I know where I'm going:-)

"I am nothing, He is all. And because "all" fell in love with "nothing", this "nothing" can now be filled with "all". Emptiness is not my destiny anymore, because of this perfect, awesome God of mine. I'm not capable of anything by myself, not even trust You all the way, sweet Jesus. That's why I don't trust in my trust in You, I trust in Your faithfulness that will never be shaken. You are the Holy King of a Kingdom that can't be moved." Emma's journal- 12 March 2005

"Your purpose on earth is far from worthless, that's why ya glorified like your life's been purchased. And it don't matter if the world don't see us. We still mean the world to Jesus." Lacrae- Take me as I am

The more I look back through my notebooks, the more it becomes clear to me, that it is very hard for us to be tangled with, when we know who we are and what our place is in His heart. I heard so many things about "walking in the authority of Jesus", or how I should be able to do this and that in His Name. I am not disputing that. Absolutely, we have authority in His Name, but that's not what I'm talking about here. When I talk about "knowing who we are", I refer to a sense of identity, belonging, having a purpose. When we remember and He has a central place in our lives, things are very clear to us, but at the same time our identity will be always the first thing to be attacked in us when we want to stand tall for Him.

When He was on the earth and stood tall for the Father, that was His first battle: "Who are You, Jesus son of Joseph the carpenter? If You are the Son of God..." (Luke 4:1-13) Did He feel like the Son of God after 40 days of starvation in the wilderness? The God in Him probably did, I'm not so sure about the Man Jesus, though. Hebrews 4:15 says He was tempted in every way, just as we are, but without sin. I am human, I know what it means not to eat for a few days, I struggle to remember my name, not to push it as far as standing tall when tempted in my identity.

We all heard the sermons from Luke 4, of how He used the Word of God every time He was tested. "It is written..." is all He replied, and perhaps it escapes us sometimes how precious that moment was for the Man Jesus. He never said "You know what, satan, take a hike. I know I am the Son of God because I have this strong feeling in Me." Jesus didn't even address the point of who He was, as if that was not even in question.

Why didn't He say anything to defend His identity? I think it is because even though He came here Jesus always "remembered", He made it His mission to remember ("for I know where I came from and where I am going" John 8:14) . He was human, He had the same struggles, but even though He felt everything, He did not allow feelings to tell Him who He was. I love the end of Luke 4. After the devil leaves Him alone, He goes straight into a synagogue opens the book of Isaiah and quotes from chapter 61, what could only be called His mission statement, as if nothing happened, unfazed by questions or doubts: "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour."

I've been to many times in that place of discouragement and pain, to sit here and happily type that when you're there all you have to do is go, read the Bible and you will immediately feel like a child of God. You might hear that a lot on God Channel, if it works for you drop me a message, I'll stand corrected. If you only go to the Bible when you're in that place it's a little bit after 12 o'clock, if I can put it that way. My brother-in-law, Ian, told me once "Emma, when you find yourself in a dark place, look inside yourself and whatever still stands strong about God in you, is actually all you know about Him. Everything else is theory." I become aware of my identity in Him a little bit every day, brick by brick and if at the first storm all my bricks turn to dust, I don't give up, until at some point that storm comes again and I realise that whether big or small my wall is as unshakable as His Kingdom and I can find shelter behind it. That wall is my identity, my shield and every brick from that wall is a moment from my walk with God- a prayer answered, a situation He got me out of, circumstances that only He could have changed. Those are real. Those are not sermons I heard, or books I read, those are my moments with my God and they are so real they don't even constitute a question anymore.

Growing up in a communist country, in circumstances that sometimes felt like a battle I will never win, I didn't really feel safe growing up. I learnt not to trust or count on anyone, because in the end you're on your own anyway. So every time, I would mess up in my relationship with God or get discouraged my first thought would be "What's the point, He will abandon me anyway. I mean who would stick around for a mess like me?" Until one day I came across the Roman saying "Nomen est omen"- Names are destiny (or your name is your destiny). My name is Emanuela "God with us" in Hebrew, and I finally got it. He was with me the minute Emanuela took her first breath, He is with me everywhere I go and He will remain with me until the end. Now when I feel abandoned all I have to tell myself is "I am Emanuela- God with me." This is one of my bricks. I am sure you have many of them as well. One of my favourite words in Hebrew is Zakar, it means be remembered, be thought of, be brought to mind, remind, keep in remembrance, to mention, to record, to make a memorial, make remembrance. This pretty much sums up my relationship with God.

I guess the whole point of what I am saying here is you'll stand up if you remember. You've been through a journey this far, ask God to remind you. Jesus said the Holy Spirit will teach us all things and will remind us of everything He has said to us (John 14:26)

"But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God." John 1:12-13

Are you stirred up or neutralised?

Yesterday I heard a great sermon by Dennis Philips, an amazing man of God. To pretty much sum it up in a question would be "Are you stirred up or discouraged?" Dennis was telling us that to be discouraged is to be neutralised. Like a car without petrol you simply stop in one place. And then the questions, the doubts, the fears budge in. I think I'll forever fight discouragement with all I've got, not just because I had and still have to fight against it so much, but because I hate to look into the eyes of a child of God and see the light gone.

My general first reaction to discouragement is to run and hide and possibly stay there until God comes to me like He did to Elijah: "What are you doing here, Elijah?"(1 Kings 19:9) Something like "I was, Lord, but I am no more." What's the source of our discouragement? Well, I guess it might be many things- hardship, unanswered prayers, people bad mouthing us, tiredness. Where does it start? In my case is in my mind and then if allow it, it reaches my heart. We start to see ourselves as failures, possibly believe we might struggle like this for as long as we live and then fear of even trying again sneaks in. In times like these I feel God the same way He went to Adam and Eve after they sinned. Adam began to tell God how they hid because they were naked. God simply asked him: ""Who told you that you were naked?" (Genesis 3:11)
"Who told you, you're a failure? Who told you you'll never make it? Who told you I'm upset and angry? Who's accusing you, My child?"

Rightly so, who's accusing us? "Who shall bring any charge against God's elect [when it is] God Who justifies [that is, Who puts us in right relation to Himself? Who shall come forward and accuse or impeach those whom God has chosen? Will God, Who acquits us?] Who is there to condemn [us]? Will Christ Jesus (the Messiah), Who died, or rather Who was raised from the dead, Who is at the right hand of God actually pleading as He intercedes for us?" (Romans 8:33-34, Amplified Bible)

And since we are so much more eager to believe accusations, how do we fight this weakness? I love the way the Jewish nation is so focus on remembering. Eli Wiesel said: "I marvel at the resilience of the Jewish people. Their best characteristic is their desire to remember. No other people has such an obsession with memory." Why? Because, if I know I am Emma, there's no way you'll convince me I am Mary. We're far less likely to become discouraged and lied to, if we remember our walk with God. When it hurts what seems most real is our pain, but pain will never be more real than the truth. And what is true is our walk with God so far. The tricky part is being able to remember. Philip Yancey calls it spiritual amnesia. I didn't know it had a name, but I started fighting it by writing down. I will forever write down everything, I will leave road signs for myself for when I struggle and feel lost. Because it's then when I go back and start reading. Notebook number one, number two, number seven...until I remember... "I am not a failure. I am a fighter. Look how many times I stood up in the past, look how many times God helped me, see how much it hurt that day and check out how happy and hopeful I was on the next page." The truth will remain the same no matter what we feel- we're not alone, and The One who brought us this far, did not invest all His love and time in us only to abandon us now. He'll never do it. It's ok, lift up your heart and see He never left. You're not a failure, you're more than mistakes and for as long as you don't give up He guarantees you'll make it. He is our strength and He'll never fail us. It's ok.

If you struggle right now and you don't even know where to begin to pick yourself up, not to mention stir yourself up, I am here for you. Leave me a message. I promise I will not publish it, just let me pray for you. I didn't plan to write this today, but you're on my heart. So, whoever you are, it's ok. He's not accusing you and He's not upset. He just wants you to remember you're not alone.

Your sister,

Emma

P.S. This is for you:-)
"Speak To Me"- Audio Adrenaline

"I'm in a fix
Need something quick
My mind is numb
My stomach sick
Broken hearts
Hopeless things
I've seen what defiance brings
Cause the light of day
I've always known
Is in my heart
I'm not alone

Speak to me
Tell me all the things I need to know
I want to hear you now
Can you speak to me
I've opened up your word to free me
I want to hear you now

It's amazing
How I forget
Can't live my life
For lack of it
But the light of day
I've always known
It's in my heart
I'm not alone

Speak to me
Tell me all the things I need to know
I want to hear you now
Can you speak to me
I've opened up your word to free me
I want to hear you now

Make your wisdom clear
The words I hold so dear
Bring the light into my dark
I hide them inside my heart"

My Father knows

Some of you might have heard this story before. I came accross it whilst listening to one of Pastor Rob Prokop's sermons. I hope it touches your heart just as much as it did mine.

The Hairbrush Story

At the Airport in Knoxville on April 20, 2005, Beth Moore

"Waiting to board the plane, I had the Bible on my lap and was very intent upon what I was doing. I'd had a marvelous morning with the Lord. I say that because I want to tell you it is a scary thing to have the Spirit of God really working in you. You could end up doing some things you never would have done otherwise. Life in the Spirit can be dangerous for a thousand reasons not the least of which is your ego. I tried to keep from staring, but he was such a strange sight. Humped over in a wheelchair, he was skin and bones, dressed in clothes that obviously fit when he was at least twenty pounds heavier. His knees protruded from his trousers, and his shoulders looked like the coat hanger was still in his shirt. His hands looked like tangled masses of veins and bones. The strangest part of him was his hair and nails. Stringy gray hair hung well over his shoulders and down part of his back. His fingernails were long, clean but strangely out of place on an old man. I looked down at my Bible as fast as I could, discomfort burning my face. As I tried to imagine what his story might have been, I found myself wondering if I'd just had a Howard Hughes moment. Then, I remembered that he was dead. So this man in the airport...an impersonator maybe? Was a camera on us somewhere? There I sat, trying to concentrate on the Word to keep from being concerned about a thin slice of humanity served on a wheelchair only a few seats from me. All the while my heart was growing more and more overwhelmed with a feeling for him. Let's admit it. Curiosity is a heap more comfortable than true concern, and suddenly I was awash with aching emotion for this bizarre-looking old man.

I had walked with God long enough to see the handwriting on the wall. I've learned that when I begin to feel what God feels, something so contrary to my natural feelings, something dramatic is bound to happen. And it may be embarrassing. I immediately began to resist because I could feel God working on my spirit and I started arguing with God in my mind. "Oh, no, God, please, no." I looked up at the ceiling as if I could stare straight through it into heaven and said, "Don't make me witness to this man. Not right here and now. Please. I'll do anything. Put me on the same plane, but don't make me get up here and witness to this man in front of this gawking audience. Please, Lord!"

There I sat in the blue vinyl chair begging His Highness, "Please don't make me witness to this man. Not now. I'll do it on the plane." Then I heard it... "I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to brush his hair." The words were so clear, my heart leapt into my throat, and my thoughts spun like a top. Do I witness to the man or brush his hair? No-brainer. I looked straight back up at the ceiling and said, "God, as I live and breathe, I want you to know I am ready to witness to this man. I'm on this Lord. I'm you're girl! You've never seen a woman witness to a man faster in your life. What difference does it make if his hair is a mess if he is not redeemed? I am on him. I am going to witness to this man." Again as clearly as I've ever heard an audible word, God seemed to write this statement across the wall of my mind. "That is not what I said, Beth. I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to go brush his hair." I looked up at God and quipped, "I don't have a hairbrush. It's in my suitcase on the plane. How am I supposed to brush his hair without a hairbrush?" God was so insistent that I almost involuntarily began to walk toward him as these thoughts came to me from God's word: "I will thoroughly furnish you unto all good works." (2 Timothy 3:17) I stumbled over to the wheelchair thinking I could use one myself.

Even as I retell this story my pulse quickens and I feel those same butterflies. I knelt down in front of the man and asked as demurely as possible," Sir, may I have the pleasure of brushing your hair?" He looked back at me and said, "What did you say?"
"May I have the pleasure of brushing your hair?" To which he responded in volume ten, "Little lady, if you expect me to hear you, you're going to have to talk louder than that." At this point, I took a deep breath and blurted out, "SIR, MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF BRUSHING YOUR HAIR?" At which point every eye in the place darted right at me. I was the only thing in the room looking more peculiar than old Mr. Longlocks. Face crimson and forehead breaking out in a sweat, I watched him look up at me with absolute shock on his face, and say, "If you really want to." Are you kidding? Of course I didn't want to. But God didn't seem interested in my personal preference right about then. He pressed on my heart until I could utter the words, "Yes, sir, I would be pleased. But I have one little problem. I don't have a hairbrush." "I have one in my bag," he responded. I went around to the back of that wheelchair, and I got on my hands and knees and unzipped the stranger's old carry-on, hardly believing what I was doing. I stood up and started brushing the old man's hair. It was perfectly clean, but it was tangled and matted. I don't do many things well, but I must admit I've had notable experience untangling knotted hair mothering two little girls. Like I'd done with either Amanda or Melissa in such a condition, I began brushing at the very bottom of the strands, remembering to take my time not to pull.

A miraculous thing happened to me as I started brushing that old man's hair. Everybody else in the room disappeared. There was no one alive for those moments except that old man and me. I brushed and I brushed and I brushed until every tangle was out of that hair. I know this sounds so strange, but I've never felt that kind of love for another soul in my entire life. I believe with all my heart, I - for that few minutes - felt a portion of the very love of God. That He had overtaken my heart for a little while like someone renting a room and making Himself at home for a short while. The emotions were so strong and so pure that I knew they had to be God's. His hair was finally as soft and smooth as an infant's. I slipped the brush back in the bag, went around the chair to face him. I got back down on my knees, put my hands on his knees, and said, "Sir, do you know my Jesus?" He said, "Yes, I do." Well, that figures, I thought. He explained, "I've known Him since I married my bride. She wouldn't marry me until I got to know the Savior." He said, "You see, the problem is, I haven't seen my bride in months. I've had open-heart surgery, and she's been too ill to come see me. I was sitting here thinking to myself, what a mess I must be for my bride."

Only God knows how often He allows us to be part of a divine moment when we're completely unaware of the significance. This, on the other hand, was one of those rare encounters when I knew God had intervened in details only He could have known. It was a God moment, and I'll never forget it. Our time came to board, and we were not on the same plane. I was deeply ashamed of how I'd acted earlier and would have been so proud to have accompanied him on that aircraft. I still had a few minutes, and as I gathered my things to board, the airline hostess returned from the corridor, tears streaming down her cheeks. She said, "That old man's sitting on the plane, sobbing. Why did you do that? What made you do that?" I said, "Do you know Jesus? He can be the bossiest thing!" And we got to share. I learned something about God that day. He knows if you're exhausted because you're hungry, you're serving in the wrong place or it is time to move on, but you feel too responsible to budge. He knows if you're hurting or feeling rejected. He knows if you're sick or drowning under a wave of temptation. Or He knows if you just need your hair brushed. He sees you as an individual. Tell Him your need! I got on my own flight, sobs choking my throat, wondering how many opportunities just like that one had I missed along the way... all because I didn't want people to think I was strange. God didn't send me to that old man. He sent that old man to me.

John 1:14 "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." Life shouldn't be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly shouting, "Wow! What a ride! Thank You, Lord!""

Be still

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"Thou my best thought by day or by night. Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light."

Back in Romania we have a Christian radio station (something like UCB- United Christian Broadcast). It's called "Vocea Evangheliei-The Voice of the Gospel". For a while, when I was about 23-24 they keep broadcasting a sort of an encouragement for people to seek God daily. It was called "7 minutes a day with God". Now I am not very sure what made them choose the number 7 and not 10, perhaps because 7 is considered a holy number, the number of God. Anyway, as I was a fairly new Christian very much set in my ways, I thought it terrible to only give God 7 minutes out 1440 minutes of a day. I was judgemental without considering what 7 minutes mean for a full-time working mother with four children like my mum for instance. She took the seven minutes seriously and I could either find her on her knees before going to work in the morning or I would discover her Bible and her devotional left on her bed after she left for work. It's 7 minutes enough or do I need to spend an hour every day? How much time do I give to a timeless God who lives in me anyway?

I want Him to know He is my absolute number 1, but how much time do I give Him in order to make Him understand that? I am one of those people who can't make it through a day of work if I don't spend some time with Him in the morning. That's my personality. I wish I could be one of those lovely, quiet, pleasant girls who seem to spread peace whenever they pass you by, but I'm not. I am very passionate and sometimes loud and so I have to make a conscious effort to be quiet and lovely and peaceful. And everytime I manage to go through a day being that way, I know it was God helping me. So I wake up every morning, sometimes at ridiculously unearthly hours, because I am weak and I need help. But is that time in the morning enough? I mean I am genuinely seeking Him for very selfish reasons "Adonai, I need wisdom and understanding and peace and determination to make it through today. I need help."
This is what's on my heart lately. And I discover more and more that even though setting aside a designated time to spend with Him is a very good thing that shows Him my determination and desire to follow Him, it's about more than that. I kept telling my Daniel all week "There's something more here which escapes me. I need to understand this." Eventually I got it. It's about living with the consciousness of Him all through the day. I love the way they translated Isaiah 26:3, in the New Living Translation of the Bible: "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!" I found this to be true this week.

But how do I keep God in my thoughts throughout the day, in a 9-5 job where my phone is ringing, I have to focus on the work at hand and give my company 100%? Now that is the question! I decided to be practical about it. In my company you have to move from your computer every hour for a couple of minutes in order to rest your eyes (sounds good in theory practically its a bit more difficult:-)), so I decided to use that time to "remember God". I might go to get some water from the water machine and think "Thank you for helping me so far today." Or move to the printer and think "I love you, Adonai sheli (my Lord)". I was determined to do it every hour, I managed to do it about 2-3 times a day, but at those times I felt Him so close, far closer than I do sometimes when I'm sitting at my lovely purple desk. So I will carry on. I can't say I don't find it frustrating when I have to return to my work, but He knows that already, just as I know I need to be still inside and know He IS. He is there, He is my God, He is for me, He is there to help.

All I heard all week in my heart was "Be still". Friday morning, as I was entering the parking lot at work and saw the building, I took a deep breath in, as you do before you jump in the waves. But then I started to laugh so hard when I passed a parking lot of someone from my work called B. STILL (God does have a sense of humour). So I guess I will carry on and do what I've done so far. Just because I am not 100% successful all the time doesn't mean I should stop, because I realised God loves my 7 seconds every few hours just as much as He loves me spending a whole day with Him. For a timeless God what matters the most is that you choose to remember Him in a world which tells you all the time He does not exist.

One of the writers that influenced me most in my life is Etty Hillesum. Perhaps because I identify so much with her... Etty was just as determined to find God everywhere as I am, and I love her so much because her life proves to me that if you seek Him you find Him, just as He said. Etty started out with so many emotional problems. She fought depression and sadness all the time, but because she sought God, eventually when she ended up in a concentration camp, she would enter one of the barracks smiling and bringing comfort to others who were completely lost. Etty started looking for God just like us, with little steps, but what amazes me about her, is that she never attended a church or a synagogue and no one taught her how to seek God, and still this is how she describes it: "A quiet half an hour within yourself...but it's not that simple that sort of "quiet hour". It has to be learned. A lot of unimportant inner litter and bits and pieces have to be swept out first." From the beginning she acknowledged it was not simple, but she didn't stop. She carried on as on a mission. She told God her heart is His home and she will clean it up for Him and decorate her soul so that He would feel at home:

"The jasmine behind my house has been completely ruined by the rains and storms of the last few days; it's white blossoms are floating about in muddy black pools on the low garage roof. But somewhere inside me the jasmine continues to blossom undisturbed, just as profusely and delicately as it ever did. And it spreads its scent round the House in which you dwell, O God. You can see I look after You, I bring you not only my tears and my foreboding on this stormy, grey Sunday morning, I even bring you scented jasmine. And I shall bring You all the flowers I shall meet on my way, and truly there are many of those. I shall try to make You at home always. Even if I should be locked up in a narrow cell and a cloud should drift past my small barred window, then I shall bring you that cloud, O God, while there is still strength in me to do so. I cannot promise You anything for tomorrow, but my intentions are good, You can see."

Eventually, Etty reached that place where her surroundings and circumstances could not stop her dialogue and inner life with God: "My life has become an uninterrupted dialogue with You, O God, one great dialogue. Sometimes when I stand in some corner of the camp, my feet planted on Your earth, my eyes raised towards Your heaven, tears sometimes run down my face, tears of deep emotion and gratitude." She wrote these words whilst in Westerbrook camp, amongst suffering and despair. But she choose to be there with her people rather than run and hide. "And I want to be there right in the thick of what people call horror and still be able to say: life is beautiful. Yes, I lie here in a corner, parched and dizzy and feverish and unable to do a thing. Yet I am also with the jasmine and the piece of sky beyond my window."
She wanted to be God's witness "...there must be someone to live through it all and bear witness to the fact that God lived, even in these times." And she did bear witness until the end. The last thing Etty wrote was a note to a friend which she threw out through a crack in the boarded-up train. This was later found by farmers and posted to her friend: "Christine, opening the Bible at random, I find this "The Lord is my high tower..."

Etty started by simply seeking. She was intentional about it, but she didn't turn it into some routine she would feel guilty for not keeping at all times. She just had a relationship and that relationship carried her through the hell around her. I don't have to survive a concentration camp, but I have to go through the distractions of everyday life. To keep a marriage happy you have to become creative in the ways you live your love for your spouse. I find it easy to think about my relationship with God that way. Just as my Daniel, God also has to feel my love for Him through many little things I invent every day, even if that little thing is just a few seconds of my attention in a busy day. What matters is that for those few seconds, I've stopped it all to tell Him that I love Him.

Emanuela

Why stand up for what you believe?

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile." Apostle Paul- Romans 1:16

"For as long as a man does not discover something to die for he's not prepared to live." Johann Christopher Arnold

This is one of the last quotes, Cassie Bernall, wrote in her journal before she was shot. She is one of the teenagers killed in the Columbine High school tragedy. She was asked whether she believed in God and survivors indicate she said "yes". As a result she was shot in the head by one of her colleagues, whilst being held hostage in the high school library.

For many years I copied Arnold's quote from one journal to another to remind myself not to be ashamed of what I believe. Today I was reminded of it again. Cassie was 17 when she confessed her faith with a simple word, and in reading her life story she seemed to have been just as much of a messed up teenager as I was:-) But once she found God, Cassie held on to Him until the end. My friend and brother, Tim Skinner, shares many of my frustrations when it comes to the Truth, because Tim seems to be just as passionate as I am about speaking (writing in my case) of what we believe. There will always be the dilemma "When do I actually speak the Truth and when do I push my opinions on others?" I said it many times. I believe Truth has power in itself and you will only listen when you are prepared to hear it. As such I will not go to someone and try to convince them of what I believe. I am not saying it's a bad thing to do that, I am just saying I am not built that way. I write about what I believe and I put it out there. You are free to take it on board or dismiss it. My Lord is my treasure and in the same way I'm not gonna beg you to accept some gold, I will not try to convince anyone by pushing my opinions on them. Truth is not comfortable, political correctness is. Tim inspires me, because he's out there and speaks even with the risk of becoming uncomfortable (I witnessed myself what happened to him when he did become uncomfortable once), but he carries on speaking and standing up for what he believes. So I'll dedicate this blog to him and other people such as my sister who aren't afraid of not being popular or labelled "fanatics".

One thing I keep seeing the atheist getting frustrated about when it comes to us "the deluded fanatics" (at least according to Richard Dawkins who's face I keep coming across on British TV channels in shows such as "Genius of Britain" or "The God Delusion". Talk about pushing your ideas and political correctness, I don't see two many Christian or Jewish programmes which aren't either historically inaccurate or theologically messed up). Anyway, what seems to annoy the atheists about us is the "arrogance" with which we confess our truth as being The Truth. I have one question? What other truth than the one I believe would you like me to stand up for?

The other thing they keep throwing in our faces is-"I don't believe in God, but you don't see me going around telling everybody I don't believe in Him" I would say the Atheism's "spokesman", Richard Dawkins proves exactly the opposite, he almost seems "on a mission" to prove the non-existence of God. Like I was saying today, he seems so adamant to prove he doesn't have a religion that he turned atheism into his religion. But as an answer to "the accusation" perhaps the fact that God doesn't exist may occupy a secondary place in an atheist's life. The fact that He exists is everything to us.

I won't tap anyone on the shoulder and try to convince them of what I believe, but I will not stay quiet either and allow the likes of Richard Dawkins to call my God all sorts of names and spread lies about Him whilst I sit comfortably in my church pew.

"If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels." Luke 9:26

Emanuela

Thoughts from a foreign land

"The psalmists tell of panting with an open mouth, of thirsting for the living God, of longing for God as parched earth longs for water. They sound like letters from a lovesick lover and at the core that's what we seekers are. I tell myself that God is inclining an ear to my prayer, and over time I learn to believe it because I can see that God, like most of us, cares mainly about being loved, believed, trusted, honoured." Philip Yancey- "Prayer- Does it make any difference?"

Yesterday morning in my time with God this verses came to my mind "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." (Genesis 1:27) and then "God said to Moses, "I am who I am . This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.' " (Exodus 3:14) I guess it all happened because I asked God so much lately "Who am I, Abba?" Whatever, brought these verses to my mind, they made me realise that perhaps part of the reason we are created in His own image is that no other creature can introduce itself as God does "I AM"... I am Emma.

As Yancey says "we are unequal partners God and I" but if I go after Him, no matter how much I notice these differences between us, He will change my heart and open my ears. I know we are different God and I- I know. I know we belong to two different worlds right now- the seen and the unseen. But I also know that He became human for me. He wanted me so badly that He came after me.

At some point in April my sister wrote an article called "Anyone who will be ashamed of Me..." In this article amongst other things my sister tells of her journey into understanding what He gave up for us. She tried to look at The Passions, but she said she grew so accustomed to seeing Yeshua as a victim hanging on the cross, that it didn't move her too much. Until she realised He was changed within His nature for us. He choose to come as a human and as The Son of Man, a part of Yeshua will forever be Man. A part of Him is forever changed out of love for us. My sister was asking herself what kind of power or what kind of love could push someone to do such a thing? She was comparing it to a part of her soul being transferred in a bird's body, knowing she will forever be part bird, and to do all this out of love for birds.

I can't see His sacrifice or His love the same way anymore. He did all that for me. And now I am Emma and I belong to I AM WHO I AM, because nobody could ever love me more than this.
In days like today, I have to agree with Yancey, I do feel like a lovesick lover, but I know that if I want to be with Him one day the only way is straight ahead.

I miss you, Adonai sheli, like a refugee in a foreign land- I miss You.
They ask me "Do you feel Jesus? Can you feel the Holy Spirit? Yes, I can. But there's always always a degree of pain involved in feeling Him, because I know the feeling doesn't last. I stretch my hand to touch because I know in a few seconds, minutes this world will snatch me back from feeling Him and at that point for just a short moment I wish I could go home so that I would never have to feel that pain again. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. When He was here, He longed for the Father, He said: "the glory I had with you before the world began." (John 17:5b) "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world." (John 17:24)
Apostle Paul longed after Him: "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21)

A long chain of longing hearts is my company, but at the same time I know that because of these sweet moments and that pain mixed together, I would never be able to forget God. "How can you say that, Emma? You never know what might happen to you." True, but for as long as I get to keep my mind, I know now, I would not be able to forget Him. This used to be my greatest fear. That one day something so horrible would happen to me, that I would willingly forget Him. I would use my power to choose and forget Him. Now I'm free from that fear, because I realised that if I am "tattooed" on God's heart, He's tattooed on mine, too.

Not that I necessarily wish to remember this, but I was twenty and very drunk at parties with my friends and still somehow I would end up locking myself in the toilet in the middle of the party and remember the God my mother and grandmother told me about. I would feel drawn to Him, as if I would miss Him, even though I didn't know Him. Back then I did not know what it meant to be with Him- all this warmth and love and acceptance and safety I feel when I think of Him. I can't forget God even if I want to, because in one way or another I thought about Him all my life.

Sometimes I think it madness the way I make myself vulnerable here. "Why" I ask myself, "why would you do this to yourself?" Because if God willing, what I wrote here today, convinces even one of you to think of Him and "give Him your warmest smile", I don't care how many people think me crazy, it was worth it.

E

I'm talking to the girl in the mirror...

"Now with God's help, I shall become myself." Soren Kierkegaard

"In the world to come I shall not be asked: "Why were you not Moses?" I shall be asked "Why were you not Zusya?" Rabbi Zusya

"Look at Him; give Him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from Him" Psalm 34:5, The Message

I was writing yesterday about doing something with what was entrusted to us without allowing an incorrect image of God or fear to stop us, because at the end when we will meet Him, that will simply not constitute an excuse before Him.

But what do I do if I don't even know what was entrusted to me? To be honest with you I've heard so many sermons about God's calling upon my life or "my ministry," that I almost felt the pressure of coming up with something myself only to be able to tell someone "Well, my calling is..." I believe my calling is to be the best Emma that I can be. I believe there is an image of Emma "tattooed" somewhere on God's heart and that is who I am. I live in an environment that encourages me constantly "to become", to re-invent myself, to "do" for the sole purpose of achieving something. And so, unless I seek the One who holds in His heart the true picture of who I am, I will simply create cheap imitations of God's Emma.

There is an amazing Jewish song, that my sister translated for me. It's a conversation a child in search of himself/herself has with Abba Tov (Good Father). Some of the lyrics are:

"Father, I need to know with all my heart that this journey holds a good end,

That all this I'm going through along my path will turn weakness into a great strength

Father, I want to go back to myself and find you there with me.

In essence I'm pure goodness, Father

And in that point I believe in myself."

When I read this the first time I thought "Well, in my essence I am not pure goodness. In my essence I'm a sinner and that's the end of that." It's true, I am a sinner, and without Adonai sheli (My Lord), that's all I'll ever be. But at the same time I carry God's light in me, He choose to put His life and His light in me and because of that, in my essence I am pure goodness. I might not always feel that way and I might not always act as such, but that is how things stand.

I can be very disciplined if I want to. I learned to speak English with a strong American accent and I changed it to British in a matter of months. If I decide to do something, I make a plan and get on with it. I studied PR and Communication so I am "an expert" at re-inventing myself because I've done it for years. But I'm tired and I want to be His Emma... It's a strong desire in me, not just "to be", but to be who He wants me to be. When you pursue a walk of holiness, you start to change things about yourself and that is good, for as long as you understand that you do not have the power to change yourself no matter how much you want. "Sure I do", you might say. I would have to ask you first whether you changed yourself or just a habit and secondly if you say you managed to change everything about your life, how long did it last before you were exhausted? I heard so many people saying "I've tried so hard!" I know, trust me. I also did. For nine years all I do is stand up and land on my face. Now I am convinced the only One that can truly change us is God, because He does it as part of a process, when we don't even realise we are being changed and He does it from the inside out. He somehow manages to change the way I think, I relate to people, I see the world...And all along all I've done was spend time with Him. It's not something forced, that change is a direct result of His Greatness touching this little me-everyday until all I want is just that touch.

If you would ask me "Emma, tell me in one phrase the greatest lesson of your journey so far?" It would have to be, I have only one power in this limited life- the power to choose. I choose to stand up everytime I land because I keep hearing in myself "He did not give up for my sake, I will not give up for His sake." I have the power to choose to seek Him instead of choosing anything else that would satisfy me momentarily. I have the power to choose to forgive. I have the power to choose to look around me everyday and find someone to help or make them smile or do something for them. I have the power to choose to pick up the rubbish from the ground, if you want, because it took God six days to create this amazing planet. I have the power to choose Him and His life everytime it would be a lot more advantageous for me to make a little compromise. This is my only power and it is so strong that not even God can act against it. God can't make me choose anything. It has to be me. Like my sister says: "If God could make us choose something, He would make us love Him more", but He can't because free will is His gift to us.

Who is the true Emma, God's Emma? She is the girl that always always chooses Him. Only He knows her and I am really hoping that as I carry on seeking Adonai sheli, I will become her.

His Emma.

"There is only one problem on which all my existence, my peace and my happiness depend, to discover myself in discovering God." Thomas Merton