A personal testimony

I grew up in a communist Romania, under Ceausescu, a terrible dictator whom I was meant to call father of my nation. I still remember how when I was nine years old I was dancing around our flat when they shot him and his wife. It might sound horrible but unless you were there, you can't possibly understand how it felt even as a small child to feel safe for the first time in your life.

I am the oldest child of four and grew up in a poor area of Cluj-Napoca, the capital of Transilvania in a two bedrooms flat (one of which was actually the lounge:-))). I know what it means to pray for your bread and to think for the rest of your life that Christmas smells like oranges because that was the only time I could queue for hours with a coupon in my hands and get 6 oranges (one for each member of our family). I had my first pair of trainers when I was fourteen and I was so happy that I went to bed with them and refused to take them off. I had my first pair of jeans when I was sixteen. It carried on being my only pair of jeans until I was eighteen. I used to wash them a few times a week and put them on the radiator so that they would get dry and I would be able to wear them again the next day. In spite of all this I had a happy childhood with amazing grandparents and siblings. With a mum who told me all my life that she did not bring me into this world to be a victim and that I have to be strong, who loved me and inspired me and with a father who loved me as much as he knew how.

When I was eight I started to teach myself English by repeating time and time again "This is a wall. This is a pen. My name is Emanuela..." I dreamed of England all my life and was determined to speak English better than anyone I ever knew. My English teacher noticed my passion and invested a lot in me. I won many competitions in the area with my essays and works and I was proud that I was good at something. For a long time that was all and England was nothing but a distant dream. Then I became friends with a very special person who impacted my life at a time when I saw little hope for my future. He encouraged me a lot not to give up on my dreams and to believe that there is no limit to my potential. I wanted to believe him, but at 23 I was still in a two beds flat, in the same poor area and hardly had money to buy a bus ticket. That person was to become my brother-in-law:-)

Many days I would lose hope completely, but my mum has not brought a victim in this world and I had to be strong so with God's help I learnt how to encourage myself. I created a board with pictures from several big cities in England and with the UK map. I put it on the table next to my bed and would look at it to remind myself that I should not give up on my dreams. One day hopelessness paid me another visit and I ended up on the carpet in tears, starring at my board which at that point in time might as well have shown me a picture with the moon. But my mum has not brought a victim into this world and I had to be strong, so I looked straight at a picture on that board and said out loud "One day I will walk on those streets." I knew I had no chances to do it on my own because back then I needed a visa and in order to get a visa I had to have a substantive bank account to demonstrate credibility at the embassy. Furthermore, I had previously applied for a visa and they rejected my application for the same reasons. But somewhere inside me that was my dream and I knew if God kept it alive all those years He will make it come to pass and no embassy will ever stop Him.

Fast forward nine years. I am married with an Englishman. I have not only visited England, but I live here for over 7 years now. But more important, this Monday I was getting home from work and whilst walking on the street I stopped in my tracks and remembered the day I sat on that carpet in my two beds flat, in a poor area of Cluj with not a single penny in my pocket and said out loud "One day I will walk on those streets." The picture I looked at that day was of the city I was walking through this Monday. I started to cry, turned around in a circle and looked around myself as if I was asleep for the last nine years and I just woke up to see my dream come true.

Let me tell you what God did. He took that girl who had no chance from a far away country and not only gave her her dream but He made sure she works now in one of the most important buildings in the second largest city in England for an organisation which over 300 years old where she is respected and appreciated and cared for and nobody cares where she came from or how much money she grew up with.

One of my friends told me this week "Emma, God is enlarging your territory". I took it as I always take phrases like this. They sound to me like some over used Christian affirmation that you're somehow meant to understand like a secret handshake. But for the first time in my life I understood what that phrase meant. My dream was to visit England. That in itself would have been a miracle to me. That was as much as I could dream on that day when I was crying on the carpet. But God enlarged my territory. He showed me what His version of my dream looked like and let me tell you, it is far beyond anything I could have ever possibly imagined.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry...He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LorD and put their trust in him. Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord... Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us, None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, Lord, as you know^. I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help, I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly." Psalm 40

Wingless bird

A bird knows it exists for one purpose- to fly. They know it from the moment they’re on the edge of the cliff about to fall or take off. So they spread their wings and do what they were always meant to do- fly.

Man’s greatest inner desire is to find meaning and purpose. The answer to the question that haunted us throughout the ages- why am I here?

I am a seeker. I sought all my life and I assume I will carry on the same way. But so far, the only answer I keep coming across to pretty much all my big questions is- Because He loves us. Why am I here? To hopefully always find this answer to all of my questions. 

Why am I here? To understand I am so loved, in the middle of this unloving world. I exist to be loved. My sister keeps saying that if God would stop thinking of us, we would cease to exist, and I agree with her.

Ever since I was a little girl I heard this verse in church “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

And it feels amazing when good things happen to you, things that seem to confirm this verse 100%. But how about when things don’t go according to plan? When what you hoped for, doesn’t happen? What do you do?

I seem to see two reactions in people and in myself.  We either doubt our love for Him- “Perhaps I didn’t loved Him as I should’ve, or believed Him as much as I should’ve” or we doubt His love for us- “Perhaps I’ve done something wrong and God is upset with me” And I know when church going people read this sort of thing they have at least two verses about how we get things by grace not because we deserve them, but if you are honest with yourself when you are in that place, these are thoughts that cross your mind.

It always seems to take us a while to ask the question “What is for my good?”
This week I came across one of my favourite verses in a different translation, exactly when I was asking myself this question. "But as for me, the nearness of God is my good." Psalm 73:28

I understood then, that He loves me so much, that He would do anything, move anything, change anything, deny me whatever He has to, only to keep me near.  And once again, my answer to my question was- Because He loves me.

I exist because God thinks me into existence. And He thinks of me every millisecond not because He would be a little bit bored without me, but because He loves me. Same way birds exist to fly, I exist to be loved by God and to answer to His love with mine. These days I have this thought that no matter what happens to me, if I want to see it, I will be able to find His love behind anything that come along. And if I don't want to see it,  I am but a wingless bird that cannot fly…

Tell me what God feels like. I'm starting to forget...

"Soon after her brother was born, little Sachi began to ask her parents to leave her alone with the new baby. They worried that like most four-year-olds, she might feel jealous and want to hit or shake him, so they said no. But she showed no signs of jealousy. She treated the baby with kindness and her pleas to be left alone with him became more urgent. They decided to allow it. Elated, she went into the baby's room and she shut the door, but it opened a crack-enough for her curious parents to peek in and listen. They saw little Sachi walk quietly up to her baby brother, put her face close to his and say quietly, "Baby, tell me what God feels like. I'm starting to forget." 

Dan Millman taken from "Chicken soup for the soul" by Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

"I tell you the truth, you must change and become like little children. Otherwise, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. The greatest person in the kingdom of heaven is the one who makes himself humble like this child." Matthew 18:3-4

I had a chat tonight with a dear one of mine who is going through a hard time. One of those times perfectly described in Psalm 88, when you think God forgot about you and no matter how much or how hard you pray your words bounce of the ceiling and hit the floor like a boomerang, never actually reaching their destination. I tried to tell my dear one, that when things don't make sense it is always the same battle line, the one that always was and always will be- Can your God be trusted? And if you dare to adventure yourself and confess "yes", then you hear straight away in your heart "Prove it!"

Why is it so hard to adventure and answer yes? Because just like Sachi, time on this earth and especially time apart from God, makes you forget how God "feels like". What do I mean by "feels like"? If you ever met Him you know exactly what I mean. That warmth that overwhelms you all of the sudden in the middle of the day when you expect it the least. That smile on your face and peace in your heart in the middle of a messy situation. That perfect hope described in Psalm 88 that made the Psalmist still carry on praying even when he thought God was against him. That's what God feels like. If one would ask me to describe how God feels like in one phrase I guess it would be "God is a smile on my face when I really should be crying."

Both you and I know we are here temporary and both you and I know what the battle line is. So as I said in other postings on this blog, if doubt takes you to court for lack of evidence and screams at you to "Prove it!" then I guess my dear one, I am the little baby tonight trying to remind you how God feels like.

Never leave you...

"Never leave you, nor forsake you...though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you" (Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5, Isaiah 54:10


Anything but insane-Emma- 13.07.2011

I'm sad today, dear Abba
I'm sad and not sure why
Is this feeling for real
Or once again a lie?

Do I have real reasons
To feel so low and sad?
Or am I manipulated
And spoken lies instead?

Because all that I'm hearing
Tries to convince me again
That maybe You forgot me
And I'm a bit insane

That maybe all I'm feeling
All that I ask and seek
Are nothing but emotions...
Fantasies of a freak.

Will You come, dear Abba
And tell my heart the truth?
All I want is Your whisper
I don't need other proof.

Will You come, dear Abba
And kiss my heart again?
Remind me I'm Your daughter
Anything, but insane.

Come once again and tell me
What you said on that day
That mountains might be shaking
But you won't go away


The hardest thing for a rejected heart to accept, is that it won't happen again.
"Yes, they might love you now, but you just give them a bit of time. They will abandon you same way the others did before." The same two all familiar phrases that haunt you every time someone show they care. It's hard enough to believe when the person is there next to you, even though you see their eyes and hear their words spoken time and time again.

What's even harder is when you can't see The One telling you He won't leave you. You feel Him and His love and care all around you like a warm blanket on a cold day, but what if it is all just wishful thinking? I think this was my hardest battle with myself. I fought this battle for over ten years and I still do.
This week I didn't feel too well physically and it affected me emotionally as well. Those dark thoughts mentioned in Psalm 94:19. I was laying there in bed thinking "What if after all this, I get before Him at the end and He tells me to go away because He doesn't know me?" Oh, of course I reminded myself of all those verses where He promises time and time again that He won't abandon us, that He never rejects those who go to Him for refuge. But it didn't help. The nagging "what if" would not budge. And as always when emotions fail me, logic is my last weapon. I was surprised to find this thought in my heart, my answer to the "what if"- "Even if He would reject me after all this, I was happier looking for Him all around me, than I ever was when I didn't. If at the end, this proves to be in vain, at least my heart knows that I found in Him the only way I know how to truly live, be myself and be happy. After all this...even if...He would still be my only choice in this life."

Why am I writing all this making myself once again ridiculously vulnerable? Because I know at least two people out there right now who go through the same battle. And this is for them- He didn't leave you!

Philip Yancey, one of my favourite authors, once wrote "I know only two alternatives to hypocrisy: perfection or honesty." In all honesty I will always acknowledge that I can't achieve perfection in anything that I try. Not even follow my God, no matter how much I love Him and no matter how much I want to. It is hard not to question and doubt, and I don't even think He wants us not to. It is only after fighting doubt and fear to let go completely, for years, that you find yourself one day in the midst of the very same nagging thoughts, choosing God not out of emotions or "because", but "in spite of" like the most logical thing in your world.

All my life, my own father abandoned me when I needed him the most. The hardest thing for me to accept was the "never"part of God's promise "Never leave you". But through all these years I came to understand that "Never" same as "For ever" are words from His world. Words that only an eternal God can speak. Words which are outside of the limits of my current existence. Never means never- not here and now and not there and then. I came to understand that I can't be separated from Him because of this"never". That for as long as I look to Him, He will never look away. No matter how many questions I ask, or how many doubts consume me. Every promise I ever made God I broke! But because of that "never" every promise He ever made me He kept and all along the way I heard His whisper in my heart "Never leave you..." People ask me whether I have any proof that God exists. My strongest witness is my own experience. I don't need other proof.



Im Telech (If you leave- translation from Hebrew)

If you leave, who will hold me like this
Who will hear me at the end of the day
Who will sooth and comfort me, only you know how to

And if you leave, who will I wait for in the window,
in a holiday dress, to come and hold me like this, as you come home.

When you leave, I will go to out to the sun in the golden field, morning and evening.
The moon, will light up my face which dreams only of you all day long.

When you return, you will carry me with both arms,
from the field to the river, wash my face
and tell me words, as only you know how to.

Kindness...

"For I desire mercy, and not sacrifice, and the knowledge of God rather than burnt-offerings" Hosea 6:6, Hebrew Bible Mechon-Mamre

"...there is no truth, nor mercy, nor knowledge of God in the land." Hosea 4:1, Mechon-Mamre

"And let us know, eagerly strive to know the LORD" Hosea 6:3, Mechon-Mamre

"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge..." Hosea 4:6, Mechon-Mamre

The Hebrew word translated by mercy in the verses above is Chesed (Hesed). It is commonly translated in English by kindness or loving-kindness. Translators find it hard to translate this word in other languages because it is difficult to convey the true meaning. This word is mainly attributed to God's kindness or goodness and that is hard enough to describe because it is not common to human race. Whilst reading the verses above I noticed a pattern, a pattern the apostle Paul tells us how we can prevent in Romans 12:2 "Do not change yourselves to be like the people of this world. But be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to determine what God wants for you. And you will be able to know what is good and pleasing to God and what is perfect."

When you get to know what Paul describes above, what do you actually know? I think you know God, you know what chesed means. That goodness and compassion that remains good and compassionate even when it has nothing to gain from it or even when it goes against ones interests. That is the main characteristic of God. When you truly know that, you know Him and that knowledge does something in you. Firstly, because He is chesed with you, you want to be chesed with others. That extravagant kindness that appears in ones life when they deserve it the least. His chesed creates chesed in you and it fulfills His purpose from the beginning- to create humans in His likeness. I believe throughout our history God's complaint with us was always the same "You don't know Me. If you truly knew Me it wouldn't be so easy for you to leave Me and abandon My ways."

What happens if you don't listen to Hosea's warnings and Paul's advice?

As always Israel is my teacher. She knew from the beginning she had a different kind of God than the nations around her. But somehow Israel always wanted to be like the other nations. God set for her very clear guidelines on how He should be approached, but the purpose of the guidelines was always the approach- "draw near". Still, since Israel was so focused on the nations around her, she ended up copying them. She focused more on the guidelines than on Him. She slowly ended up worshiping Him in the same way the nations around her worshiped their gods- sacrifices to please them, rituals to satisfy them...This way she failed to draw near, she failed to know Him. If she did, she would've noticed all He actually wanted was a restored relationship in which Israel willingly gave herself just as He gave Himself, when He called Himself her God.

It pains me to see the same things in many churches today. It doesn't matter the denomination, the principle seems to remain the same. Because of the level we've reached in the realms of technology and communication, the gods of this age are money, power, influence, fame and glory to a degree unequaled in our past. I look around myself and I see how "saving souls" turned into a competition between congregation sizes. Numbers is what matters because numbers bring donations, donations bring bigger buildings and bigger buildings bring fame and influence. We don't have sacrifices. We replaced them with programmes...But if you're approaching "the numbers" one by one, you will many times hear the same verses and the same phrases, which if you happen to dig deeper very few can really explain.

The other day, I saw a chain of messages on a Facebook page of which I am a member. The owner added a status requesting the brothers and sisters to listen to the desperate pleas of a sister of ours. She was asking us to help her. Her daughter is dieing of cystic fibrosis and she is the mother of a two year old. Our sister was telling us how she raised all the money she possibly could to cover for the treatment but it was still not enough. One after the other my brothers told her how they will pray for her. Others demanded healing in the Name of Jesus, whilst others were claiming it done. I was sitting there going through the messages and this verses came into my mind "My brothers and sisters, if people say they have faith, but do nothing, their faith is worth nothing. Can faith like that save them?A brother or sister in Christ might need clothes or food. If you say to that person, "God be with you! I hope you stay warm and get plenty to eat," but you do not give what that person needs, your words are worth nothing." (James 2:14-16)

I got angry in my heart. I felt like writing the verse and tell them "I hope you will remember this and the tears of that woman next time you look at your $20,000 car parked on your alley". But that was not the love in me talking. One person wrote "Look, I don't want to sound like a jerk, but make sure you don't just pray, you also ACT." And then another wrote "Can you please give us details on where to send the money?" So, I calmed down. I remembered perhaps I should not look at them through the perspective of their $20,000 car in light on some of the theories we hear in some churches today (if you're sitting there asking yourself what churches is she on about open God Channel)

What's happening to us? Are we losing sight of His chesed again? Do we fail to know Him again because we are too focus on copying what's around us?

I am not here to judge anyone. These thoughts are mainly for me. I pray God will bring them in my heart everytime I go and waste money on something more expensive and I forget all the faces I saw in the Romanian villages I've been through. I am part of His Church, I am part of my brothers and sisters. Perhaps that's why I can't keep my mouth shut. I wish I could only write about smiles, love, butterflies and flowers. I wish I would live in a world that would not give me any other topics, but regrettably I don't...
I really want this to be a road sign for me on a personal level. If I am focused on copying what's around me rather than on being changed within, I am convinced I will end up in the same place. A place where there is "no truth, no chesed (goodness, kindness, compassion) and no knowledge of God" (Hosea 4:1)
A place where I forget that He is chesed- Good and Compassionate even when He has nothing to gain from me. A place where I forget myself to be chesed, because I loose sight of His good, pleasing and perfect will for my life.

To Israel...

"Jerusalem, the nations will see your goodness, and all kings will see your glory. Then you will have a new name, which the Lord himself will give you.You will be like a beautiful crown in the Lord's hand, like a king's crown in your God's hand. You will never again be called the People that God Left, nor your land the Land that God Destroyed. You will be called the People God Loves, and your land will be called the Bride of God, because the Lord loves you. And your land will belong to him as a bride belongs to her husband." Isaiah 62:2-4

"Israel!", my heart is crying
"Israel", I hear inside
Israel, this love consumes me
But I'll never try to hide.

I'm wearing your Star with honour
I have pledged my heart to you
I will walk this road besides you
For I know it to be true.

I have seen the way He loves you
With a love that cannot die
I have heard His loving whisper
"They're the apple of My eye"

I will say it until forever
Every time I'll meet your sons
Israel, I am so sorry
We fed your children to the guns

I am sorry for all the mothers
For all the children and all the fathers
For every Jew that ever died
And paid with their lives for a lie...

I will walk this road besides you
I will stand and fight for you
Israel, you might not know me
But I know His love for you.

So far today, 4,308 Christians pledged on facebook to pray for Israel against rocket attacks- I am one of them. I am convinced in the same way a daddy holds his child close and covers their head with the palm of his hand to protect them, that's how Abba stretches His hand over Israel to protect them. The palm of His hand is their best anti-rocket shield. The time has come for us to acknowledge the verses above. They are and will always remain "The People That God Loves". I am one among the nations that the prophet talks about who sees this. I pray you get to see it, too. But if you choose not to, I won't hold it against you. You see, they don't need us, that's how Great their Defender is.

When fear comes

I'm really scared, Abba
I don't know what to do
My mind and heart are shaking
That's why I call to You.

You asked me why the fear?
Why do I shake within?
Why is my heart so troubled?
Who told me I won't win?

The shortest answer, Abba?
"Forgive me, I forgot!"
Who brought me all the way here
And told me "You fear not!"

Please forgive me, dear Abba
And calm again my soul
I know You brought me here
I know You'll take me home.

Remind me what's important
Don't let me loose the sight
I can't cave under pressure
I cannot loose this fight.

Tell my heart how You hold it
How precious I'm to You.
I might not understand this
But you know what to do.

Your Emma

"I am the Lord you God, who holds your right hand and I tell you, "Don't be afraid. I will help you." Isaiah 41:13