am struggling everyday
Between the mundane and devine

Once in a while I see Your Face
I stretch my hand- You're gone
I die a little bit inside
Still, know I'm not alone...

I tell myself "Do not give up!
He didn't- for your sake.
Keep going, daughter, you'll be fine
There is a purpose to this race."

So, I keep going, though I'm not fine
And though I ache inside...
Because You said I have a place
That Your home's also mine."

Bat Tzion

Why do they tell me to praise Him?

"Remember to praise His work. Men sing about it. Everybody has seen it. people look at it from far off. God is so great! He is greater than we can understand!" (Job 36:24-26)

"Look to the sky and see. Look at the clouds so high above you. If you sin it does nothing to God. Even if your sins are many they do nothing to God. If you are good you give nothing to God. He receives nothing from your hand. Your evil ways only hurt a man like yourself. And the good you do only helps other human beings." (Job 35:5-8)

Any good parent and mentor knows that praise builds confidence in a child. This seems to remain applicable throughout our existence. Somehow it provides nourishment to our minds and souls or to use one of the expressions in English that greatly amuses me- it boost our confidence.
If you search through the Bible and look at the lives of the men and women whom walked closely with Him, they strongly advise you to "praise the Lord!" or "To sing praises to the Lord!" as if they discovered the best kept secret. It seems to be a must if you want intimacy with God.

Because of my inquisitive nature, my next question obviously is "Why?"
Does He require my praises for the same reasons I require His- to boost my confidence? Why am I asked so often to praise God?

Well there is the obvious reason- God is far Greater than I am and He deserves to be worshiped. I know that already, because the majority of Christian songs now days seem to contain this phrase as if there is nothing left to say about God. And that's fine, but that's just not good enough for me. God is far more than a Great All-Powerful God who diserves worship. All the religions around me will tell me the same about their gods. The major difference is that my God has a heart. A heart big enough to contain us all. And that heart is what I am after. That is why I read, seek, ask questions... Whenever I read the Bible, whether His words are sweet and comforting or harsh, I try to see His heart behind the words, same way you do when someone is speaking and you're looking into their eyes.

So the question remained in me everytime I would come accross verses that would tell me to look around me at what He created and praise Him. Is it because He needs my praise? Would God still be Great if no one would notice His Greatness?

I found my answer this week in something very simple and sweet. My mum tried her hand at gardening this year. She planted flowers, apple trees, cherry trees, vegetable and strawberries. Out of all her hard work, strawberries brought the most imediate result. Beautiful, big, jucy strawberries now cover her plot. A crop good enough for my mum to make jam.
Because all of us are away from her either in a different country or a different city, my mum got her camera out and sent us pictures of her strawberry crop. Why? Because we are away from her in a foreign land and she wants to get us involved in her world, for the sake of our relationship, to keep alive the closeness and intimacy our family shares. My mum has enough people praising her crop, from neighbours to relatives and visitors. But she sent us pictures because she wanted to share her joy with us.

I understand now it's the same with God, my Abba. He's sorounded by angels and creatures I can't even imagine when I read their description. They stand before His face and the only thing they can say when they look at Him is "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty!" Beat that, Emma:-)
God put a little bit of Himself in everything that He created. So when I take the time to look around me and notice, I actually acknowldge Him. Praising God is for my sake not for His. In one of her last articles my sister wrote "What I know is that I am always before His eyes, to compensate for the fact that I can’t see Him. He always listens to me to compensate for me not being able to hear Him. He always holds me to compensate for me not being able to touch Him. He is always near to compensate for the distance that I feel. He always comforts me to compensate that I feel Him against me. He is my Father to compensate for the fact that I feel orphaned. He is my road to compensate for me feeling lost.. He is my everything, to compensate for me not having anything…"

As far as God is concerned, He is already near, loving me and comforting and guiding me. It is I who needs reminders. Praise is nothing else than acknowledging God. When you acknowldge Him in what you see around you, something beautiful happens to you. All of the sudden that is not just a flower, that is a flower created for you. You feel loved and cared for and your imediate reaction is thankfulness. When asked how he met God, Philip Yancey said that he was so moved by the beauty sorounding him that he desperately wanted to thank someone. I know that feeling well. When I take a walk through Abba's Garden I want to thank Him for loving me, even though He gains nothing from it.

What does He want from me?

"These troubles come to prove that your faith is pure. This purity of faith is worth more than gold, which can be proved to be pure by fire but will ruin. But the purity of your faith will bring you praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is shown to you." 1 Peter 1:7

"You were bought, not with something that ruins like gold or silver, but with the precious blood of Christ, who was like a pure and perfect lamb." 1 Peter 1:18b-19

The more I am put in circumstances where I feel things are being asked of me or that I a "losing rights", I come to see very practically that God is not asking of me anything that He didn't give first. One precious lesson was when He taught me how not to give up. I came to understand that He didn't give up for my sake no matter how horrible it all became, and that thought motivated me and it birthed in me this desire not to give up for His sake no matter how hard it gets. He didn't give up first, so I'm not going to give up either.

Then shame and guilt and pain because of failure used to keep me at distance from Him. I was avoiding Him because I was ashamed of myself. Then I found the verse from Hebrews 12:2 "...But he accepted the shame as if it were nothing because of the joy that God put before him" (Romanian translation "He despised shame"). I realised He ignored pain and shame only to be with me, so I won't allow pain and shame to keep me away. It hurts me when I forget that I am part of His reward for the price He paid. He deserves to have the whole of me because He gave Himself completely. So I won't deny Him His time with me only because guilt tells me otherwise. There are two perfect words in God's Kingdom, powerful enough to break any walls between us- Forgive me.

I read this morning the paragraphs above from 1 Peter- troubles most often than not have a meaning- they test my faith. I read that for God my pure trust in Him is more precious than gold, because as oppose to gold pure faith can't be destroyed. How does this pure faith behave? Like this: "You have not seen Christ, but still you love him. You cannot see him now, but you believe in him. So you are filled with a joy that cannot be explained, a joy full of glory." 1 Peter 1:8
He only asks this pure faith of me because of the pure price He paid to have me- the blood of His precious Son, The Perfect, Spotless One.

What does He want from me? Nothing He didn't give already.

Realness

Many of us these days are a bit fed up with empty phrases, and long for realness. A bit of something beyond the same songs, same sermons, same old...I discover realness and beauty that blesses me, when I hear people telling me about their relationship with God. They make Him feel so close. I see Him in their eyes shining, in their passionate words, in their blinking eyes that try to hide the moist, in the longing that transpires from them when they speak. I rather hear a child of His "fighting" with Him and asking "why" or "where" or "how", than to be somewhere where people try in vain to convince me of His presence as a Pepsi advert that promises to quench thirst but remains just a banner on a building. One of the real people that I love listening to when she speaks about her relationship with God, is my sister. The only way nothing moves in you is if you are made out of stone or you make yourself be one. I asked for her permission to translate her last posting. Some accused her of "humanising" God too much by relating to Him in this way. I find it bizarre for one to dictate to another how they should love, but then again some people do actually think they know everything in this world better than anyone. What my sister wrote is not for them. It is for those of us who long and miss and stretch a hand wanting to touch and close our eyes wanting to see. It it for those who hunger, who are completely sold out, those whom have tried everything and nothing else satisfies. What my sister wrote is for those who feel unworthy to be loved, for those who feel guilty and ashamed and want to hide. For those who begin to say "Lord..." but they don't know what else to tell Him and really hope that their heart says enough. "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied. " (Matthew 5:6) And know perhaps it is hard for us to get our head around this, but when He came for us He practically did say "I can't be an eternity without you...and you... and you..." Faithful (by Bat Melech, 23 March 2011)

Two Brothers

In my last posting I wrote: "Don't get me wrong, the opposite applies. If you pick on Israel only for the sake of sounding wise yourself, if you present me with the last piece of manipulated BBC news, and then speak things that are completely against God's Word, I won't be quiet. I might ask you a few questions:-)"
It didn't take long until I came across this, and again in church out of all places. It is again about the Law of Moses no longer being valid and Israel being replaced as God's people. So I went back to "Gospel according to Jesus" -Matthew 5-7, to see what my Lord thinks on the matter: "Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:17-20)

I can already hear some "Emma, why talk about the Law now? You know that's a bit of a sore topic." Why do I care about the Law? God chose Israel to be His people, a nation of priests walking in His holiness and show the light of The One True God to all the world. He gave them the Law to guide them and teach them how to become that. Israel were not born priests. They were meant to become priests. They had to undergo a transformation from a nation of slaves to a nation of priests and the Law was their Teacher. And because God knew them to be "just a little bit stubborn" He also attached drastic consequences for disobeying their Teacher.
Then a Jew came one day. "He came to His own but they did not recognise Him" (John 1:11) He died for all those who would recognise Him as the Son of God. He used His life to teach us and His Blood to adopt us. Through His sacrifice God attached all those who would recognise Him to His family of priests. Here's another Jew (Apostle Peter) telling us what we have now become "But you are a chosen people, royal priests, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession. You were chosen to tell about the wonderful acts of God, who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." (1 Peter 2:9) But I fail to see where exactly have we become this instead of Isreal, rather than with Israel. We were meant to become one family, but we turned against our older brothers and declared them worthless and replaceable. We haunted them down and killed as many as we could for over two thousand years. We haunted them so much, that Israel's obsession became survival at all costs. And now we sit here in awe at "their blindness" asking ourselves how come they can't see Jesus. Oh, they see Jesus, alright. Is just that we made sure for over two millennia they will forever associate His Name with torture, death, assimilation and extermination. As far as they are concerned, Israel's fight for survival carries on today. They fight military for their land and they fight spiritually for their belief in The One True God of Israel. I keep asking those who comment about "their blindness"- "If a Hindu would come to you and try time and time again to drill into you, that one of their gods is the one true god and you will burn in hell for not accepting their god, would you abandon Jesus and go after their god?" As far as that Hindu is concern aren't you just as blind as you accuse that Jew to be? They lived among us for two thousand years but priests and missionaries made sure that generation after generation they knew full well they are the "Christ killers". For a Jew, God is Almighty and All Powerful. Imagine what questions we create in their heads when we tell them our God can be killed by a handful of people in a small Roman province. We sit here and every time we have the Lord's Supper we remember what Jesus did for us. How He chose to die for all of us. And then we get out of our churches to comment on forums about the "Christ killers". Can someone please make up their mind? The Jews got so fed up with this that the worst thing you can be for a Jew today is what they call "a missionary". Someone bent on telling them how blind they are and how they will burn in hell. Of course that doesn't sit well with us because we only look at today's picture and conveniently forget what we did to them in the past.
Apostle Paul associates them with an olive tree which had some of its branches broken off and some wild branches joined instead. He carries on saying: "You non-Jewish people are like the branch of a wild olive tree that has been joined to that first tree. You now share the strength and life of the first tree, the Jews." (Romans 11:17)
Notice he says "you now share" not "you now replace". So if the Law given to Moses is a guide and a teacher to them and we are attached to their roots, should we take notice or dismiss that Law?
If our Lord and Saviour, the Jew who died to attach us to this tree, used such clear words to explain His view on the Law, if He considered the Law something so important in fact, that He made sure He fulfilled it, should we cross off those pages in our Bibles and write next to them not applicable?
I heard some saying that Jesus fulfilled the Law so that we don't have to fulfill it anymore. But then why is He saying "For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished"?
Did He fulfil it so that we would dismiss it for being "oh, so last season", or did He fulfil it so that we would not receive the punishment for breaking it every single time? I know Apostle Paul was eager to dismiss the Law as bringing us punishment. But the same man said: "So the law is holy, and the command is holy and right and good. Does this mean that something that is good brought death to me? No! Sin used something that is good to bring death to me. This happened so that I could see what sin is really like; the command was used to show that sin is very evil." Isn't that what a teacher does? Work on my weak points and develop my strong ones? Should I dismiss the Law only because it shows me my weaknesses? Or should I use what it shows me to ask God to develop that in me and grow me?

These are questions that I had to ask myself a while ago and I found my answers. I pray I will carry on finding them. I am not here to tell anybody what to do. Each one of us who are after God must find their own answers and live by them.

I am also absolutely not here to declare there is any other way to our salvation but Jesus, Son of God. The Law will not save me, but I am now convinced the Law will teach me and transform me into a better child of God. I am convinced because I saw its practical results in my life. What do I mean by a better child of God?
Last night one of my dear friends of mine was asking me some questions about Matthew 5:5 "So, you must be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect." (Jesus's words) In the context Jesus is talking about how we should love our enemies, not just those who love us. That we should be as our Father, who makes His sun shine on the good and the bad. To love your enemy, is a notion as foreign to our human nature as it can be. It goes against all our instincts. It is not something you're born with, it is something you practice every time someone breaks your heart and damages you or those you love. My friend was asking me "Does God expect me to be perfect, Emma? I can't be perfect, surely He knows that."
God knows full well we are not perfect. I don't believe God ever wanted a human delivered to Him with a red ribbon and in perfect shape when He chose us. Otherwise He wouldn't have repeatedly chose outcasts, sinners, unimportant people. He wouldn't have chosen a nation of slaves (a small nation at that) to turn them into a nation of priests. God is in the business of transformation. One of His greatest characteristics (one I love so much) is that He turns evil for good and creates something out of nothing. I don't believe God expects us to be perfect the minute we start walking with Him. The idea of "walking" involves a continuous progressive action. But He certainly does expect us to try every single day. Not because this would make us more acceptable to Him (we are already accepted) but because He knows trying everyday transforms us.
I believe He said "you must" because He knows we are fickle creatures, inconsistent in all our ways and He wanted to install in us a mindset that will not compromise. If I wake up everyday determined to live for God, I might not be perfect by the end of the day but I will certainly try. The Law of Moses, guides us in the smallest detail and it is so clear cut and practical that it is unlikely you would get confused. Why such adversity to it? If it convicts my concience why not choose to take that before God and do something about it, rather than speak against it sometimes with more adversity than it is used when standing against evil?
So when I say a better child of God that is what I mean. A transformed creature, one who understands God's good, pleasing and perfect will.(Romans 12:2) The Bible says we were adopted. When a child is adopted, it comes into a new family which he did not belong to by birth. His new family has house rules, relationships and habits, that the new child as a member of the family at least gets familiarised with even if he chooses not to adopt them. When you say something is no longer valid at least you should know what you dismiss, but I ask my brothers to tell me things from the Law that are no longer valid and they haven't got a clue what to answer me. So how can you dismiss something you don't even know? How can you enter into a family enjoy the benefits and forfeit the house rules and habits. You can't use Israel's promises if you separate yourself from Israel. It is not fine and dandy to cross their name off and add yours instead because Jeremiah 29:11 sounds good to your ears, but Deuteronomy and Leviticus does not.
For those with their stones prepared to throw at me (as it happens every time I write about Israel), I am not publishing your comments because nothing antisemitic will sit next to the name of Israel on my blog. I think my older brothers suffered enough at our hands, to allow their name to be tarnished again on something that is mine. I could debate with you, I could ask you how come you become rude and aggressive when its about them? What makes you react like that? But as I mentioned before this blog is called Road Signs- Emanuela's Journey. It is my journey, my questions and my answers. And it is as simple as if you don't like what you read, don't read it anymore and focus instead on your journey, your questions and your answers.

Emma

"Cover your brother's nakedness"

"For that reason we should stop judging each other. We must make up our minds not to do anything that will make another Christian sin...Do not allow what you think is good to become what others say is evil. In the kingdom of God, eating and drinking are not important. The important things are living right with God, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. Anyone who serves Christ by living this way is pleasing God and will be accepted by other people...So let us try to do what makes peace and helps one another...Your beliefs about these things should be kept secret between you and God." (Romans 14:13-22)

The other day I made the "fatal mistake" of writing these verses in my notebook:

"Others, Lord, yes others
Let this my motto be
Help me to live for others
That I may live for Thee."

Then I went even further by telling God I really meant this and that I want Him to teach me how not to be so selfish with things that are important to me, such as "me time", but to teach me how to love like He loves. I should've known this is the sort of prayer that should have attached to it "Warning! You are now entering dangerous territory!" So it started, of course. It seems like all I come across when I read is "Love, Emma. Forgive as you are being forgiven. Don't judge, My girl, perhaps they don't do it with a mean heart. Perhaps they just don't understand."
It is so easy to sin. Second nature. I don't even have to think about it, it just comes out of me. None of those who truly met God want to sin (by sin I understand what the Bible classes as sin). No matter how "close" or "far away" we are, there is this deep desire planted in us to live for Him as He asks. Bat Melech, my sister:-), has this thing she keeps saying "Emma, cover your brother's nakedness" (Genesis 9:20-27) If I know someone provoked and attacked in what she believes, that's Bat Melech. You can't help it when you stand for Israel like she does, it comes with the territory. But no matter how upset or exasperated she becomes, I hear her "Cover your brother's nakedness" Meaning, if I know a brother or a sister of mine is struggling in a certain area, I don't go and poke exactly in that area only to get a reaction. Or, if I have a conversation with someone and I see they really struggle with something that I say, out of love for them, I should stop. Why bring out the worst in them only to get my point across? They try just as much as I do to keep themselves for the Lord and want just as much as I do to walk in love, so why put a stumbling block in front of them only to make them fall and be judged by people that are already watching them thoroughly from the minute they said "I believe"?

"Cover your brother's nakedness" Don't provoke for the sake of sounding wiser or more "spiritual". A clear example from my life. Many Christians I come in contact with either don't understand Israel and God's relationship with them or they completely misjudge them because of what they've heard being preached. So why go somewhere and say something about Israel only to aggravate my brothers and make them sin by getting angry, judging me, and speaking against something they might not even understand.
Don't get me wrong, the opposite applies. If you pick on Israel only for the sake of sounding wise yourself, if you present me with the last piece of manipulated BBC news, and then speak things that are completely against God's Word, I won't be quiet. I might ask you a few questions:-) But I won't start conversations that I know will lead to someone getting angry and upset only to show how many things I know on the topic. If someone is interested, they can come and ask me and maybe we can have a nice conversation. But if someone comes only interested in provoking, I learnt to smell them from a mile and to be quite frank, Israel is to precious to me to drag it in polemics only to satisfy someone's ego (mine included).

This is just an example, but the principal in itself can be applied to everything in life. Don't cause someone to sin or fall only to show yourself wiser or better. "Cover your brother's nakedness"

Thank you, Bat Melech. You told me this so many times and I failed to see it. I know this is a lesson we are both still learning, because it is hard not to react when someone attacks something that's precious to you. But I've seen you so many times controlling yourself based on this principal and with God's help, I think I get it now. Thank you. xxx

When an answer doesn't come

"John the Baptist was in prison, but he heard about what the Christ was doing. So John sent some of his followers to Jesus. They asked him, "Are you the One who is to come, or should we wait for someone else?"Jesus answered them, "Go tell John what you hear and see: The blind can see, the crippled can walk, and people with skin diseases are healed. The deaf can hear, the dead are raised to life, and the Good News is preached to the poor. Those who do not stumble in their faith because of me are blessed." (Matthew 11:2-6)
"If you throw us into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from the furnace. He will save us from your power, O king. But even if God does not save us, we want you, O king, to know this: We will not serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up." (Daniel 3:17-18)

What do you do when you are in a difficult place, like John was? You do all the right things- you pray, you fast, you keep close watch on your life, you seek the guidance of God and people and weeks later nothing seems to have changed?

What do you do when nagging thoughts keep popping into your mind "Maybe God didn't listen to you. Maybe He's upset with you. I mean He says where two or three gather in His Name, He is there. That if you ask anything in His Name it will be given to you. He either doesn't listen to you because of something you've done, or He's not even real and you're deceiving yourself."

What do you do when Doubt takes you to court for lack of evidence?

Perhaps John was sitting there in Herod's prison thinking "If He is the Messiah, He will get me out of here. I've done everything I had to do. I prepared the way for Him. He will get me out of here." But time passed and there was no sign of Jesus. So perhaps thoughts would come "Where is He? Surely He knows what's happening to me, doesn't He? Or maybe He doesn't. Maybe He's not the Messiah. I'll send someone to check."

So he sends some of his followers to Jesus. John was Jesus's cousin, he was there when the voice was heard from heaven at Jesus's baptism "This is My Son, whom I love; with Him I am well pleased." (Matthew 3:17)
I am surprised Jesus didn't say "Go back to John and tell him. I beg your pardon, John, but where were you on that day? How many times have you seen and heard those things whilst baptising people?" But Jesus doesn't say that. Instead he gives John a long list of the signs and miracles that were happening and then he tells him: "The person who doesn't lose faith because of Me, is blessed." Then Jesus carries on saying to those who witnessed the discussion, that of all those who lived John is the greatest, but that even the least important person in the kingdom of heaven is greater than John. For a long time that remark puzzled me. Why? I mean John literally only lived for God. He gave all his live away to God?
But then I saw something similar at apostle Paul. An almost obsession to make it (Philippians 3:13-14). Why? Because he saw things. He saw miracles, he heard the Lord speaking directly to him, he saw the things to come. When you witness things like those, that increases your responsibility before God. We all crave to see signs and miracles, but what good are miracles if they don't change you forever. If afterwards you end up somewhere asking yourself if all this is real, those signs and miracles were nothing else but displays of power. Jesus perform the most miracles in Korazim, Bethsaida, and Capernaum. Still He ends up saying "I did many miracles in you. If those same miracles had happened in Tyre and Sidon, then the people there would have changed their lives a long time ago. "(Matthew 11:21)

Supernatural deliverance doesn't always achieve the same results as faithful endurance. It's harsh and it's painful but I've seen it in my life and in the life of others around me to be true. God can do the same miracles He did back then, but what's the use if a few months later we end up questioning again?

What I'm learning these days (I don't enjoy this lesson by the way), is that no matter how much I hate endurance, no matter how desperately I want my King to come on a white horse and save me, like John did, this endurance gave birth to something in me. A sort of resolution. It almost pushed me in a corner where I had to choose like Sadrac, Mesac and Abed-Nego (Daniel 3)- if He doesn't come at all will I bow my knee? Will I accept those thoughts as being truth? Will I exchange all I know about God, all that I lived with Him these years just because I've done everything He said and "things don't happen"? And what do I mean by "things don't happen"?
When John asked, Jesus gave him a list as long as his arm of things that were happening, it just wasn't what John wanted to happen...

What do I do when Doubt takes me to court for lack of evidence? I tell it:
"He who vindicates me is near. Who then will bring charges against me? Let us face each other! Who is my accuser? Let him confront me! It is the Sovereign LORD who helps me. Who will condemn me?" (Isaiah 50:8-9)

Why? Because I choose to remember that blessed is he who doesn't lose faith because of the way God works.